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Towards Sunrise
Posted: 07 July 2003
Word Count: 91
Summary: I've reworked this - please let me know what you think.
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There has never been a sunset like this.
No scorched scarlet sky as damask
with cloud,
nor ochre-burned vista so patch-worked
with fields.
Roughly-cut corduroy and velvet and baize
blanket-stitched
together in a counterpane of sanctity.
There is the tree
pinning land to sky,
black
and piercing
the burning drapes, which slowly
warp and hang
in tangled charcoal tatters
around a blistering
orb.
Flame threatens -
a dangerous voyeur under
my comfort blanket -
slowly,
perceptibly
deforming thought
into a hazy,
lingering
blackness.
There will never be a dawn
like tomorrow.
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Comments by other Members
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 didau at 11:54 on 08 July 2003
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some great images and phrases, 'roughly cut corduroy' stands out as does 'tangled charcoal tatters'.
I like the fact you bring yourself into the spectacle with 'my comfort blanket', maybe you could intrude a little more - the 2nd stanza could focus more on reflection and your experience of the scene.
There were perhaps too many 'big' words (sanctity, ingest, melancholy) which seemed at odds with the wonderful richness you got from much simpler words. This has the effect of giving the poem a sense of erudition which considering the natural subject matter it might do better without - makes it seem a little forced.
One other niggle: the poem ends with 'blackness'; shouldn't it be called 'Towards SunSET' in that case? Or am I missing something?
Well, you asked for feedback - hope you find this constructive.
david
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Lisa at 15:59 on 08 July 2003
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The blackness after a sunset is towards sunrise (beacuse it's night time then!) - that's where the title comes from.
Interestingly, the original draft had an extra line after "blackness" which I have since edited out. It was:
"There will never be a dawn like tomorrow's."
Which enhanced the feeling of turning the corner, from the sunset, through darness to a new dawn. Maybe I should have left it in?
Thanks for the technical note about language. I'll take a look at it.
Lisa
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LONGJON at 04:32 on 09 July 2003
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A lovely, rather introspective, somnolence about this poem. May I suggest that "one" at the end of the first line is not necessary, and the even tenor which is such a strong point, is rather disturbed by the sudden intrusion of " ingest the collaged sanctuary."
How do you feel about the definite article in front of "Inferno"?
It is not easy writing something new about a subject covered so much before, is it. I think you have done it well.
Good luck
John P.
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olebut at 07:44 on 09 July 2003
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Lisa
again a beautiful image I agree with Longjon please remove the word 'one' from the first line and in line 6 i feel the second and disturbs the metre and perhaps should be replaced with the word 'a '
I also like the missing line I think I would put it back
otherwise a super poem
take care
david
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Lisa at 15:47 on 09 July 2003
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Hi David, David and Jon!
Thanks for your comments. I have reworked the piece and would love your opinions on this version.
Thanks.
Lisa
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didau at 13:33 on 10 July 2003
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I can't remember the origonla version well enough to see what's been changed apart from the addition of the final line. I'm still not keen on 'counterpane of sanctity' it feels too wordy, too affected. Also not sure about flame being personified as a 'dangerous voyeur', makes the onset of daylight seem somehow disturbing/unpleasant, but maybe it's supposed to.
The final 2 lines definitely make it easier to link with the title and lend a sense of expectation and movement, as if you're waiting for something (terrible?) to happen.
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fevvers at 15:28 on 10 July 2003
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Hi Lisa
I think there's much more to this poem than it's giving us at the moment. There's some lovely writing in it "There is the tree/
pinning land to sky" to start with. I think at the minutes you are leaning towards melodrama culminating in the last lines which is why I think there is more to this poem.
I would suggest flow wrtiing around it. Find the most interesting thing about the poem to you and just write as much prose on it as you can (the thing not the poem) - it might be a line, and idea you've not quite worked through or anyhting. Flow write for about 20 minutes so that you've got enough subconcious writing coming from the exercise (most flow writing is very concious at the start) and then see what comes from this, what might be intresting to your poem, is another poem hiding in this - this kind of stuff. You might find that the poem is very different or you might find it changes only slightly - but I think it would be intersting to see what you get from it.
At the moment I don't think the attention your poem needs is at the editing stage, and I think the problem people are having with the diction is that the poem itself hasn't yet found its voice, you might find this gets explored as you flow write - of course it also might not, but if not you can always give it more attention later.
Cheers
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Lisa at 16:29 on 10 July 2003
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Thanks Jacqueline - will tinker and re-upload it a in a couple of weeks.
Lisa
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