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Locksmith needed

by joanie 

Posted: 28 March 2005
Word Count: 96
Summary: A very late entry for the metre exercise in Poetry Seminar. I am just concerned that this metre will be common to too many poems, but I have tried to keep some of the 'feel' of it. See what you think! The rhyme scheme is the same.


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Sometimes I try to make some sense
Of all the lies you told;
Or sit a while with head in hands
And spin my band of gold.
The thoughts that surface daily thence
Continue to unfold
Until the strength which life demands
Begins to lose its hold.
You sent me once a pledge of love,
Not really pleasing me,
But rather boosting selfish pride,
So I could not be free.
Your voice was gentle as a dove,
But stung as of a bee.
When you assumed Id be your bride,
I should have kept the key.






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Comments by other Members



Nell at 06:35 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
Hi joanie,

The rhythm and feel of this seem really familiar, yet nothing presents itself as the answer. I enjoyed this, especially '...and spin my band of gold...' - a wonderful image. Your poem could have been written a hundred or more years ago - that must be a clue too. Knowing you a little I'd guess that you have the metre exactly right - hopefully the old organic computer will come up with something today - unless someone else gets there first!

Nell.

joanie at 07:08 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
Hi Nell. You sent me racing back to the original - the metre is the same but the breaks - commas, etc. within the lines are not exact. Well over a hundred years ago - yes!

joanie

<Added>

I think the metre is the same!

paul53 [for I am he] at 14:38 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
I've no idea what the original poem is, but this is a great stand-alone piece.

joanie at 16:26 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
Clue: first published about 1616, then a tune (with which the poem is probably better known) added around 1780.
joanie

Nell at 17:44 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
Shakespeare, Marvell, Milton, Donne - there must be others but I can't think of them...

<Added>

Apparently not Marvell, as he wasn't born until 1621. Shakespeare died in 1616.

joanie at 17:52 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
The dates are 1572-1637

Nell at 18:53 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
Ben Jonson?

<Added>

I thought it might be Drink to me Only, but noooooo....

tinyclanger at 19:16 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
These dates fit Ben Johnson, but I dont t know any of his poetry, just the plays....
Joanie, you tinker, got us in all-a-guessing!
x
tc

<Added>

Song to Celia?

joanie at 19:19 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
Nell and tc... Yes, you're right! Nell, I'm really worried now. It IS 'Drink to me only' or 'Song: to Celia'. I'm worried about your 'nooooo...'!!
Well done!

joanie

The Walrus at 19:44 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
As Paul says, a great stand alone piece Joanie. Wry and seamless.

Enjoyed.

Christina

joanie at 19:47 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
Paul and Christina... thank you!

joanie

Nell at 20:00 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
Joanie, sorry, it does fit! The poem in my book ended at 'withered be...' so I thought it was too short. I found the version below though. Well done you!


Drink to me only with thine eyes,
And I will pledge with mine;
Or leave a kiss but in the cup,
And I'll not look for wine.
The thirst that from the soul doth rise
Doth ask a drink divine;
But might I of Jove's nectar sup,
I would not change for thine.
I sent thee late a rosy wreath,
Not so much honouring thee
As giving it a hope that there
It could not withered be.
But thou thereon did'st only breathe,
And sent'st it back to me,
Since when it grows and smells, I swear
Not of itself, but thee.




joanie at 05:41 on 30 March 2005  Report this post
That's the one! Thanks, Nell.

joanie

fevvers at 14:22 on 08 April 2005  Report this post
Lovely Joanie, a lovely reply to the original.

Why are you worried about the metre? It's not the most common metre in English poetry; I'd say imabic pentameter is because it's closest to natural speech. This is an iambic tetrameter followed by an iambic trimeter isn't it?

Cheers



joanie at 15:08 on 08 April 2005  Report this post
Thank you, fevvers. I'm only bothered about the metre because of the exercise we were doing; I was trying to get the same metre as the original.

Like I always say, I'm learning a lot on here!

Thanks for reading and responding.

joanie

fevvers at 16:56 on 08 April 2005  Report this post
Joanie

I think you hold the metre well. The only thing I'd suggest you think about, metrically, is varying the metre a little. Variations add vibrancy to metre and takes a little away from the monotone a set metre can have. What's interesting about these poems is how the four-foot line is supported by the three-foot line. The three foot adds to the elevation of the metre - listen to how the line ascends. "Drink to me only with thine eyes, / And I will pledge with mine; "

I love metre, I wish I understood it better. It's great to see so much lovely writing in metre. Well done!

Cheers


joanie at 17:57 on 08 April 2005  Report this post
Thanks again! I love metre too. Experimenting further with it would be good, I think.

joanie


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