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Deep Blue

by Ambitions of Lisa 

Posted: 11 March 2005
Word Count: 118
Summary: A simple poem about scuba diving in the Indian Ocean.


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Lapping against my ankles so warm,
Ocean waves so gentle and calm,

A vastness so wondrous, refreshing and blue,
An experience of beauty, feelings so new,

From shallow depths to waters so deep,
Memories of this I hoped I would keep,

Daylight vanishes above my head,
My air-tank heavy, feeling like lead,

Looking down at colours so bright,
The beauty of coral, an enchanting sight,

Fascinating creatures of delicate grace,
Gliding on by with astounding pace,

Artificial air supply, yet breathing with ease,
Watching fish play on the reef as they tease,

Slowly ascending to that familiar place,
The sunlight greeting and warming my face,

Leaving behind treasures of the deep blue,
Magnificent pleasures of nature so true.






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Comments by other Members



Ticonderoga at 15:29 on 12 March 2005  Report this post
Nice piece, very cleverly structured, with a pleasantly old-fashioned feeling to it. A couple of tiny quibbles - you use 'anew' wrongly: in that context it would need to be something like 'felt anew'. Sorry. Also, I'd like a little more colour (literally) once you're under the water - what colour, for example, is the coral; as we all know, it comes in many shades, so it would be more vivid if you coloured it in for us. But, a very enjoyable poem. Write on!

Mike

engldolph at 08:09 on 13 March 2005  Report this post
Hi Ambitions,
Welcomme to the group!

Yes, a nice simple poem. More of a children's piece I think (I can imagine my nieces enjoying it). But as Mike said, a bit more colour needed to catch that blazing fire of the reef...and "gliding" with astounding pace didn't quite sound right (maybe another word other than gliding).

write on
Mike



Mac AM at 09:51 on 13 March 2005  Report this post
Hello, welcome to the group.

I am extremely claustrophobic with masks, so was unable to get to grips with diving, so it was lovely to read about what I'm missing. Like the two Mike's - dreadfully confusing I know - I wanted to be shown everything more vividly. It feels as though you are showing me a glimpse, but not allowing me to see everything with your eyes. It leaves me full of questions, which is not a bad thing in itself, but I would really love to know what creatures, how deep, how warm etc. You have been where I can't go and your poem makes me greedy for more.

The full-rhymes tend to bind the reader to the strong rhythm, but when that rhythm breaks down as it does a little towards the end, it interferes with the images you are painting. Have you considering running the lines into each other, so that the pause doesn't come at the end of the line?

I very much look forward to reading more from you and your experiences.

Mac


Ambitions of Lisa at 15:04 on 13 March 2005  Report this post
Hi Mike, Mike and Mac

Many thanks for your comments, very heplful.

I found it difficult to do the ocean and my diving experiences justice with this poem, I agree with you. Its hard to find the words to describe just how beautiful it was on the reef....

i kept it very simple and it didn't take me long to write but I would now like to write another piece on diving... and give the reader more of a picture of what i saw, and how i felt. Watch this space.

:)
Lisa

Mac AM at 21:32 on 13 March 2005  Report this post
Fantastic stuff - show me what I'm missing!




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