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 joanie at 19:39 on 07 May 2005
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Paul, thank you for your swift response. Glad you liked it.
joanie
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 Mac AM at 19:55 on 07 May 2005
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What a surprise and a beautiful one too. I was expecting a war poem from the title, but was thrilled to see it was a different kind of remembering. This is really lovely Joanie. I’m intrigued, what inspired you?
Everyone needs to be told from time to time.
Mac
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joanie at 20:06 on 07 May 2005
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Thanks Mac. I don't know what inspired me - age, I suppose!
joanie
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Tina at 07:53 on 08 May 2005
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Hi Joanie
there is frailty in this work - it unfolds like an old and precious piece of paper - and inside there is tenderness and longing.
Lovely work
Thanks
Tina
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.JPG) Zettel at 16:03 on 11 May 2005
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Joanie
Very moving.
With all the hard-won
innnocence of age.
We are wine
not water
Trees
Not flowers
Z
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lieslj at 21:21 on 11 May 2005
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Joanie,
I really like the honest sentiment you are working with here.
I struggle, however, with the proximity of breast and sofa. They just aren't gelling in my head. Can't get my head around the simile.
I am also not enamoured of the title. I thought we were heading into a war poem, with good morals abounding. I think you could find something much more tender and less loaded with other associations.
HOpe that helps.
Best
Liesl
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joanie at 18:26 on 12 May 2005
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Zettel, thank you!
Liesl, I'm thinking about the sofa; I still have in mind a wrinkled, leather, soft, lived-in, cushioned, snuggly feeling. I'm going to keep it for the time being and think about it some more!
I totally agree about the title. I'm thinking about that too!
Thanks!
joanie
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 James Graham at 20:10 on 13 May 2005
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I agree with Liesl about the (original) title, but not really about the sofa. I had a momentary doubt about the sofa simile, but on second thoughts it seemed ok, and still does. Your 'wrinkled, leather, soft, lived-in, cushioned, snuggly' confirms this! The new title is much better - it can often work well to have a title that's echoed in the poem. I like this - it's a very attractive lyrical poem, and the feelings it conveys are complex: for example, the repeated 'Never' is assertive, especially 'Never fail...' which is expressed almost as a demand, though an anxious demand. 'Unless you start to see/ not me, but a very old woman' hints at 'I'm afraid that's what may happen'. I sense a tension between that never-never-never structure and the vulnerability and anxiety that come across in almost every line. That isn't meant as a criticism - that tension is what makes it complex and subtle. Here is a woman expressing something that lies somewhere between 'Please...' and 'Don't you dare...' but is neither of these. Or both?
James.
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joanie at 21:42 on 13 May 2005
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James, thank you for your thoughtful response. I appreciate it. Very perceptive!
joanie
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engldolph at 20:59 on 17 May 2005
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JOanie,
I really enjoyed the overall tone and flow of this.
As others have said, that mid road between an assertive demand and an uncertainty within..
It just about all works well for me.. the skin of my breast/sofa contrast was fine as I read it..
it is the last two lines that falter a little for me..not sure why... maybe "the skin of my breast" was not such a key line for me to want it repeated...I'd rather end on "I need to know" ...which is the title thought...and the right center for this piece..
But overall, I enjoyed the sensitivity and honesty in this..
Mike
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Account Closed at 16:06 on 20 May 2005
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A lovely, tender piece.
Like Mike, I saw the breast/sofa meaning, aided by the "leather-lined" just beforehand.
Nice work.
Steve
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joanie at 18:57 on 20 May 2005
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Thank you, Mike and Steve. Mike, I have tried your suggestion and changed the ending. I'm seeing how it feels!
Thanks for reading.
joanie
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