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The Siren
Posted: 30 March 2005
Word Count: 76
Summary: Before you all move on to the next exercise....wait for me!! I've finally managed to produce something for the 'Metre Exercise'. I think it will be pretty obvious to everyone where the rythm comes from and maybe some of the sentiment is the same? In fact some of the words are the same too....but don't worry there is a new angle..
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Nobody heard her, the mermaid,
While there she sat laughing:
My song is the sound of the grave
Can’t you hear the waves rising?
So sweet, she keeps up her singing
Though all are dead
The continent has shifted east the deep gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was my voice calling
(Still the siren kept laughing)
You did not know me, the power of my song
And the sound of waves rising.
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Comments by other Members
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 paul53 [for I am he] at 10:27 on 30 March 2005
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You know, the poetry seminar has some good exercises. I must be in the wrong group.
What I like about this, and have noted with others doing the same exercise, is that a fine stand-alone poem emerges. Despite it being a take on another [SS-NWBD], it is a good piece of work in its own right.
While many these days shun any restrictions to their art, good poetry is still often like giving birth - from the confinement comes a worthy creation.
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laurafraser at 10:45 on 30 March 2005
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I don't know the poetry excercise, but I do know that I love this poem, it reads like a airy tale. i got a very clear image of the mermaid sitting there-ariel from the little mermaid if you will...
but I fel that this poem could be made stronger by you going deeper into it. Perhaps that was not the point of the excercise but I think there is scope for a deeper piece here-and I would love to read it if you choose to play with this further!
Laura
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 Nell at 12:00 on 30 March 2005
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Jabulani - Yes! Dear SS - the metre is so distinctive that the first line gave it away immediately. I love NWbD, this too - the rhythm is incredibly compelling and I've never quite been able to work out why. I like the image of the mermaid laughing while the seabed shifts - topical too - that last line gave me goosebumps. Are there any more poems written to this metre/rhyme scheme? If so I've never come across one. SS was a truly original voice - the mark of a great poet I think. Well done you.
Nell.
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Nell at 12:05 on 30 March 2005
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Paul,
Paul - I know you wouldn't desert your poetry group, and I think the Seminar is full, but feel free to do the exercises if you like - you can post a link to your poems on the appropriate thread in the group forum. Or alternatively borrow the same exercises for Poetry 11 - I'm sure none of us would mind (they were mostly filched from somewhere in the first place).
Nell.
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Jabulani at 12:45 on 30 March 2005
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Thank you Paul, Laura and Nell.
I found this exercise a great catalyst. It was hard to get across the meanings I intended whilst strictly keeping to the scheme. In the end though the result DOES feel quite natural and works for me. But then as you say SS achieved a beautiful rhythm in this poem. What a shame I cannot take any credit for the metre......
I am tempted to repeat this exercise with a range of well loved poems. It might draw out a new rhythm in my own original work. I find that I often slip into the same patterns in my poems.
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Nell at 14:46 on 30 March 2005
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Jabulani, I forgot to say welcome to the group! Welcome. Re. repeating the exercise, I've been having exactly the same thought myself. This exercise has really brought home the importance of rhythm and metre.
Nell.
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 joanie at 15:50 on 30 March 2005
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Jabulani, this is beautiful. It has to be read aloud, when the metre just makes it flow. Like others have commented, I can see her sitting and laughing.
Well done!
joanie
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Jabulani at 15:54 on 30 March 2005
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For those who'd like a reminder.....
Stevie Smith - Not Waving But Drowning
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
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The Walrus at 18:44 on 30 March 2005
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Like Laura, I do not know the poetry exercise but I like this very much because it conveys both the seduction but ultimate destructive nature of the siren.
Christina
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 Elsie at 20:18 on 30 March 2005
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Hello jabulani, just wanted to add my 'welcome' to the group. Well done, nice piece.
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fevvers at 17:40 on 08 April 2005
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Hello
This is a lovely exercise, and what's really nice is how everyone can identify the poems! That's great!
One argument people level at not using metre, is how it restricts the creative flow - I think this just goes to show exactly the opposite and that we enjoy reading and writing forms and in metre.
Stevie Smith had a fantastic voice and often performed her poems to music (often famous pieces of music). What is interesting is how she pushed the music and the language of her poems.
This is a gorgeous rendering of a siren-song - and interestingly one playing with a social conscience, which I think is a nice take on the cliche of siren-song. I like it.
Cheers
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