Wasted!
Posted: 03 April 2005 Word Count: 170 Summary: Not sure where this came from, observations and an imagination I think. I'm unsure regarding the structure and the whole approach I took... so all comments welcome.
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Twenty Bensons and some Stella Artois, Lilac dressing gown, un-brushed hair, Dragging on a cigarette for a nicotine fix, Amused by television’s daytime drivel, Her day aimless, wasted by 3pm, Time for another tin before her boy comes in, Where has he been, she cares not, “Did you have a good day at school?” “Yes Mum, what’s for tea?” She hauls herself from the armchair, Feeds her boy a meal, processed, And convenient, from the freezer, Avoiding empty cans, overflowing ashtrays, Back to the chair she staggers, To watch the Weakest Link, Telephone rings, and rings again, It’ll be the catalogue people, she knows it will, She hadn’t paid her bill, no money, The benefit she got on Monday, gone Bought herself a treat, a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka, She loved to drink it neat, Slipping unconscious, tips her glass, Adding to the already stained carpet, She wakes another day, for more of the same, Man in the corner shop serves her “the usual”, Twenty Bensons and some Stella Artois
Comments by other Members
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Ticonderoga at 13:53 on 04 April 2005
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Vivid, sad, believable, unsentimental and non-judgemental. Keep scribbling!
Best,
Mike
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paul53 [for I am he] at 10:00 on 05 April 2005
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Lisa,
All Mike's comments. Another fine, well-crafted piece from you.
I do have a tad of a problem with naming the brands, especially when cigarette manufacturers were caught outside German schools offering free fags to children. While folk like those in your poem do strive to retain a certain standard by having preferential smokes and drinks, they also usually end up pinching dog-ends from strangers' ashtrays and gulping down aftershave. Certain US novelists - and some of them really should know better - get big bucks for product placement. "The hero paused to get a bottle of delicious, thirst-quenching Poke." "He shot her, preferring the reliability of the Whiff & Messed-on automatic." Damn, shouldn't have put that last one in; I regularly shoot one of their revolvers - and it IS reliable.
Paul
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SmithBrowne at 10:10 on 05 April 2005
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Lisa Briggs,
First, loved the website, Little Miss Himalaya -- great getting to know the poet behind the pome that Mike has above very aptly called "vivid, sad, believable, unsentimental and non-judgemental". I can only heartily agree and say ditto, ditto, etc, etc.
Not a criticism, so much as a wonder, a question... why not break into stanzas or couplets or triplets or something? There is a rhythm there that I think can be strengthened by some visual breathing room maybe? Just a thought.
I liked the closure of the echo of the first and last lines (Twenty Bensons and some Stella Artois), which serve to frame this woman's full yet un-fulfilled day of minor events. You captured that aimlessness feel really well -- the only possible misstep being, maybe, the archaic structure of the phrase "she cares not" in line 7? It would scan just as rhythmically and remain more true to the rest of the poem's voice if it were "she doesn't care" or something similar -- actually, making it more contemporary speech at that point has quite a punch that suits the rest of the poem. Just a suggestion.
Thank you,
Smith
<Added>
oh, yes -- the lines "feeds her boy a meal, processed / and convenient" is truly inspired!
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joanie at 20:15 on 05 April 2005
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Lisa, a brilliant picture, very sad but matter-of-fact. The awful thing is, there must be so many similar situations out there. Well observed; I enjoyed it very much.
joanie
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Ambitions of Lisa at 21:39 on 06 April 2005
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Many thanks for all of your comments...
I really wasn't sure about the way I'd written this and also was uncertain regarding the naming of brands. Originally I had this poem in triplets and it seemed to work OK. Maybe better than the above.
Lisa
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engldolph at 08:08 on 07 April 2005
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Hi Lisa,
A bit dark and unrelentingly depressing for me ... but some very sharp and strong writing which draws a clear picture of the subject...
The idea/line that I stayed with me was the closing: the way you use speech to state: “the usual” ..because this is really what the poem is all about.. in fact I might think about making this the title...Wasted! (particularly with the !) didn't quite work for me...
write on! (with an exclamation mark)
Mike
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lieslj at 20:13 on 09 April 2005
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Hi Lisa,
The rhyme and repetition of Twenty Bensons and some Stella Artois works really well for me.
Twenty fags and a Belgian beer, doesn't have the same ring to it at all.
My dissenting opinion is that the tone of this work is, in fact, quite judgemental and mocking. I think you risk alienating readers who are depressed or alcoholic.
As I perceive it, there is a justifiable sense of outrage which one can sense on behalf of the child of such an unreliable and damaged mother, yet, as you've currently framed this, your narrator doesn't seem to be the child. Your observer appears to be a disengaged and external voice.
Perhaps if you were to represent this woman from a child's perspective, one might be able to connect with the work from a point of compassion.
Regards
Liesl
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Ambitions of Lisa at 17:28 on 10 April 2005
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Hi Mike, Liesl and Hamburger Yogi
Thank you for your comments.
As Mike stated, I wrote the poem hoping it would be sharp. Observtionally detailed from an external point of view and very much to the point, but, in no way was it meant to be judgemental or mocking.
Liesl had a great suggestion to write the poem from the child's perspective which would be interesting in the creation of more compassionate piece with the same topic.
Thanks
Lisa
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hailfabio at 11:00 on 14 April 2005
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Lis,
Great poem. Sounds like me, without the bensons!
Very interesting, paints a picture. It's an aquired skill to write as 3rd person observing.
Stefan :)
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