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At the Edge

by Jabulani 

Posted: 28 March 2005
Word Count: 53
Summary: A little tale of unspoken love.....


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At the edge
we hesitate
Our feet slip beneath
the silent lip
Tide upon tide
standing mute
We skim dancing stones
across the breaking surface

Words

Whose light touch
Sounds resonations
Deep to the oceanís belly.
Do you feel the voices
Pulling at our toes
And through our finger tips
that barely touch?






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Comments by other Members



joanie at 21:43 on 28 March 2005  Report this post
Hi Jabulani. This is lovely, evocative, excellent in its understatement.

I like it.

joanie

The Walrus at 19:40 on 29 March 2005  Report this post
A tantalising magical piece.

The Walrus

Ticonderoga at 13:28 on 30 March 2005  Report this post
Like the sea, this looks simple on the surface, but is teeming with fascinating life, much of it very beautiful, much of it dangerous, much of it beautiful and dangerous! A moment and sensation we can all respond to.


Best,


Mike

laurafraser at 13:30 on 30 March 2005  Report this post
Really beautiful. A moving sensuality to it that lulls you like a quiet ocean.

LAura

Account Closed at 16:51 on 30 March 2005  Report this post
Wonderfully erotic piece. Loved the sea imagery as sexual movement, whether fulfilled or not. I think the words here are very strong, so I would be tempted to cut most capital letters and grammar (though I'm in 2 minds about that wonderful last question mark) and do an e.e. cummings - how about:

At the edge
we hesitate
our feet slip beneath
the silent lip
tide upon tide
standing mute
we skim dancing stones
across the breaking surface

words

whose light touch
sounds resonations
deep to the oceanís belly
do you feel the voices
pulling at our toes
and through our finger tips
that barely touch?

I'd also be tempted to call it "On the edge" rather than "On the Edge" for the same reasons, but feel free to disagree!

LoL

A
xxx

PS I've decided - keep that end "?"!!

Jabulani at 18:37 on 30 March 2005  Report this post
Thanks HollyB for your ideas......
It's made me have another look at it. I certainly didn't really think too much about punctuation.

I have to admit your description of it as 'erotic' kind of scared me a bit and made me wonder what you were seeing. It was about physical longing but all entirely unexpressed.....the feeling of being on the edge of something very powerful but being unable to reach across and make it real. The question reflects the uncertainty about whether the feelings are mutual.

....that's the thing about poetry I guess; we can't dictate what our words will mean to someone else but I'm glad that it had an effect on you.

Account Closed at 06:40 on 31 March 2005  Report this post
Ooh, sorry, Jabulani - didn't mean to scare anyone; still, it certainly felt sensual to me!

:))

LoL

A
xxx


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