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David Bloody Armstrong!!!

by Flashy 

Posted: 27 April 2005
Word Count: 1091
Summary: If you're not mental or mad then i wouldn't read this.

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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.

David Bloody Armstrong…
Wears a French beret
He waves at everyone
And no one believes a word he says
So do you want to know about David Bloody Armstrong?


He arrived at work one day did David Bloody Armstrong.
And says ‘Hi, I’m David Bloody Armstrong,’ without the Bloody of course.
‘Hi.’ We all said.
‘Guess what I did yesterday?’ He said.
‘What?’ We said.
‘Sailed down the Nile on a Gnu.’ He said.
‘For fuck sake.’ Said Ted.
‘Surely you mean a canoe?’ Said Fred.
We all looked at Fred, wondered if he realised what he’d just said.
‘No it was definitely a Gnu.’ Dave said.
‘For fuck sake.’ said Fred. I think it just dawned on him what he’d just said.

You see that’s the kind of thing David Bloody Armstrong says and means.
And it does do in my head.

Played Neil Young songs in a trance he did… in the nude on an acoustic guitar at the crack of dawn, because of an allergy to a Hayfever medication…but he says he can’t play guitar usually, and then he said his mum walked in and said. ‘OOOOOOOOOO!!!! How bloody rude and crude!!!’ Not sure if it was being in the nude or the guitar playing at 6am which prompted this remark…probably both I imagine.

He’s wanted dead or alive in 36 states…ahem!

Women all run a mile when they see him. Dave just smiles at them and waves and then says. ‘I’m their very own professional Masseur you know?’

And it’s not that he’s bad or mean.
I just think the wish to impress makes him over keen.

BBC Director.
Moth Inspector.
Martian Detector.
Cricket Selector.
Porridge Rejecter.
Cornflake Collector.
River Kwai, Bridge Erector.

These are jobs Dave has had or wanted to do.
But what the bloody hell can one say?
When he believes all of this to be absolutely true.

David Bloody Armstrong, David Bloody Armstrong…I bet you’re all wondering why I call him David Bloody Armstrong.

Well one day, when he was telling me that he could only apply his much sought after special skills in either the Netherlands or America, you know all this and gibbering about other things as well. But to be honest I had other things on my mind…and listening to David Bloody Armstrong every day had reduced my will to live.

‘You know Flash I won’t leave my country for something as tawdry as big money you know.’ He said.
‘No?’ I said.
‘No, they should let me practice my much sought after special skills here in the UK.’ He said.
‘They should? Oh yes I mean of course they should.’ I said
‘Yes.’ He said.

You know I never did find out what those much sought after special skills were.

Poor old David Bloody Armstrong, portly, bald as a coot, white pallid liquidy skin and no neck, I’m afraid we used to call him Robocop we did. But to give him his due he could tell a tale without batting an eyelid, or a quiver of lip, no droplet of anxious sweat, indeed not a stutter uttered…and for once I thought he might prove useful.

‘David?’ I said.
‘Yes.’ He said.
‘I might need your help.’ I said.
‘OOOOO!!!!’ He said. ‘What with?’ He said.
‘With a little…in fact an ever so little…tiny even...what might be considered by some to be... a…white lie.’ I said.
‘OOO! I don’t do those.’ He said.
‘Yes you do.’ I said.
‘No I don’t.’ He said.
‘Yes you do.’ I said.
‘No I don’t.’ He said.
‘Yes…you bloody well do.’ I said.
‘OOOOH no I don’t.’ He said.
‘HMMMMMMM!! Tell me about the time you went down the Nile in a canoe.’ I said.
‘A Gnu…it was a Gnu.’ He said.
‘Ah yes a …Gnu…go ahead.’ I said.

A master class is what Dave gave; the art of barefaced lying without detection toned and honed to perfection, immune to any kind of female inspection. Not a judder or a shudder each word tone produced with precise inflection, no racy pace with murmured diction, his timing down to the smallest tee. His grace and elegance brought my admiration, my respect for him had elevated.And all i now had to do was apply his techniques.

So when i got home, all i had to do was walk in be very cool and say, ‘I’m sorry dear I got very drunk, and began to sway and so slept the night away at Wayne’s.’

I opened the front door and I did walk in cool, calm and very mean…but there she was standing tense but cool and looking even meaner and so I began to shiver and dither.

‘Oh and where have you been?’ She said.
‘What?’ I said.
‘Where have you been?’ She said.
‘Where have I been?’ I said.
‘Is there an echo?’ She said
‘An echo?’ I said

At this point she looked very cross and I think I may very well have forgotten my name.

‘Ok one last time,’ she said. ‘Where in fucks name have you the fuck been?’
‘OOOOOOO!!!!!’ I said.
‘Well!!!!’ She said.
‘What?' I said.

Exasperated she began to pull clumps of hair from her head and make noises I could only describe as insane…I now definitely had forgotten my name, forgotten what I planned to say and for some horrible strange reason began to think of David Bloody Armstrong.

‘You leave for work at 7am on Monday and return home at 5pm on Tuesday.’ She said.
‘Yes.’ I said.
‘So where the hell have you been?’ She said.
‘To Kathmandu on a Didgeridoo.’ I said.

Her look could not be described with words, adjectives would've only looked absurd. But safe to say she looked very perturbed.

‘I beg your pardon.’ She said
‘To Kathmandu on a Didgeridoo.’ I said.
‘To Kathmandu on a Didgeridoo?’ she said
‘Is there an echo?’ I said.

And then she hit me on the head.

‘Fine!!!’ she said.
‘Fine?’ I said holding my head.

And she hit me again, again and again, and now I’m still in the doghouse, and I don’t think everything is fine. In fact not even in the same ballpark as fine. She’s even threatened to leave…and the funny thing was I was drunk and asleep at Wayne’s, so what the fuck made me say I’d been to fucking Kathmandu riding on a Didgeridoo?

And now all I can think and say is David Bloody Armstrong, David Bloody Armstrong, David Bloody Armstrong over and over and over again

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Comments by other Members

Al T at 08:50 on 27 April 2005  Report this post
Alan, spooky coincidence here, I've just finished a sneezing fit and was thinking I must get some hayfever medication, and then I read this - if I'm allergic is this how I'll become, or would I have to switch gender?! Very amusing indeed. Some people seem to lie as easily as breathing. You know, I'm sure I've met David B-A and perhaps even been out with him, or is it that you've hit on something universal about men???

Actually when I read the title, I was expecting something like the Jam's David Watts, about a Mr Perfect, but this is much funnier!

Keep 'em coming,



PS I psrticularly like the BBC Director list and the Kathmandu thing.

Beadle at 10:32 on 27 April 2005  Report this post
This was funny.

I think you ran with the words and had a laugh. There's some great word play in here - porridge rejector being my favourite. If you had a disciplined edit I think it would be tighter and funnier.


Flashy at 19:22 on 27 April 2005  Report this post
Thanks Adele and Beadle.

Was actually thinking of adding more...not editing.

Thanks for reading.


Okkervil at 19:54 on 27 April 2005  Report this post
This Is Fantastic. I may have missed the point somewhat, but I really, really, really, really, really, really want to be David Bloody Armstrong. Also Bill Murray, and for a little bit Hugh in 'Translations.' This is excellent. Giggle and giggle I did. It's all genuinely funny without even a hint of trying that hard to be so.

‘Ok one last time,’ she said. ‘Where in fucks name have you the fuck been?’
‘OOOOOOO!!!!!’ I said.
‘Well!!!!’ She said.
‘What?' I said.

That, is literature. And I read John Grisham once on a train going somewhere, so I know what I'm talking about. Such a brilliant mix of childish jokes and infantile humour. Yeah, don't listen to those other saps 'bout editing- make it LONGER! Make it last for ever. That would make it exponentially funnier. If they shout at you, then listen to 'em. People who shout are on to something. 'M off now. You made me grin, at least twice if not many more times, so thanks for that.



Flashy at 22:19 on 27 April 2005  Report this post

Well i don't often get comments like that, yes i might very well add a few more lines.

Thank you Jamesy


Okkervil at 22:25 on 27 April 2005  Report this post
Heheh, take it with a pinch of salt- nothing I say is all that reliable really, particularly on the writing-critique front. Which is where my membership here sort-of falls down. Ahem. Bye 'gain!

Flashy at 22:30 on 27 April 2005  Report this post

Does that mean you didn't really like it?

Oh god i'm confuddled now.

Ah well win some lose some.


Okkervil at 22:38 on 27 April 2005  Report this post
Oh no- I really liked it, just if you want, *cough*, advice- like how to improve it and stuff- it's prob'ly better to look to other far more helpful people. I just do 'excitable,' I'm afraid, which is fine, but I'm probably going to stunt something, emotionally, in the long run.

Bye 'gain!



Sometimes I can't tell if I sound sarcastic or not. Generally I don't mean to be, though I am predisposed towards it, which is odd, because I never recognise it when it's directed at me.

Flashy at 22:43 on 27 April 2005  Report this post
Oh i see...well i kinda liked your advice the best.

Cheers Alan

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