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Lost opportunities
Posted: 26 April 2005
Word Count: 80
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I danced a gavotte
with your praises,
prancing until my feet
shimmered in the glitter ball over the dance floor.
I sang an aria
while your sweet words
melted over me -
hot chocolate fudge on vanilla ice cream.
I wept an ocean
but tides ebbed and flowed
as you walked by, oblivious,
picking driftwood to adorn your life.
I died a quiet death
because you hated pomp
and circumstance. I watch you now,
a lonely figure, lost and unaware.
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Comments by other Members
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 Tina at 07:55 on 26 April 2005
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Hi
Loss always presents such an ocean of possibility - this is a poignant piece Joanie - I think the ending stanzas are stronger than the beginnings for me but each has its own special impact.
Thanks I enjoyed it
Tina
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Ticonderoga at 16:05 on 26 April 2005
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Agree with Tine; some really excellent images here, too. Immediate and moving.
Best,
Mike
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Okkervil at 19:16 on 26 April 2005
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I agree with Tina that the last stanzas are stronger than the first, but only because you expect something completely different to what is given. I was opening the draw of catalogued and sorted 'this is lovely' remarks, but I had to knock it shut with my toe (it's quite low down) as I approached the third stanza. I don't really have such a draw. It's so sad that she can observe these things, and can define them, but her obsession is still not tempered. I feel a bit like I did for John Cusack at the end of Being John Malkovich.
I liked the penultimate stanza best, that meander through a couple of degrees of metaphor like a smooth chord change.
Bye!
James
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roovacrag at 21:23 on 26 April 2005
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Joan, I liked this a lot.
Gave a vivid picture of a romantic scene that never was.
A poem as it should be written from the heart and the mind.
Set a scene and the actors play and perform,just like the words on paper.
A poet sets the words out,tis others to perform the task to define.
Well done.
xx Alice
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 joanie at 21:31 on 26 April 2005
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James and Alice, thank you both for reading and commenting. Very much appreciated, as always.
joanie/Joan
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Mac AM at 07:34 on 27 April 2005
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Hello Joanie,
This is rich with new experience. I particulalry liked the opening line.
Will you consider taking any out of the line:
because you hated any pomp
and circumstance. |
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I think the image is stronger without it, more difinitive: because you hated pomp and circumstance.
Mac
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engldolph at 21:37 on 01 May 2005
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HI Joanie,
This captures the feeling of one-sided love and possibility...unseen or unfelt by another..perhps to their loss.. the exuuberance of the opening stanzas contrasted against the shifting tide...
only thing I wasn't sure about was the last stanza and what you are equating to "pomp and circumstance".. does that mean the other drifting away because they don't want commitment? not sure... pomp and cicumstance to me = the proms march! help???
Enjoyed
Mike
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joanie at 22:10 on 01 May 2005
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Thanks Mike. I was thinking of over-the-top funerals. I meant (I think!) that the writer drifted out of the scene because the other didn't want commitment, as you say, but without any dramatic, sensational scenes, so that nobody even noticed.
Thanks for reading!
joanie
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hailfabio at 12:33 on 02 May 2005
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Nice work that is very realistic and true. Now I know what you mean by 'pomp and circumstance' I like it more.
Stephen
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