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Departure
Posted: 10 July 2003
Word Count: 11
Summary: A vague attempt at Haiku. Please let me know what you think.
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Hollow eyes betrayed
by sweeping cones of light.
Amber winks goodbye.
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Comments by other Members
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 olebut at 23:09 on 11 July 2003
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lisa i dont think it is vague i think it is poignanat
take care
david
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KjayneM at 08:29 on 23 July 2003
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Hi Lisa,
I quite liked this, you have done well. I am not sure of your intentions for the reader though. I visualized a car crash caused by a driver running a red light, crashing into the person with the hollow eyes. Their eyes are hollow because they can see what's about to happen but yet there is minimal time for reaction. The sweeping cones are the drivers headlights. Although I do wonder if you mean "amber winks goodbye" as in someone dying in their car from the accident. I think "amber" takes my mind away from this to the thought of a set of lights seeing as the orange light is usually referred to as amber. And I haven't often heard of anyone describing the colour of their eyes as amber. I would love to know what your actual intentions where.
I am not sure if this poem would actually be classed as a Haiku as it has personification. But I think it would fit perfectly in the Senryu category. My only suggestion is to maybe delete "my" as I don't think it is needed and maybe move "betrayed" up to the end of the first line. I would also maybe lose the comma and full stop as most Haiku/Senryu usually don't have any. But it would depend on how formal you wanted to be.
Anyways feel free in binning my comments and suggestions. Looking forward to your next :)
Cheers, Kylee.
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Lisa at 23:35 on 23 July 2003
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Cheers Kylee
I am certainly no expert on Haiku so thanks for your advice.
Please tell me - what is Senryu? I'm assuming it's a similar (or maybe Western?) form of Haiku - please enlighten me!
Let me explain my intentions with the piece:
It is simply about rejection - a person standing, left alone as the car pulls away (cones of light - the shape of headlights on a dark night). The vehicle leaves and the figure looks towards it leaving. The winking amber refers to the indicator lights at the back of the car. The indicators are winking as it turns to finally disappear from view.
The eyes are hollow both with emotion - with sadness, regret (whatever you like) and also theylook like black hollows because headlights only enhance the shadows of the sockets.
I imagined the figure to be a woman left by a loved one, but that's not important. The figure can be any person - the car is being driven by anyone important to that person.
The fact that I have had to explain where I'm coming from with this suggests it hasn't worked!
Thanks for your thoughts. Would greatly appreciate your frank feedback on some of my other work.
Cheers.
Lisa
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Lisa at 23:49 on 23 July 2003
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By the way, took your advice re: losing the "my"
Lisa
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LONGJON at 01:16 on 24 July 2003
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Hi Lisa,
I liked this, it completely encapsulates the idea that you were trying to convey. I think it has worked fine. I wouldn't get too hung up on strict form, if you read some of the modern haiku being written in places like the USA, the older "rules' have no place.
And if you read the works of Basho, Issa or Buson in translation then you will be hard pushed to find any that conform to the 5-7-5 rule we constantly have pushed about haiku. The last one that I posted (Afterthought) has three full stops in one line.
Just keep writing and enjoying it .
Take care,
John P.
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KjayneM at 01:54 on 24 July 2003
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Hi Lisa,
I wouldn't say that your poem failed at all. People will always interpret differently :)
Cheers, Kylee.
P.S. A Senryu is similar to a Haiku but uses personification and is usually either humorous, sarcastic or ironic, but not always. I am definitely no expert though so you may want to look around the net a little for a more detailed definition.
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