Posted: 28 March 2005 Word Count: Summary: A work in progress. The opening of a polemical piece I'm writing. Any comments appreiciated good bad indefferent, whatever
Hi Kenny, it's hard to tell from this short extract where you're going to take this subject and whether you can move away from stock characters to unique and believable creations. Lisa's opening speech about making a difference had me thinking "Oh really?", and I'd like to see you invert my expectations by moving her from talk to real action.
I'm afraid I didn't find the tube scene convincing as there was no sense that anyone was really afraid. Perhaps I'm uniquely timorous, but I'd certainly be scared in a situation like that. And even though Lisa says, she knows where they're coming from, I would expect some sense of inner anxiety there.
Finally, I like the title - it certainly worked for The Jam!
I am asuming this is the piece you originally wanted to write on the writers course / workshop.
I think the concept works and I know what you wanted to look at here, contrasting classes forced to interact etc and you use the monologues to introduce the characters at the beginning though I think that Harry's monologue/phone conversation works best. Lisa's is a little forced.
Something you should look at is the timing of the piece. The Tube stops suddenly but then people re-act too early. You live in Hackney and therefore you have no doubt been trapped in the tube before, it happens at least 16 times I day, all these people are londoners and therefore the tube breaking down is pretty much commonplace. You need to build the tension more. Harry is trying to open a door and escape within seconds of the tube breaking down AND there's no announcement from the driver. Might it be better to build the tension over a longer period?
Point of reference: I've mentioned the work of Leroy Jones to you before and I don't know if you've managed to read any yet but I draw your attention again the 'The Dutchman' - a play that takes place in a tube carriage.
Good luck with this, look forward to reading more.
Love the title and I personally adore anything set on a tube, always have. That said, I agree with both Courtney and Adele. Though I like the opening at the moment Lisa is a bit of a cliche, of course good actors can breathe life into anything but why make them work any harder than they have to? Lisa certainly needs to be confident but we also need to believe in her. Maybe she could realise that everything she is spouting is by the book and reel it off pat, but then add her own words and objectives whilst projecting any doubts she may have. The tube scene definitely needs more tension and an announcement from the driver or guard. You will create tension and probably some comedy by having all the characters remain silent and avoiding each others gaze for a few minutes. Perhaps the tube could be stopping and starting before the initial threat from Jermaine so when it eventually stops for good, he makes his move. I've never seen anyone try a door on the tube when it's stuck in the tunnel, where would you go? What would you do? Would your mobile work? I liked the way you've portrayed Kelly, her concern for her child is very moving and you could certainly build on that.
I just wrote you a whole lot of notes and somehow in hitting the preview button lost the lot! Here goes again! I enjoyed reading this piece having recently written a short film set predominantly in a tube carriage (though its very different - all about love and MP3 players!).
I think you have a great idea here but at the moment it isn't quite working. I think the characters seem to be speaking the subtext and giving too much away too early. I would be tempted to approach this piece slightly differently.
You have some great characters here - make sure you really know them in and out - do lots of character work on them and then stick them in the locked carriage together. I would then have a good play around with them - a sort of imrpovisation session on the page, asking yourself what could happen here?
With Jermaine you have a great device - a crack addict desperate for a fix locked in a tube carriage with a load of strangers. I would use this to its best advantage. Rather than having him grab the bag and be up front from the start about who and what he is, I would have him in the carriage going quietly crazy until he errupts. He is a timebomb waiting to explode in a confined space. That's a playwright's dream!
If the play starts with the carriage and all its passengers inside, followed swiftly by a announcement from the driver that the train will be stationary for a very long time then you have a chance to really allow these characters, their life stories, feelings and prejudices to unfold. With them trapped, unable to escape you have the perfect opportunity to explore human behaviour and any number of issues.
I don't know if you've had a chance to see Matt Charman's play at Soho, the Verity Bargate 2004 winner - A Night At The Dogs but it would be well worth a visit. In it, five men are together in the confinement of a small flat over a couple of hours. In the second half they are locked in a bedroom under very tense circumstances. Their individual stories emerge and their behaviour to one another and the unseen characters is gradually revealed. I think this play could have events that unfold in a smilar way.
At the moment you are playing all your cards up front. I wouldn't have the audience know anything about Jermaine at all at the start. If his desperation for a fix gradually builds towards a crescendo, an explosion of violence and anger, it could wrk very well. An audience might think he's mad to begin with - their are some similarities between schizophrenia and a crack comedown for the seriously addicted! You could employ some details of the addiction - spotting for example where an addict on a comedown scrabbles about on the floor convinced they can see fragments of white rock - a hallucination.
I think putting Lisa in the carriage could be very useful too and her reaction to Jermaine might be more interesting if he doesn't snatch her bag. If he starts to lose it in the carriage what will the others do? Will people confront him? Will she try to help him? It could be such an interesting exploration of human behaviour and all manner of issues.
I hope that has given you lots to think about. I would love to read more so do keep me posted.
Thanks for reading and commenting on the piece. I think you are right.The initial set-up and pace at the moment is too hurried and lacking in tension and plausbility! Yeah you wouldn't try and open a tube door in a stalled train?
Courtney yes with the piece I am trying to explore contrasting people of class, gender and race forced to interact in this confined space. I have read the Dutchman and will read it again to see how he paces his piece.
Julie yes I do like the suggestion of the occupients all initally staying silent. Very English!
Emilia you've given me a wealth of idea's! Because after the initial set-up. I wasn't too sure where I am going with this piece. As the others have stated you're right it doe's need pacing as I do give too much away early. I think I will see "A Night At The Dog's" to see how the playwright deal's with the confinement of the characters.
As an annoying audience member when a character is addressing me and says 'you're probably thinking...', or 'I know you think...' I try my damnest to think the opposite - I like characters to tell me their story and not feel like I'm being manipulated by them.
I liked the idea of the characters being locked in the carriage of the train - I think the convergence of the characters could be developed more so, by the time, we understand them and have formed opinions about them - even if they are then inverted through the unfolding plot.
kennyp 
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