Tocsin
Posted: 05 July 2003
Word Count: 103
Summary: An attempt to write in an earlier style!
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O come to me in the soaring dawn
Of a brittle lovers April.
Though the grasping wind
Thy tourmaline cape
A shroud and winding sheet make.
Compass about the stinging shades
Of that crackling, broken day.
As the simpering sun
From thy schappe gown
A tender wedding bed makes.
Then loft the agate chalice high
In the sight of Brigandu.
Though Danu’s crushing,
Ice-cold stream
Would drown thee in its flow.
And so, unbidden, come to me now,
Heed not the tocsin’s toll.
‘Tis but the trembling, bitter air
Bidding thy naked steps toward
Its shuddering, fiery wake.
(with apologies, posthumously, to W.B.YEATS)
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Comments by other Members
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 fevvers at 14:14 on 05 July 2003
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Hey John
I'm interested why you wanted to write in this diction. I think you can still have a sense of the drama of the poem and a homage to the style without the diction being so heavy (almost as to be camp - is this your intention?)
I loved the first two lines but rather than end on the soft stress of 'pril', something in my ear was begging for a full stress ending - this also has soemthing to do with the diction - it lends itself to this kind of cadence.
I think a lot of this poem is very strong but where it's strongest is where the language is more contemporary "compass about the stinging shades/ Of that crackling, broken day." Even the vocative of the first line can be read in contemporary sense.
Interesting. Made me think of Donne's Devotions.
Cheers
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LONGJON at 23:18 on 05 July 2003
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G'day Fevvers
Why write in this diction - because winter hit us suddenly, it was freezing cold,my weeks leave was coming to an end and the drudgery of Monday loomed. Because I had just been re-reading some of Yeats (who I still find hard to take) and thought, rather than simply dismissing his work out of frustration, lets see if I can give it a go.
Camp ? Don't know what you mean - do you mean simply exaggerated, over the top. If so, certainly, it was a deliberate attempt to write something totally over the top, for the heck of it, and deliberately non contemporary.
Did it work? Well, it was a chance to take some old words out of the drawer, like old shirts, that you hadn't worn for a while to see if they might still have some life left in them.
Do it again? Maybe, but perhaps in a contemporary voice.
What did you think about "Kaikoura"?
Take care,
John P.
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olebut at 11:43 on 08 July 2003
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John
I like you am no great Yeates fan but the first stanza of your poem does work wonderfully well
david
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LONGJON at 12:28 on 08 July 2003
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G'day olebut,
Generous as ever. Its not a style I intend to pursue, but it seemed like a bit of fun, a small test if you like.
Take care
John
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olebut at 23:25 on 08 July 2003
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John
the wonderful thing about poetry is you can try out different styles and play with so many ways of purveying a message or emotion. I wonder if it is feasable to take a topic or subject and wirte basically the same poem in different styles? and if it is is it worth doing?
take care olebut
david
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Lisa at 12:51 on 12 July 2003
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Hi John, this is great - and I love the title too.
I agree with fevvers to a certan extent - that the more contemporary lines seem to have more impact than some of the ye olde ones. But despite that I don't think you should change it (at least not radically) because it all hangs together so beautifuuly.
I'd love to hear this performed to music - something gentle and acoustic.
Thanks for a lovely poem.
Lisa
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LONGJON at 01:37 on 13 July 2003
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Hi Lisa,
Many thanks for your coments, most generous. The piece was just an "off the cuff" experiment, after reading some Yeats.
The music idea is interesting, could be fun if someone on the site is musically equipped to pick a group of the poems they liked and put them to music.I'd love to hear it - regret that I'm not able to do it myself.
Take care,
John P.
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Lisa at 01:39 on 13 July 2003
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Hi fellow insomniac.
Just loved the voice of this piece.
Will check out some more of yours.
Lisa
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LONGJON at 05:00 on 13 July 2003
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Hi Lisa,
You may find interesting a short piece I've just done in the Beginners group with Anna Reynolds, called The Boy and The Bed. Anne set the task of 100 words on "A Fantasy Bed", and I did the exercise, then expanded a little on it.
Actually you only gain the impression that I share insomnia because I am in New Zealand, twelve hours ahead of the UK. Certainly a night owl though.
Many thanks for your comments, I shall definitely look for more of your work - I much enjoyed "Towards Sunrise". It's fun writing, isn't it, once you get past thinking "Oh, I can't do this"
Take care and keep writing.
John P.
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fevvers at 11:37 on 14 July 2003
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Hey David
A friend of mine once wrote the same poem in every form he could, from different perspectives and voices . To see how it worked really and what could be done with a simple premise. I think it's very important to try out new ways of writing, even if it's simple exercises like writing longer lines if you write short ones, or writing free-verse if you write in form, it makes your mind work in different ways. Ways that prbably it's not used to.
Cheers
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olebut at 11:44 on 14 July 2003
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Jacqueline
I think any thing which inspires the mind to expand its perceptions is a good excercise
take care
david
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