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by Flashy 

Posted: 21 April 2005
Word Count: 318
Summary: When something you've been told finally hits home.

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Tonight I am restless.
My nerves are raw.
During the bus journey home from work I become bristly.
My fists are clenching. I am on edge.
My skin is tingling. The hairs rise on the back of my neck.

If I were to reach out and touch someone, the static charge would fragment the fool standing close enough into dust.

All because I can’t cope with all this… emotional stuff.
There is only one thing in my head.
You… nothing else, just you.

Questions I need to ask are lining up desperately on the tip of my tongue.
They are jumping the queue, trying to tumble out in a mumbled slew.
They are baiting me like school children, hoping I will slip into this mire.

I think I already know the answers.
You do know the answers.

But I have to ask these questions.
And hope you will answer them.
This is I know so very unfair to put all on you.
But these are answers I need to see or hear.
Because, maybe I am confused and need to be sure.
I have to be clear on what is and what isn’t.
So I have to hear these answers… see these answers…these answers that I dread.

But first there is the waiting…

Later when it is over.
Everything that needed to be has been said.
And yes, as I thought those were the answers.
Now… I am empty even though all along I always knew.
Still though you are the only thing in my head.

Soft humming of computer fans is the only audible noise in this room.
Late night silence and all alone… but it is tense and it is electric.
These are long lonely hours for this kind of turmoil to be tormenting your mind.
I look for something metal, I want to touch it, take the static charge and disintegrate forgotten into dust.

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Comments by other Members

paul53 [for I am he] at 14:06 on 21 April 2005  Report this post
First of all, I do like this piece.

Having said that, I don't see this as the final draft. The raw energy is in there, but leave it a few weeks and then come back and give it a polish.

I read somewhere about not putting too many dots in a poem as it breaks up the tension - something I took to heart as quite a few in my portfolio had them. They can often be made redundant by starting a new line, and I think your poem would benefit with less of them, as the line break would give the pause:

All because I can’t cope with all this… emotional stuff.
There is only one thing in my head.
You… nothing else, just you.

All because I can’t cope with all this
emotional stuff.
There is only one thing in my head.
nothing else, just you.

A few less full stops as well [let the layout define them]. Your poetry is good. You should join a group.


Flashy at 20:25 on 21 April 2005  Report this post
Thank you Paul.

I think might agree with you on most of your points there.


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