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Ruined

by Jubbly 

Posted: 27 April 2005
Word Count: 325


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Polly stared in horror at the carnage before her. She should have listened to her mother, her mother was always right, never wrong, this was her lesson she suspected, always do as mother says. But she hadn’t and now she was going to pay the price. Her soul died a little as she silently watched the terrible red liquid spread over what was once beautiful and perfect. Her beloved Caroline lay face down, her pretty white lace dress now stained scarlet. The others had been luckier but their expressions were blank, not even registering the disaster. The day had begun so well, brimming with possibilities, but Polly had insisted she did it her way or not at all and this devastation was the result of her ignorance.

“It’s not a good idea.” Her mother had advised. “I know from experience, you won’t like the result, trust me.”

She began to pant, clutching at tiny breaths like flyaway bubbles. The sobs started deep in her body, rising to her throat – animalistic whimpers that didn’t suit a young girl. They surged through her and dropped her to her knees. Her own voice grew loud inside her head and the word “No!” shrieked mantra like from her throat. It wasn’t long before her mother was beside her.

She grabbed Polly’s arm with her perfectly manicured hands and swung her round to face her.

“Stop it, stop this noise right now!”

For a moment Polly thought she would beat her, slap some sense into, leave a raw mark across her cheek to remind her of the dreadful error that had led to such tragedy.

But instead she surveyed the damage and shook her head with disappointment.

“I told you Polly didn’t I, I warned you.”

Polly looked down, unable to meet her mother’s gaze.

“Don’t use beetroot on the dollies sandwiches, it’ll make a terrible mess and ruin their clothes, oh well, come on, let’s clean it up.”







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Comments by other Members



Silverelli at 17:00 on 27 April 2005  Report this post
Oh jeez, Julie. Are you bringing out the inner stand-up comedic Jubbly roots?

This could work well read aloud , with the intensity and drama in the reader's voice and then letting the audience off the hook with a breather on the last line.

Again, nice build up, nice delivery.

Polly wants a cracker.
Adam

lieslj at 18:46 on 27 April 2005  Report this post
Hi Julie,

I don't quite know what to make of this one. It seems to be a reflection of a child's genuine inability to communicate with her mother and her substantial terror.

If this is intended as a comedy piece, then perhaps the terribleness needs to be tempered a little for credibility's sake.

As it currently stands, it doesn't quite feel balanced. The mother's unfazed acceptance and the child's anxiety don't add up for me.

Regards
Liesl


Jumbo at 18:08 on 28 April 2005  Report this post
jubbly

Hi

I enjoyed this. Very descriptive - and the description of the rising panic is superb.

Must admit I suspected ketchup (too cliched, I guess) and loved the alternative of beetroot.

I wondered if 'this was her lesson..' should start a new sentence, but I have to admit, that is rather a picky point.

Wonderful writing, very funy

All the best

jumbo

<Added>

sorry ... very funny!

DerekH at 21:17 on 28 April 2005  Report this post
Julie, this is a lovely story. The child's frustration is really nicely done. I love "She began to pant, clutching at tiny breaths like flyaway bubbles"

This is sweetly funny... and very funny at that. It becomes obvious early on that there's no real horror involved... but putting beetroot on Dolls' sandwiches is brilliant! :)

I love the last line not only because it's very funny, but the also because the love is shown so well in just a few words.

Perfectly captured in 325 words!

Derek.

crowspark at 22:19 on 28 April 2005  Report this post
And it makes your pee turn pink!
Very funny.

Enjoyable flash.

Bill

Account Closed at 11:52 on 29 April 2005  Report this post
Julie,
I thought of Bowling for Columbine in the first couple of paras. I agree her horror is a bit too much and you could tone it down without losing interest or impact. Take the opening:

Polly stared in horror (cliché?) at the carnage (vv strong image) before her. She should have listened to her mother, her mother was always right, (never wrong,) this was her lesson (she suspected,) always do as mother says. ***If you break this up into shorter sentences, almost like sobs, it'll have more impact.***But she hadn’t and now she was going to pay the price(cliché and what was the price? Throwing the dress away? Her mother's wrath?). Her soul died a little (OTT?) as she silently watched the terrible red liquid spread over what was once beautiful and perfect. Her beloved Caroline lay face down,

I know from experience,= don't think you need this.

They surged through her and (dropped her to her knees.)= don't know if this works. Her (own) voice grew loud inside her head and the word “No!” (shrieked mantra like)= She shrieked, "No!" Mantra-like suggests repetition and mantras are generally not hysterical but even and constant so not sure if this image works for me.

I think if you tone it down, it'll give a better picture of the mother-daughter relationship.

Hope you don't mind me being so picky - got my editor head on today!

Elspeth

bjlangley at 12:21 on 29 April 2005  Report this post
Hi Julie, I really felt for poor Polly here, probably because she reminded me of my two girls. I thought the over the top reaction was almost perfect, ruining dolly's dress genuinely is the worst thing in the world that can happen.

Also, raising the horror of the initial section, taking it to an absolute limit, gives the comic pay-off more impact, in my opinion.

I suspected that it would be blackcurrant juice, by the way!

All the best,

Ben

Jubbly at 09:22 on 30 April 2005  Report this post
Thanks everyone who commented on this , I'll touch it up and make it more presentable ASAP.

Dee at 11:15 on 30 April 2005  Report this post
Julie, I thought it was paint! I was fairly sure this wasn’t murder but part of me was half expecting a double twist – the possibility that Caroline was her best friend perhaps.

The punctuation needs tidying up. Otherwise it’s a great story.

Dee



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