|
|
 |
Trust Forlorn
Posted: 10 April 2005
Word Count: 69
|
Font Size
|
|
Two sides
Complexity
Emotions torn
Between conformity
And the passion of my soul
A history
Damaged
Trust forlorn
Despondent thoughts
A defensive wall
I hide
Contemptuous
Respect dying
Aversion strong
Doubting all but one
A face
Lustrous
Adapting spirit
Becoming like
The men who destroyed
Why care?
Bewildered
All comparable
Deserving wrong
As they did so often
I love
Apprehensive
Awaiting hurt
Creating distance
So hard to find peace
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 joanie at 10:27 on 11 April 2005
 Report this post
|
Hi Lisa. I enjoyed this and I liked the form - the lengthening lines in each stanza and the progression.
I love the opening stanza and the closing lines.
I wonder if there are too many commas; I think a comma at the end of every line detracts from the words. I would prefer commas and full stops where they appear naturally, so that it would be, for example, A face
Lustrous,
Adapting spirit,
Becoming like
The men who destroyed. |
|
I feel the same about capitals too, but I know that's my personal preference.
Strong sentiments, well expressed.
joanie
| |
 Ambitions of Lisa at 21:27 on 11 April 2005
Report this post
|
Thanks Joanie
I can see that your comments regarding punctuation would improve the poem a lot and make it flow a lot better for the reader. Great feedback. I'll have a look at tweaking it..
:)
Lisa
| |
paul53 [for I am he] at 11:57 on 12 April 2005
Report this post
|
Liza,
Another fine piece, strengthened by the occasional rhyme [torn/forlorn]. Agree with Joanie's comments. Commas are a pause, so are line endings
"unless they obviously
run over like this" [enjambed lines]. Good poems please the eye as well as the ear, hence liking the growing line length.
Paul
| |
Ticonderoga at 15:46 on 12 April 2005
Report this post
|
Terrific structure. I am very anti-punctuation if the work can be done by rhythm and line-length/structure. Less is always more for me. Fine piece.
Mike
| |
hailfabio at 11:07 on 14 April 2005
Report this post
|
I love this lisa.
I can relate to it a lot. It says so much with little words. I love the last paragraph, somes up feelings so well.
This is your best piece of work yet. Possibly too many commers...
Miller
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
