25th August 2004

The phone had just started ringing. I put down the wooden spoon that I tasted our tea with and ran to the phone, tripping over Phil’s trainers that he had left in the middle of the living room floor. I answered the phone, breathless. It was Phil. He was on his way home from work. I laid the table, making it look special – nothing was too much for him.
One red rose in the middle of the table, freshly cut from the bush outside, candles glowing, the only light coming from those. Two knives, two forks, two desert spoons. Two wine glasses to the left. Everything was perfect. The radio was on playing a song softly in the background. I checked the tea, then the clock, happy that Phil would be back any moment. I sat down, hardly containing my excitement.

Five minutes went, and Phil was still not home. Half an hour passed and the tea was getting more burnt by the minute. I can remember thinking how much I was going to kill Phil when he got home. I was wondering about where the hell he was, when the phone started ringing making me jump out of my skin. I ran to it hoping it was Phil. A well spoken lady spoke first, asking me if I was Mrs Davies. She said that Phil had been involved in an accident.

I would have given anything, from that moment on, to have Phil here with me.

31st August 2004

I had started to shiver as the tears continued, non stop to run down my cheek. The vicar had been talking the same old rubbish, droning on in the same old manner. There next to him, was the man I love, Phil Davies, locked up in a wooden coffin. I had had to hold back the urge to lift up the lid to see my baby one more time, to tell him I love him.
I didn’t want to hear the realisation of the vicar’s words. That I will never see Phil. Again.

The house seems cold and lonely now; the last few guests have just left for home. The bed seems too big and empty as I flick through my diary. Tears of happiness mixed with tears of sadness fall down my face as I remember the good times that we shared together but realise that there will be no more.

* * *

6th March 1998

I can’t get to sleep. The best thing has happened to me. I'm so glad I have never given my heart away before.

Even though my eyes had focused on his face, the rest of the world seemed to be spinning around just as fast as I had been two minutes ago. He had just put me back on the ground after picking me up, spinning me around and around, my legs straight out behind me.
His eyes, big and brown had caught my eye, keeping me locked in a daze of pure fantasy.

Sian had wanted to go to the pitches to watch the footballers train, and I had never been so cold in my life – until that moment.
There was this man there, who later introduced himself as Phil, who had caught my eye. I had been watching him, but the second that I had taken my eye off him, there was this mad uproar and I felt my feet lift off the ground.

A warm feeling, so strong, so over powering, blew me away and a feeling filled my insides, a feeling that I had never experienced before.
I can’t get to sleep now, there are so many thoughts swirling round in my head. Phil’s face, the smell of sweat mixed with washing powder had tickled my nose earlier that morning, his lips so small and smooth had made my heart miss a beat. I really want to phone him but I don’t want to sound desperate.

7th March 1998

Last night I finally dropped to sleep in a feverish sweat, dreaming dreams that I would have never even thought about before.

31st August 2004

At the funeral today, I started thinking about the good times, so much so, it was like I had been possessed, taken over. I felt a nudge and my head snapped up as I looked around realising that the people beside me were beginning to stand. Phil’s mom was crying, wiping her face occasionally, Phil’s dad, with his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.
I couldn’t help thinking that I wished it were me and Phil there, instead of his mom and dad, I mean Phil shouldn’t have died so soon, he was only young.

Different dates and times keep flooding through my head, special moments that hadn’t seemed important. Until now.

I want him back here with me, and reading these past memories and special times make me realise and treasure the time we had together. I loved him so so much and I know he loved me.

* * *

14th July 1999

It’s just me and Phil here, in Killarney, Ireland. We thought it was about time we spent a romantic weekend away with each other. We arrived yesterday. The scenery is breath taking, just hills of green and water with horses over the other side. It feels as though it’s just us two on the island, especially when we watch the sun set. There are stone walls that we have to climb over to go anywhere, and every time Phil is there to help me over, to hold my hand. We just walk and hold hands but it doesn’t matter because it seems as though it is just us against the rest of the world. We look at each other and only we know its code for ‘I Love You’.
Yesterday we sat in a field of wild horses and Phil made me a daisy chain. We sat and had a picnic, a tartan rug spread on the floor with a wicker basket on top, full of delicious food.
Then we hired a little boat and rode up a brook. The sound of water dominated our ears, splashing all around us. Birds were chirping, their voices combining in perfect harmony. We got to the bottom of a waterfall and decided to investigate. We climbed the slippery, wet rocks, adrenaline surging through our veins. Phil had got my hand so tight, and I trusted him to hold me steady, trusted him with my life. Behind the waterfall, the noise was incredible, the water pounding down, right in front of us.

It was surprising how warm it was behind the water fall, just Phil and me, me and Phil…

31st August 2004

I felt so stupid today. At the funeral someone was pulling me close to them, but I felt so numb inside, so cold, so scared. I had never felt such a great amount of loss and pain before; I had never felt so alone. The vicar was reading out the tribute that I had helped write days before.

Why must it be Phil? Why did the man I love have to depart from me?

I had no one now and it was all his fault. I sat there feeling so angry with him for leaving me, he was the one, there would be no one else.
I started sobbing so loudly that everyone turned around and started staring at me. I felt like shouting at them, swearing at them. I don’t know what to do or where to go without Phil. I think I'm going crazy, all I can do is remember his face, his voice and the good times we had together.

One thing that all this had made me realise, is that you should never take anyone for granted and I can’t help thinking that I was going to kill Phil because he’d missed his tea. Maybe it’s my fault he’s dead. He could miss all the teas in the world though now, so long as he comes back here, back where he belongs.

* * *

30th September 1999

We have been to the park today, to feed the ducks. A special thing passes between us every time we look at each other – we can face anything, anyone at anytime now we have each other.
We just walked and laughed, laughed and walked, sometimes Phil’s arm was around my back, sometimes my arm around his.
I have never felt so warm and safe before. I know nothing will ever harm me with Phil. His lips are so soft and smooth; they send electric shocks through my body whenever he brushes them on mine. His mouth is so warm and sweet and his arms are so big and strong. His eyes are like big brown pools that swallow me up every time I look into them, and I can never break the gaze because I want it to go on forever. I said something really stupid today and Phil laughed. His nose spread across his face and he got these little lines by his eyes. Dimples appeared by his cheeks. I love his dimples; they make him look so innocent as if he hasn’t got a care in the world.

I love him so much.

31st August 2004

Reading back and looking at past entries in my diary, I realise I loved Phil so so much. Loved him more than life itself. But not his life.
I'm scared. So scared. I am all alone now, there is just me against the rest of the world. No one else, just sad, old, lonely me. Phil wouldn’t want me to be sad, but what does he expect?
He was the man I have dedicated my life to, the one I can, could believe in, trust in, and share my deepest and darkest secrets. I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love him and I doubt I ever will.

At the funeral the vicar started reading a prayer, talking to God, God but where is he now? I have turned to him and been good and now he has repaid me by taking away the best part of my life.

* * *

12th April 2000

This is the best day of my life. PHIL HAS PROPOSED!!!!!
God this is the best day in the world. We were sitting on a bench looking out to sea, eating some chips. Seagulls were flying around us, and they were squawking louder than anything I had ever heard. All we had done was throw some chips to a lone seagull when dozens of them me and Phil. You couldn’t hear anything, except the seagulls and the waves splashing on the shore and the occasional squeal of someone somewhere and the odd moan of the wind.
It was so romantic! In the distance the sun was setting, pouring out brilliant colours of orange, red and purple. Clouds slightly covered the sky, making it look even more beautiful than it already was. The bright sun, still yellow reflected on the sea, making strips of golden lines appear on the water. We saw our own shadows silhouetting on the sand, as well as feeling it beneath our toes. I could taste salt in my mouth and I felt so happy I could explode!
I wanted to see if Phil was sharing my excitement so I turned my head. He was gulping in the air, as if he couldn’t breathe, then I thought he had fallen down, but he got on one knee and ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!

The feelings that surged through my body were indescribable. I felt like, and still do feel like, I am on fire, and then I go freezing cold. The smile on my face! I started jumping up and down – and of course have said yes.

I will be the happiest person alive.

31st August 2004

I thought from that moment on I WOULD be the happiest person alive.
I was, until now.

I wish so many things could change. At the funeral today, when the guests stood up, getting ready to sing another song, my body was filled with yet another emotion. Hatred. It was quite shocking because around me were people who I love, who love me, but I didn’t want them to be there. I wanted to be alone with my baby.
I wish so badly that I could hear him say ‘I Love You’ or to stroke my face. I wish I could reply to him and say ‘I Love You too’ and massage the curves in his back.

We were there, in the same church as I was in today, 4 years ago on the 7th July, saying ‘I do’ to each other. What a brilliant day that was.

If only we could go back there again, getting married, I would NEVER let anything harm us.

* * *

8th July 2000

I am now Mrs Charlotte Davies. Yesterday I got married to the man of my dreams.

Our wedding was perfect. It was held in a little stone church, with a red roof and trees and flowers surrounding it. There was a small brook flowing to the left of the church. All you could hear were bells ringing and birds chirping in the sky. Laughter and happiness filled the air, louder than anything else.
Phil was wearing a grey suit with a white shirt. He was wearing a little white rose through his button hole. I was wearing a white dress that flared slightly at the bottom. The top was sleeveless and I had a little silver crown on. I carried orchids. When I first saw Phil I started laughing, he was pacing up and down, clutching his hands.
Yesterday was so special; nothing or no one could have spoilt it.
At the end, after we had our photos, a horse and carriage took us to our reception. It was brilliant. Everyone was dancing and Phil gave me a silver locket with his photo inside, saying that he would always be there watching over me wherever I went, and he loved me so much.

We are leaving for our honeymoon tonight. I am so excited…
22nd July 2000

We got back from our honeymoon today. It was wonderful.
The scenery was gorgeous there, we walked hand in hand on the beach everyday. We played in the sea and Phil brought a dingy. He took me out really far and tipped me out! We played hide and seek in the rock pool and made houses out of the sand.

This month has been the best in the world.

31st August 2004

Who would have thought it though, that in just over four years, I would end up in the same church, crying instead of laughing, wearing black instead of white and feeling as though my life has ended before I have actually died.

Today four of Phil’s friends, my dad and his dad carried his coffin down to a patch of grass.

He will be the grass, the air and the rain. He will always be there, but not properly. He is going now, for good this time. Here one day, gone the next.

I will never be able to feel him cup my face in his hand, never be able to do his hair for him.

Around our house, there are his dirty shirts and jumpers lying about on the floor. His dirty underwear lies in the washing basket, a cup of cold tea on his bedside cabinet. There is a half damp towel thrown on the floor from the morning he left me. He hasn’t put the lid back on his hair gel properly and he has left his shoes by the door.

I keep expecting him to walk through the door while I’m washing up. I keep expecting him to creep up behind me and kiss me. I keep expecting him to send me little post it notes saying silly little things like ‘I Love You’ or ‘What’s for tea?’

I am still making two teas instead of one, putting out two cups and setting out his clothes.

I really miss him and it’s only been a week.

When all the people had left his grave, I stood there standing by this fresh earth. Here I am an old chapter of my life finishing, a new one just beginning. I will have to start all over again, alone now, setting out one fork, one knife and one desert spoon. One wine glass to the left. There is no need to make everything perfect or put one red rose in the centre of the table. I am all alone now but Phil will never leave my heart. I will never love anyone like I have loved him.
As I left the coffin I turned back and whispered

‘Phil I will be Forever Yours’