Blind Faith
Posted: 13 March 2005
Word Count: 134
Summary: A continuation of an exercise in Poetry Seminar - I took 'Belief's hot mud' and tried to make it into something more.
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Hot mud springs
bubble healing powers
to ease the pains of modern
life, therapeutic minerals
for aching limbs or unsound minds.
Thermal mud regenerates,
makes whole. Immune systems
are restored, lives made clean,
wounds restored. My body
craves this restoration, longs for
therapy.
Those travellers who make the journey
claim healing for their own.
I sit, mantled in my belief
and lie in wait for wholeness.
Version II
Those travellers who make the journey
claim healing for their own.
I sit, mantled in my belief
and lie in wait for wholeness. My body
craves this restoration, longs for
therapy.
Hot mud springs
bubble healing powers
to ease the pains of modern
life, therapeutic minerals
for aching limbs or unsound minds.
Thermal mud regenerates,
makes whole. Immune systems
are restored, lives made clean,
wounds restored.
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Comments by other Members
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 Tina at 18:02 on 13 March 2005
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Hi Joanie
I am not sure why but I am really drawn to the last four lines almost as if for me these are the opening lines or ones you could use to start another poem maybe???
I know this is personal but this is where the impact of this poem lies for me.It is more enigmatic and holds the reader without 'telling' - something like this below:-
Those travellers who make the journey
claim healing for their own.
I sit, mantled in my belief
and lie in wait for wholeness.
My body craves this restoration,
longs for therapy.
I do hope you don't mind my 'tampering' with your work like this??
Anyway I enjoyed reading this and I think it has bags of possibilities for a number of additional poems if that is where your thinking lies
with thanks
Tina
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 Nell at 19:13 on 13 March 2005
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Hi Joanie, I had the same thought as Tina when I came to those last four lines - placed at the beginning of the poem the mystery of them would pull the reader in. I wondered too about the repetition/similarity of 'hot mud' and 'thermal mud' - perhaps finding out where the narrator is would come more naturally at the end of the poem? And those last four lines are tantalizing and ambiguous enough to generate a whole family of poems. Great exercise - thanks Elsie.
Nell.
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 joanie at 07:00 on 14 March 2005
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Tina and Nell, thank you for reading and responding. I have tried your suggestion as version II, Tina. I think it works well. I will play around with the repetition of mud later, Nell. Fascinating exercise. Yes, thanks, Elsie!
Thank you both again.
joanie
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Mac AM at 08:09 on 14 March 2005
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Hello Joanie,
This exercise has created working splinters hasn't it? I like this poem very much and the high expectations for the mud.
I'm going to be controversial here because I rather like the idea of splitting those lines so the treatments are in the middle and the poem is balanced:
Travellers who make the journey
claim healing for their own.
Hot mud springs
bubble healing powers
to ease the pains of modern
life, therapeutic minerals
for aching limbs or unsound minds.
Thermal mud regenerates,
makes whole. Immune systems
are restored, lives made clean,
wounds restored.
I sit, mantled in belief,
lie in wait for wholeness. My body
craves this restoration, longs for
therapy.
Of course now you are in a quandary because you have three possible versions and two differing lots of advice. This is only an idea, so please feel free to completely ignore me (who said that?).
Mac
<Added>
Could you place the poem with the title perhaps?
Blind Faith and therapy/Blind Faith Spa - poor examples I know, but just to suggest a solution to Nell's query.
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joanie at 09:32 on 14 March 2005
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Hi Mac. I totally agree with you. I shall re-think and re-vamp at some point today when I have time.
I never cease to be amazed at what comes out of these exercises. I would never have thought of writing about hot mud springs!
Thanks!
joanie
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seanfarragher at 14:47 on 14 March 2005
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I will make deletion edits. I add no new words and when I make a suggestion for a word change (grammatical) it will be set off in square brackets.
First I post the poem as you wrote it, and underneath is my restructured version. If I offend it is out of ignorance or my failure to solict your approval of my method in advance.
Cheers Sean
Version II
Those travellers who make the journey
claim healing for their own.
I sit, mantled in my belief
and lie in wait for wholeness. My body
craves this restoration, longs for
therapy.
Hot mud springs
bubble healing powers
to ease the pains of modern
life, therapeutic minerals
for aching limbs or unsound minds.
Thermal mud regenerates,
makes whole. Immune systems
are restored, lives made clean,
wounds restored.
-------------------------
Alternate Version
Thermal mud regenerates.
Immune systems are restored;
lives made clean; wounds restored.
Mantled in my belief[s]
I lie in wait for wholeness.
My body craves restoration,
longs for therapy.
Hot mud springs
bubble healing powers
ease the pains of modern
life,-- therapeutic minerals
for aching limbs, unsound minds.
Those travellers
who make [made] the journey
claim healing for [as] their own.
###
(Here I would add more to the poem.)
The poem startles with strong imagery, but I feel it needs a foil, a contrary image or phrase to make what you feel inside stronger. I use the deletion edit technique to show how I would edit the poem if it were my own. I do not expect you to use what I suggest directly, but to understand from my surgery how you will fit the reconstructed poem into your own voice.
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joanie at 21:42 on 14 March 2005
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Thanks, Sean. This is really useful. No - I'm not offended at all! I need time to take stock here and decide what I want to say. This is the result of an exercise and I can't believe how intense this has become. Very interesting!
I am going to re-vamp soon, having weighed up everyone's responses to date.
Thanks again.
joanie
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fevvers at 22:11 on 15 March 2005
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Hi Joanie
I love the first two lines, but have a think about taking out "who make the journey" and allowing it filter out in the rest of the poem (or even use it in the title maybe?) You'd have "Those travellers / claim healing for their own." as a very strong start. There is something in those lines (and "I sit, mantled in my belief / and lie in wait for wholeness.") that people are picking up on and I think the reason for that is a couple of things:
1, the voice and experience seems more honest and'authentic' than the hotsprings section and
2, there is a sense that the journey is starting for you as a writer - everytime we write a poem we are embarking on a journey, the fun part is finding where it ends.
I would suggest you totally take out the section from "hot mud springs" to "therapy" because this is a list that has just served to get you to the start of the poem (those lines). From here you should ' write out' in prose anythign that comes to mind - as much as you can, be as descriptive as you can, allow yourself to go anywhere, and then go back and lineate it. DON'T WORRY ABOUT EDITING IT at this stage.
Once you've done this let it sit for a while and then go back and see what it's doing, and how you feel about it. There is a wonderful poem in this piece, but you have to fling open all the doors to it - at the moment you're closing them before you've even given yourself a chance to get to them.
Cheers
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joanie at 06:46 on 16 March 2005
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Thank you fevvers. I shall try what you suggest and see what happens! That was very interesting and useful.
Thanks for reading and for the advice.
joanie
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