 Hamburger Yogi & PBW at 06:00 on 21 March 2005
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Alliteration and assonance very attractive in this short poem.
Am I being piffling if I say 'watercolour' would work better than 'watercoloured'? (Something to do with immediacy.)
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 joanie at 06:46 on 21 March 2005
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Thanks, Ham Y & P. It's certainly easier to say - 'watercolour' - but I wanted to show the distance as having been painted in watercolour, hence 'watercoloured'. I know what you mean. I hadn't realised, until your comment reminded me, that this is very much like the very first haiku I wrote and a WW member suggested that I change 'moon-silvered sea' to 'moon-silver sea'. It must be me!! I'll try both and see what I think.
Many thanks again.
joanie
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Beanie Baby at 14:06 on 21 March 2005
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Lovely dreamy piece, this, Joanie. Can almost close my eyes and imagine myself there!
Beanie
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lieslj at 14:46 on 21 March 2005
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Hi Joanie,
I like the imagery you have created. I agree with Ham that 'watercolour' is more powerful.
Can you inject some more power into your title? Perhaps something that would locate the reader.
Hope that helps,
Liesl
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joanie at 16:14 on 21 March 2005
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Nik, Beanie and Liesl... many thanks. I keep repeating watercolour/watercoloured. I can't decide.
joanie
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joanie at 18:43 on 21 March 2005
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Following Liesl's suggestion, a change in title. Not sure if it's better, or if I'm supposed to have a title for a haiku.(?)
joanie
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Fearless at 18:44 on 21 March 2005
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Joanie
Could be entitled 'snapshot', for that's what I saw.
Write on, Fearless
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lieslj at 19:17 on 21 March 2005
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Which Island? We're getting close, Joanie.
I still want something more. Perhaps that is a reflection of me always feeling an outsidser as an African. If other people have/had a similar response, then perhaps it does want more 'grounding'. If you feel the title is a good one, then leave it.
Liesl
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joanie at 19:27 on 21 March 2005
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Thanks for responding again, Liesl! OK - if I had to be specific, it could be "Cloud over Mann".
You're still confused, I bet!
joanie
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The Walrus at 21:53 on 21 March 2005
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I adore the gentle images of this piece but mountains and sea combined didn't work for me. I kind of felt the first two lines worked beautifully, then I had problems with the introduction of the sea. How can I see the sea when there are mountains in the way? I guess you have seen this view and I haven't. Whatever! An enjoyable read!
Christina
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joanie at 22:14 on 21 March 2005
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Christina - you need to come to the Isle of Man. You would see all this and more in microcosm. It is beautiful.
joanie
<Added>
Thank you, by the way!!
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lieslj at 19:18 on 22 March 2005
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Cloud Over Mann - oh yes! Now I am content.
Never been to Mann, but I live in hope. Should I pass a cloud there, I shall think fondly of my poet friend Joanie!
Me? Confused? Ha!
L
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Account Closed at 16:52 on 30 March 2005
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Wonderfully "Turner" & impressionistic - I love it! Might put a semi-colon at the end of the 2nd line rather than a full-stop though - but, hey, you know what I'm like by now!!
:))
LoL
A
xxx
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joanie at 18:09 on 30 March 2005
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Thanks, Anne. I agree with you! I'll change it.
joanie
<Added>
I have changed it
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