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by Ambitions of Lisa 

Posted: 27 March 2005
Word Count: 153
Summary: Fictional poem about adultery.

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So seductive with his ardent gaze,
Eyes burning into me with passion ablaze,
Chemistry strong, submission so wrong,
I weaken at his touch, craving so much,

Resistance is futile, Iím under his spell,
He is my heaven, he knows me so well,
Erotic grind, I lose my mind,
I feel his power, itís the midnight hour,

From fantasy to reality he came,
My desire so vocal Iím calling his name,
I donít want to let go, it was so hard to say no,
Iíd committed adulterous sin, nobody could win,

Mind-blowing encounters, demolish my guilt,
A relationship of delicious lust we built,
He kisses me and holds me, against him firm,
Its no longer a game, I want him long term,

My sweet lover and a hotel room,
I escape to him from lifeís daily gloom,
Is the grass greener? Or am I a dreamer?
Shameful is my voice, it is my choice

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Comments by other Members

James Graham at 18:11 on 27 March 2005  Report this post
Hi Lisa. Welcome to the Poetry group. I haven't commented on any of your work so far, so it's high time.

It's ambitious to attempt a poem with such a strict rhyme scheme, and much of the time you make it work. For example, 'Chemistry strong, submission so wrong' 'Under his spell/knows me so well', 'It's no longer a game, I want him long term' (just consonant rhyme in this one, but a good line) and other rhymes are quite natural and don't seem forced. But 'Erotic grind, I lose my mind'? - 'grind' really does seem to be there for the sake of the rhyme; also in 'Iíd committed adulterous sin, nobody could win' the second phrase in the line is rather weak and seems to be a 'filler' to complete the rhyme. But having said that, generally your rhyming falls nicely into place.

However, I'm not sure you needed so much rhyme for this particular poem. Wouldn't it have been better to have kept to AABB CCDD, without using middle rhymes? Having a lot of middle rhyme can easily become jingly, but this is a poem with a serious subject, and so I would think just end rhyme would suit it much better. At the same time, you might come back to middle rhyme for a different subject, maybe one that was lighter, more of a fun poem than this.

Let me know what you think.

I hope you've found WW helpful so far.


Ambitions of Lisa at 18:36 on 27 March 2005  Report this post
Thanks James
Yes I was a little hesitant regarding the subject matter and the rhyming scheme and I see your point regarding some lines being weaker than others or only there for the sake of rhyme.
I put a lot of thought into it, but I do think it was slightly ambitious. Hopefully readers will see more of the passionate side than the sinful adulterous side though.
I am finding WW very helpful and comments are always welcome. I like to know where I'm going wrong and hope to use any criticism in a constructive way.

James Graham at 18:54 on 27 March 2005  Report this post
Yes, it is more about the 'passionate side' than the sinful side. It isn't a grim poem about adultery. It's still not quite a fun poem, maybe, but closer to that than to some Victorian moral verses about the wages of sin being death, and such like. Maybe the middle rhymes are ok. A few of them could do with being altered, though.


Zettel at 12:53 on 28 March 2005  Report this post

Welcome to the group.

Honest and very direct. I enjoyed this.

As someone who is trying to free himself from the impulse to rhyme I agree with James's comments.

Something I try for a second draft might be of interest. I take the first draft then try to lose every single word I can and still keep the essential thought or feeling of every line. Let the rhyming look after itself, maybe it will, maybe it won't - I let the poem tell me. Then I add back the odd word for consistency of rhythm.

Might not be your thing but I find it a useful exercise.

Nice piece. More please.



Ambitions of Lisa at 22:16 on 28 March 2005  Report this post
Thank you Zettel, I tried your suggestion and am still working on it, hopefully it will come together soon.

seanfarragher at 19:00 on 16 May 2005  Report this post
I loved the push and pull of the poem, but agree with most that the end rhyme takes away energy without adding anything to the music of the poem. Just let your body speak as you create your myth and let your imagination have no boundaries. Jump into the fire and burn and come out the other side not harmed. When we take risks in our poems that is what we do. We show that we fear nothing and expose all, and that links us to a gathering of poets who share a language and a passion for honesty. Well Done.

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