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Grandpa

by Ambitions of Lisa 

Posted: 18 March 2005
Word Count: 181
Summary: Dedicated to my grandfather, this is a poem about a child's innocence in relation to age and time. All comments welcome.


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A little girl, full of spark and bliss,
Skips towards the council bungalow,
In which her Grandpa sits, exists

Familiar scent, of Golden Virginia,
She runs to him through a smoky haze,
Across the heavily patterned carpet

His arms outstretched, warm and inviting,
Dull wool pullover of greys and browns,
Hangs loosely on his frame, so fragile

Innocent play from this precious little girl,
Brings happy smiles and water to his eyes,
As he lights another rolled up white stick

She loves the attention the old man gives,
Feeling she is special, the centre of his world,
Playing with betting slips on his coffee table

The drone of the horse-racing sends her to sleep,
Head on Grandpa’s lap, curled up and content,
Her dreams are of play, so pure and sweet

Her young mind doesn’t stretch to feelings of loss,
Time taken for granted with old Grandpa,
One day he wouldn’t be there to make her laugh

Just a precious memory and a photograph,
Her tears would fall and her heart would break,
As she looked back to cherish those days






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Comments by other Members



joanie at 13:03 on 18 March 2005  Report this post
Lovely, Lisa. Grandparents are very special to children. This is a beautiful illustration of the sentiments.

I enjoyed it.

joanie

Ticonderoga at 14:37 on 18 March 2005  Report this post
Plain words are best when doing this sort of thing, and you've done a marvellous, unsentimental job. Write on!

Mike

Mac AM at 08:05 on 19 March 2005  Report this post
Hello,

What a beautiful collection of internal rhymes in the following line:

Dull wool pullover of greys and browns
.

I would suggest a few minor changed to the last two stanzas:

Her young mind doesn’t stretch to feelings of loss,
Time taken for granted with old Grandpa,
One day he won't be there to make her laugh

Just a precious memory and a photograph,
tears will fall, her heart will break,
As she looks back to cherish those days

That way, you get a clearer picture that this is either the poet, or just the little girl grown up, looking back, rather than just a telling of what the future might hold.

Does this make sense?

Mac




Zettel at 10:23 on 20 March 2005  Report this post
Lisa

Achingly sad. THe pace of modern life and mobility has denied too many people, youmg and old, this very special form of love. Your poem captures it beautifully

Zettel

Don Gorgon at 12:28 on 21 March 2005  Report this post
Lovely poem Lisa. You paint some lovely pictures with your words which bring back many fond memories for me, thinking about my Grandad. I really enjoyed this, nice one.

Peace and Love

Don

Ambitions of Lisa at 12:49 on 21 March 2005  Report this post
Thank you Don..... grandparents are special and I wanted to put that into words somehow....
Quite pleased with how this piece turned out :)
Lisa

lieslj at 17:10 on 21 March 2005  Report this post
Hi Lisa,

Welcome to WriteWords.

This poem works best for me where you give us the tangible details of your grandfather, as in the following lines:

Across the heavily patterned carpet

His arms outstretched, warm and inviting,
Dull wool pullover of greys and browns,
Hangs loosely on his frame, so fragile


Playing with betting slips on his coffee table

The drone of the horse-racing sends her to sleep,


In those sections, I am drawn in to the work and want to know more about him and the encounter with his grandchild.

I am less convinced and engaged by sections like this where I feel I'm being told, rather than shown, what happened:
Just a precious memory and a photograph,
Her tears would fall and her heart would break,
As she looked back to cherish those days


You have also used the word 'precious' twice in the poem, which perhaps might encourage a reader to perceive that quality in the work.

For me, you've made a good start. I am sure your ancestors will be greatly honoured by the respect you have shown them here.

Regards
Liesl


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