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Trust Forlorn

by Ambitions of Lisa 

Posted: 10 April 2005
Word Count: 69

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Two sides
Emotions torn
Between conformity
And the passion of my soul

A history
Trust forlorn
Despondent thoughts
A defensive wall

I hide
Respect dying
Aversion strong
Doubting all but one

A face
Adapting spirit
Becoming like
The men who destroyed

Why care?
All comparable
Deserving wrong
As they did so often

I love
Awaiting hurt
Creating distance
So hard to find peace

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Comments by other Members

joanie at 10:27 on 11 April 2005  Report this post
Hi Lisa. I enjoyed this and I liked the form - the lengthening lines in each stanza and the progression.

I love the opening stanza and the closing lines.

I wonder if there are too many commas; I think a comma at the end of every line detracts from the words. I would prefer commas and full stops where they appear naturally, so that it would be, for example,
A face
Adapting spirit,
Becoming like
The men who destroyed.

I feel the same about capitals too, but I know that's my personal preference.

Strong sentiments, well expressed.


Ambitions of Lisa at 21:27 on 11 April 2005  Report this post
Thanks Joanie
I can see that your comments regarding punctuation would improve the poem a lot and make it flow a lot better for the reader. Great feedback. I'll have a look at tweaking it..

paul53 [for I am he] at 11:57 on 12 April 2005  Report this post
Another fine piece, strengthened by the occasional rhyme [torn/forlorn]. Agree with Joanie's comments. Commas are a pause, so are line endings
"unless they obviously
run over like this"
[enjambed lines]. Good poems please the eye as well as the ear, hence liking the growing line length.

Ticonderoga at 15:46 on 12 April 2005  Report this post
Terrific structure. I am very anti-punctuation if the work can be done by rhythm and line-length/structure. Less is always more for me. Fine piece.


hailfabio at 11:07 on 14 April 2005  Report this post
I love this lisa.

I can relate to it a lot. It says so much with little words. I love the last paragraph, somes up feelings so well.

This is your best piece of work yet. Possibly too many commers...


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