Login   Sign Up 



 

El Dorado

by laurafraser 

Posted: 15 May 2005
Word Count: 777
Summary: El Dorado is a 'fabulous place abundant im gold and precious stones.' Echo was a beautiful wood nymph who fell in love with Narcissus, and who rejected by N. wasted away to a voice, that could only repeat the words of others. Lillies are a symbol for death. Bijou is a jewel, a work of art. Encouraged by Sean, have fattened poem up a bit in middle, slightly more authentic perhaps, like a "portly bellied cloud..." x


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


Version I:

A butterfly called 'Bijou' flutters down onto
The cracking silver ice that lies fragmented,
Each piece floating segregated, like portly bellied clouds
Shadowing the dancing tadpoles underneath
Whose frolicking and rolicking
Ripples the water above,
Tickling the lilies thrown a second ago
By a baby-boy dressed in black
Who walks away from the building in stone, that seems to moan
At the baby-boy, whose fists pine for an enemy with no name.
So he walks, angry and confused
Not understanding what it means to lose,
Tears start to fall as thunder booms,
Must be the gods he assumes,
Starting to run, not hearing the lilies laughing,
Or the other children who run&skip&scream
Throwing words to one another
Missing as they do, the pregnant mare galloping past
Her gilded mane glistening in the sun,
As she travels to her hay
That lies in stacks in the barn
With the old man, whose tattered arms lie as if scattered,
Their liver brown spots that seem to sparkle when he dreams of El Dorado,
The place where Echo says ‘I want more,'
As Mr. Ebenezer runs panting from treasure trove to trove,
Cursing the Genie who wails sadly
But what for?
What for? What for?
J’adore J’adore mon amour,
What for?


Manifestations of Infestations
Evolve like the worm in the soil
so slow we go, so slowly go
And though we know
About the ebb and the flow,
Still mouths go 'Oh No!'
When the curtain falls and the sun sets.

Relax though my friend, (my pal, my mate),
Somewhere, on another stage
The tadpoles are still swimming,
Mr. Ebenezer is still gloating over his loot,
And Echo continues to call to her objet d'amour,
Calling, Calling, to her objet d'amour
Who lies floating, slightly bloating,
On the pond in the wood of your dreams.

Version II:

A butterfly called 'Bijou' flutters down onto
The cracking silver ice that lies fragmented,
Each piece floating segregated, like portly-bellied clouds
Shadowing the dancing tadpoles underneath
Whose frolicking and rollicking
Ripples the water above,
Tickling the lilies thrown a second ago
By a baby-boy dressed in black
Who walks away from the building in stone, that seems to moan
At the baby-boy, whose fists pine for an enemy with no name.
So he walks, angry and confused
Not understanding what it means to lose,
Tears start to fall as thunder booms,
Must be the gods he assumes,
Starting to run, not hearing the lilies laughing,
Or the other children who run&skip&scream
Throwing words to one another
Missing as they do, the pregnant mare galloping past
Her gilded mane glistening in the sun,
As she travels to her hay
That lies in stacks in the barn
With the old man, whose tattered arms lie as if scattered,
Their liver brown spots that seem to sparkle when he dreams of El Dorado,
The place where Echo says ‘I want more,'
As Mr. Ebenezer runs panting from treasure trove to trove,
Cursing the Genie who wails sadly
But what for?
What for? What for?
J’adore J’adore mon amour,
What for?


But the Genie is stopped by the wails of Ebenezer
Who sputtering and muttering snorts
Hot molten black-blood
That erupts from his emerald-encrusted broken nose,
Spurting as if flirting like a cruel outrageous courtesan,
Who slicing the air,
Devastates, this deranged harpee never stops to hesitate
As she spits acidic bile onto the minions below her
Who, like the tumbleweed
Escaped from the roots that she loves.
And below her, Scrooge sprints hatingly away,
Bellowing agonized skeletal words,
Screeching for Mercy! Mercy! From the heavens as
The court jester, the Fool, floats, flapping his fur-covered coxcomb,
As if the laughter of the lilies is too scared to escape
From his pulverized cracked lips, that protrude like the jutting hips
Of the waist of the girl who sits alone in the building of stone,
Her hands on her lap, tears oozing from her eyes like a flowers sap
Once the stem has been broken, and this girl has not yet spoken,
Since the baby-boy dressed in black, fled, somewhere alone.

Manifestations of Infestations
Evolve like the worm in the soil
so slow we go, so slowly go
And though we know
About the ebb and the flow,
Still mouths go 'Oh No!'
When the curtain falls and the sun sets.

Relax though my friend, (my pal, my mate),
Somewhere, on another stage
The tadpoles are still swimming,
Mr. Ebenezer is still gloating over his loot,
And Echo continues to call to her objet d'amour,
Calling, Calling, to her objet d'amour
Who lies floating, slightly bloating,
On the pond in the wood of your dreams.









Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



Chem at 16:18 on 15 May 2005  Report this post
Laura, I really do enjoy your poems so very much. You have a way with words that I admire and envy :-)
All of the imagery in this is exquisite. I loved it.
Em

joanie at 19:20 on 15 May 2005  Report this post
Hi Laura. I did enjoy this; I liked the way it bowled along (a bit of an old-fashioned expression but fitting I think). I love the repetitions and the (often) subtle thymes.

The images are wonderful.

A very enjoyable read.

joanie

seanfarragher at 12:34 on 16 May 2005  Report this post
Like Monet and the full panorama of his water lilies at the MOMA in New York, I am drawn and opened by your poem. Cycles inside cycles, and myths insides myth, and above all on the outside, in its dreams, your dreams, reality fondles your memory, and the words pushed outward by the poem are (la retour) --- a white spark and a kiss. Great work. Push more and make it longer with more details and more of that word play....wonderful word play... Sean

laurafraser at 15:55 on 16 May 2005  Report this post
Chem, Joanie and Sean thank-you al for being so wonderfully kind-sean have followed your advice and made it longer-i think you are one of the few who is always encouraging people to elongate their work as opposed to squishing it up-very good of you!

Thank-you lovely all,

Laura x

seanfarragher at 17:49 on 16 May 2005  Report this post
Laura, you are creating your own myth/fable/tale/memory and that is perfect. The more detail you use in a narrative poem, editing included, the stronger the push toward a greater enclosure, capturee of the force of the myth into your own universe. Sweet zion I am delivered from the loss of light...... just my own flight of words as I key to you glorious lady.

<Added>

After reading version 2 i like the flood of images. I want to know more about the personas included. Take it deeper and then again deeper, and then go back and trim/cut the repeats/echoes. Keep the echo. Cut some of the obvious rhymes. Assonance not end rhyme used within lines. With every expansion, have a semi contraction. Yes, it is sexual, how the body releases words and then prepares to release more. This poem is turning epic. Bravo.

<Added>

I love the ornate quality of the poem, so my criticism of the rhymes may be over stated. Use your own ear and read it aloud to yourself, and keep some, alter some, and delete a few. Listen to yourself Laura. xxxsean

Beanie Baby at 21:15 on 16 May 2005  Report this post
Hi Laura.
I like the second version mosrt. It is almost gothic in its imagery; full of visions and feelings. You are really clever. i wish I could come up with something so perfect.
Beanie

laurafraser at 08:01 on 17 May 2005  Report this post
sean,
agree with you about ovbious rhymes, that thought was actually flashing as a warning in my head yesterday as i added to the poem, but decided to ignore it-so i only too readily agree with you on that and have had a mini snip and will readjust some more later, i feel this is going to be a work-in-progress...

Beanie,

Thank-you!Though there is nothing really "clever" about this poem, it is just some words and mages botched together, as all poems are, and for you to say what you did is so fabulously kind but i fear a little not true, what is that word "perfect" anyway?!

X to you both Laura

Okkervil at 16:37 on 02 June 2005  Report this post
This poem reiterates why I like so much of your stuff. I like the second version more, partly on a very basic level, because it's longer, so I have more time to enjoy it. I love these very erudite flights of almost-nonsense fantasy with silly-notoutofplace rhymes, a terrific rhythm and all sorts of odd characters seen out of the corner the eye in hurried passing. Like The Decemberists, y'sort of transcend pretention for the sake of a glorious rollicking narrative. Look what you did. I hate the word rollicking, and you made me say it. Because it is. Oh, I'll change it. Frolicsome. A glorious frolicsome narrative. Side-note: is there not a moment at which a running baby boy becomes a pregnant mare? I suppose the galloping nature of the piece allows for blurring of imagery and what-not, but I was curious about it. Man, it's like a stop-motion music video or something.

Bye!

James

<Added>

Oooh, I clicked submit by accident while idly tapping the mouse button then. Hope all that makes sense. Like understanding is a barrier I've ever tried to cross. Bye 'gain!

laurafraser at 09:25 on 03 June 2005  Report this post
James thasnks fpr your comments.

find what you said about the baby boy and the mare v.interesting, though I had not intended it at first. They share similarities, both are vulnerable, yet in different ways-the baby boy because of death-he has lost somone and the mare because of life-she is pregnany and inside her kicks the new life of her unborn foal, both are alone as well in a sense, but were very much intended to be seperate identities, though the whole poem is meant to hint at the inter-connectedness of things, the El Dorado in all of us so to speak...

I love the way that you interpret people's poetry, you give a sense in all your comments that you have really thought about their piece and when responsding to your comments one is always encouraged to go a little deeper into their work-thank-you!

XLaura


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .