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Three`s Company

by stephanieE 

Posted: 04 July 2003
Word Count: 3535
Summary: This is a chapter of the erotic novel that I have almost completed. Further to the discussion on erotica in the Forum I am now terrified that everyone is expecting something marvellously literate - sorry, it's just a story with some sex in it - does that make it porn?


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Maddy stretched luxuriantly on the sun-lounger, feeling a slight twinge in her shoulder from the after-effects of two hours of energetic tennis in the morning. Really it was heaven she thought, adjusting her sunglasses and reaching for her book. Peter had actually confiscated her mobile phone on the first night, having found her picking up her messages before dinner, and simply refused to divulge its whereabouts. Secretly she was pleased, because although there was a niggling worry that someone might really need to get hold of her in a hurry, she had a damn good excuse for leaving everything until next week, although next week was rapidly approaching. It had been exactly as Peter had promised: relaxing by the pool or on the beach, playing tennis with a succession of charming, perfectly dentured friends, and eating lazy meals of lobster or steak on the deck at sunset, accompanied by the best of Peter’s cellars. Tonight there was to be a farewell dinner, as tomorrow afternoon they would all be heading back to the city and the hurly-burly of Manhattan. Another half-hour, and then she would really have to go and shower and change for dinner.

“Hey Maddy!” She glanced across the pool to where a tall, silver-haired figure was striding purposefully towards her.

“John, hello,” she responded with genuine warmth. John Charlesworth was a Canadian, a surgeon who’d moved into a neighbouring house at the same time as Peter and Laura, and had been a regular tennis partner during the week. “What brings you here? Surely you don’t want to drag me off to beat me at tennis again?” she teased.

John grinned broadly. “Hell, no, I just heard a rumour that a beautiful woman was lying around semi-naked next door, so I thought I should check it out.”

Despite herself Maddy blushed. It was true that this new swimsuit Laura had encouraged her to buy was more revealing than she would usually select, with a low-cut front and high-cut legs. Self-consciously she drew her knees up to her chin.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” he offered, perching on the edge of the sun-lounger, “I just popped round to see if Laura wanted me to get anything from Nico’s.” Nico’s was the most amazing seafood place out by the port, where you selected your supper whilst it was still swimming in the tank.

“I think she’s out there right now, actually,” Maddy responded, “I did offer to help with supper, but she wouldn’t hear of it.”

“Don’t take offence, honey, Laura’s kind of… independent I guess.”

“Oh, I didn’t take offence, it’s just… well, they’ve been so good to me, I felt the least I could do was to offer to do supper.”

“Don’t worry, they enjoy entertaining.” This, Maddy reflected, was certainly true. There had been a succession of friends and acquaintances dropping in at all hours. John had, perhaps, been the most frequent visitor, and she had easily taken to his open charm and teasing ways. “And you, honey, deserve to be entertained.”

Maddy smiled. “Thanks, John – I’ve certainly enjoyed my week’s escape from the city.”

John rested a hand lightly on her knee, “It ain’t over yet Maddy,” he said with surprising seriousness, before running his hand gently down her shin. John held her quizzical gaze, then with a slight smile, rose to his feet, leaving Maddy feeling inexplicably breathless. “See you later, honey.” And with a sketched wave, he was off.

“Mmm. Wonder what that was about?” Maddy wondered, before reaching once more for her book.



A couple of hours later, as Maddy twirled her glass between her fingers, admiring the way that the setting sun shot sparkles through the bubbles of champagne, she wondered again. There was an atmosphere about this evening’s meal, a sort of tense expectancy that she did not quite understand. Maybe Peter and Laura had had an argument, she thought, or perhaps it was simply a build-up of stress as they all realised they would soon be back behind desks in the City. Whatever the reason, the air of languid ease she had enjoyed on previous evenings was definitely absent.

John caught her eye from across the table. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“Oh, nothing really. Trying not to think about going back to work, I guess.”

“Forget about work for tonight, Maddy. You’re still here aren’t you?”

“Yes, sure, but…”

“But nothing honey. Tomorrow will bring whatever it brings. Tonight… well,” a smile slowly spread from his mouth to his eyes, “the night is still young.”

“Oh no!” Maddy exclaimed in mock horror, “you’re not going to make us play some of those crazy student drinking games again!” This time John laughed out loud.

“Not unless you want to, honey!”

“Want to what?” Laura had picked up on John’s comment.

“Want to play crazy games,” replied John, still grinning.

“Oh, I’m sure we can find some games that Maddy would like to play,” Laura’s delicately arched eyebrow was raised with unmistakable suggestiveness.

“Hey, I’m game for anything – but I do have to be back in the city tomorrow.”

“Don’t we all,” murmured Laura. She flicked a glance at Peter before raising her eyes to Maddy’s once more. “Hell! Let’s quit this talk and remember that we’ve still got – oh, fifteen hours left before we have to say goodbye to this place – who’s coming for a swim?” And with that, she pushed her chair back and threw her napkin down on the table. “Last one in the pool has to fetch breakfast in the morning!” Since this had been the subject of much idle gambling (the outcome of many a set at tennis had determined who fetched fresh croissants from the high street bakery), there was an immediate scramble for the door.

Maddy leaped up the stairs two at a time, confident that she would not be the last to reach the pool. Struggling into her swimsuit, fingers clumsy from too much champagne, she peered out of her window at the sound of splashing and laughter. Already there were four – no, five figures in the water, with the house lights spilling a warm glow over a scene of almost childish merriment. Maddy grabbed a hairband and went to join in the fun. Approaching the pool from the main part of the house, she found that the French doors had been locked. Momentarily perplexed, she knocked on the glass, trying to get Laura’s attention. Laura turned and laughed, but made no move to come and unfasten the doors. It was only then that the extent of her betrayal became apparent. John appeared on the deck and took a flying leap into the pool, causing a small tidal wave to submerge the other guests. Maddy ran around to the side door, and emerged onto the deck with the sternest frown she could manage.

“John Charlesworth – you cheated! You locked me in – you rotter, you bounder, you cad, you blackguard, you- you…”

“Hey, enough already! You English have such a great vocabulary”

“You have the same one, it’s just you’re ignorant of 95% of it,” Maddy replied snappily.

John laughed out loud. “Hey, you’re not really upset are you?”

Maddy couldn’t maintain her sulky mien and broke into an answering grin. “Nah, I’ll just have to find a way to get you back before the end of the evening.” And with that she executed a perfect dive into the pool.

There was something very decadent about swimming at night. Although the lights of the house spilt onto the deck, the light was dim, and the way the shadows moved over the water lent the scene a shifting, almost cinematic air, a sense of unreality. Maddy felt that she had somehow emerged into a 1930’s black-and-white movie, where all the characters were perfectly civil, but the atmosphere was charged with undercurrents of suppressed passion. The champagne continued to flow, and the mood mellowed. Gradually the other guests drifted away, with promises to ‘keep in touch’, until just Peter, Laura, Maddy and John remained.

Maddy yawned. “I really ought to go to bed guys, especially if you’re serious about making me go to the bakery at the crack of dawn tomorrow.”

“I’m always serious about food, honey,” John drawled with a twinkle in his eye.

“No, John, you’re serious about sport, and that’s about it,” Peter contradicted, pulling himself out of the pool. “There’s one more bottle of champagne left, and it would be a shame to leave it behind…”

“Couldn’t you just pack it and bring it to the city?” Laura asked, from her prone position at the side of the pool.

“Darling, you know that champagne doesn’t travel well…”

Maddy smiled. Peter took his wines very seriously, and she suspected that Laura was deliberately teasing him. “Really, I should go to bed.”

John arrested her movement with a hand on her arm. “Do you really want to?” The other hand lightly stroked her waist under the water, and Maddy was surprised to find herself shiver at the touch. Alarmed, she glanced over towards Laura. Laura had raised herself onto one elbow and was surveying the scene with some interest. John slid his body beside her, drawing his hand down her hip to her thigh. Maddy held her breath, wondering what would happen next. “Do you really want to?” John asked again.

“Ah… well, I guess that depends.”

“On what, Maddy?” John was now dangerously close, his stare holding her gaze.

“On… er… the alternatives.”

In response, John bent his head to hers and kissed her gently on the cheek, brushing his jaw along the soft skin, to arrive at her mouth. The fingers of his right hand still moved up and down her side, generating currents of water that ebbed and flowed around her legs. Maddy felt her nerve-endings begin to sing, becoming sensitised to the delicate caresses of the moving water, to the continued feather-light touch of his lips on her face, to the warmth of his torso so close to her own. Unconsciously, she moved her hand to hold his shoulder, relishing the deepening of his kiss.

A quiet splash heralded the arrival of Laura. “Can I help persuade you to stay?” she asked in her husky voice. Without waiting for an answer, she reached out to touch Maddy’s shoulder, trailing a finger down her arm. Maddy felt the hairs on the back of her neck rising, and realised that her nipples had the same idea, unmistakably thrusting into the damp and tight fabric of her swimsuit. Both Laura and John had noticed this tell-tale sign of her arousal, and exchanged a small, secret smile.

“So, will you stay or will you go?” John breathed in her ear.

“Unfair,” Maddy replied equally breathily, “when you two-“

Laura placed a finger on her lips to silence her protest. “Don’t think Maddy, just let yourself enjoy…” Maddy found this an easy command to obey, her senses already succumbing to the overwhelming wash of sensations breaking over her. John was nuzzling her neck, his evening stubble pleasantly rough across her skin, whilst his hands continued to create currents around her lower body, occasionally caressing her thigh or her buttocks. Laura had allowed her fingers to drift to Maddy’s breast, and with the most delicate of touches was causing her nipples to strain against her swimsuit as they yearned for more urgent attention. Maddy leant her head back against the side of the pool, and reached for Laura’s trim figure, remembering her heavy breasts and surprising strength.

John and Laura seemed to understand each other, moving and stroking in a choreographed dance of pleasure, never lingering, never hurrying. Simultaneously they released each of Maddy’s breasts from the confines of her swimsuit, breasts by now aching with desire, and dropped their heads to give her nipples the exquisite feel of rough tongue and sucking lips. Maddy looked down through half-closed eyes at the two heads bent so industriously over her chest, one pure silver in the moonlight, and one as dark as midnight. It was incredibly erotic having two such experienced lovers lavish this attention on her, and she felt the imminence of her orgasm, amazed that she could be brought to such a peak without any direct contact on her clitoris. Incoherent moans of delight escaped her lips as the tautness travelled from each over-aroused nipple to gather in her belly, her climax exploding in a wave and a shout. Her knees gave way to uncontrollable trembling, as John and Laura reluctantly released her, John reaching behind her to lift her easily into his arms.

“Well, honey,” John murmured, “did you enjoy that?”

“Mmm,” Maddy replied drowsily, “that was amazing and… unexpected. Thankyou.”

“Oh, don’t thank me, honey – and anyway, we ain’t finished yet.” He carried her into the house, followed by Laura, who was busy collecting towels.

“What about Peter?” Maddy asked, with a tremor of concern. John and Laura exchanged another of those secret looks.

“Peter’s just fine about this,” Laura stated with decision, “trust me.” Too immersed in sexual satisfaction to worry further, Maddy closed her eyes and allowed John to carry her up stairs and place her on a bed – a massive bed in the master bedroom she realised on opening her eyes. Maddy stretched, noticing the enormous mirror opposite the bed and wondering just what sort of sexual games might be in store. Laura pushed her down gently onto the bed, suggesting she remove her swimsuit and offering her a towel. John had disappeared into the bathroom, to emerge wrapped in a huge towelling bathrobe. Laura laughed, and stripped off her own swimsuit with careless abandon, obviously enjoying the appreciative glances from both her admirers. She really did have the most amazing body, thought Maddy, despite her large breasts, her waist was narrow, her legs and arms slender yet muscled, and her sex a narrow riot of black – she must have shaved again – so that she looked curiously vulnerable. Her skin was still touched with damp from the pool, and her hair slicked back on her head, giving her face an almost boyish appearance.

“Come on Laura,” urged John, “don’t just stand there – Maddy will get cold.” Laura laughed, a rich throaty, almost dirty laugh.

“Oh, I don’t think there’s much chance of Maddy cooling off for a while yet,” she smiled, “she’s a girl with stamina.” Maddy remembered their night of wild sex and Laura’s promise to continue until they were ‘fuckin’ incapable of doing anything else’ and quivered with anticipation, and, if she was entirely honest, some apprehension. Still, she was sure that John wouldn’t let anything too unspeakable happen…

Laura climbed onto the bed next to Maddy, dragging a finger up her thigh and towards her waist, letting her hand come to rest on Maddy’s hip bone. “What would you like, honey?” she asked. “I seem to recall that you like playing with these,” placing Maddy’s hand on her breast. “And a little tongue action perhaps?” It was clear that Laura was very much in charge. Maddy obediently kneaded Laura’s breasts, once more surprised at the instantaneous reaction that she was able to provoke, the nipples springing to immediate attention. Laura’s hands were roving over Maddy’s body, warming her at each touch as her skin approached that state of super-sensitivity again. Face to face on the bed, Maddy watched, fascinated, the expressions playing across Laura’s features – at first relaxed, she became increasingly animated, her lips parting as her breath came faster, her eyelids flickering, a tiny pulse beating in her throat, beating faster and faster. She felt the mattress sink as John stretched his weight behind her, and then his hands too were on her body, running swiftly up and down her spine, clashing with Laura’s fingers at her hips, her ribcage, his lips teasing the back of her ears. They were both careful to avoid her own breasts she noticed, but this didn’t stop them responding, eager to take part again. Instinctively, Maddy dropped a hand towards Laura’s part-shaven bush, even as she parted her own legs, aware of the moisture between her thighs that wasn’t entirely pool-water.

“Uh-huh,” Laura panted as she shrank from Maddy’s initial exploration, “not yet. I ain’t ready yet.” Maddy made a moue of disappointment, at which Laura giggled. “Oh, don’t worry, honey, you ain’t gonna be disappointed. Now, give me those hands.” Maddy held out her hands, which were, she noticed absently, trembling ever so slightly from the continuing sexual tension. Laura clasped them in a firm grip and drew them above her head, so bringing her body into contact with Maddy’s own – nose-to-nose, breast-to-breast, hip-to-hip. Maddy could feel the tickle of Laura’s thatch against her own, the jut of her well-hardened nipples, the breath across her lips. Closing her eyes she kissed Laura softly, revelling in the delicious lightness of the contact. John moved behind her, so that she could feel him too, against her shoulderblades, her calves, and, most urgently, the thrust of his cock against the cleft of her buttocks. She shivered, causing a thousand new contacts to tremble between the three of them. The proximity of these two hot bodies was curiously comforting as she felt shielded and protected.

John moved his hand to stroke her exposed underarm and the cup the side of her breast. Maddy shivered again as she felt his cock twitch behind her, and began to arch her back to give him more room. This action caused her to grind herself against Laura, initiating a spasm of pleasure as her willing clitoris made contact. Her need was growing, her juices now flowing freely, and her vagina ached for want of filling. However, Laura still held her hands firmly, preventing her from taking her own pleasure, and John seemed peculiarly reluctant to let his hands stray below her waistline. She groaned, a groan of mixed frustration and desire.

“She’s ready, Laura,” growled John, “give the girl a break.”

“Give you a break you mean,” Laura suggested with another giggle. “What do you want Maddy?”

“I want- I want something inside me.”

“See, John, these English girls aren’t that shy…”

“Please,” Maddy begged, “please…” John was slowly licking the nape of her neck – an area that had always been particularly sensitive – and Laura’s movements had caused her bushy pubes to tickle her inner thighs with almost unbearable subtlety.

“OK, John, lie back there, head over the bottom of the bed. Maddy- well, I’m sure I don’t have to paint a picture for you…” Maddy was only to ready to comply. John was a big man, his erection leaping proudly up towards her from a nest of hair completely untouched by grey. With Laura behind her, she knelt astride John, lowering herself slowly onto his waiting cock. The sensation was incredible – she was so wet, that there was almost no resistance, despite John’s size, and he stayed totally immobile as she gradually felt herself being filled. A sigh of pure satisfaction escaped her lips, and she leant against Laura, welcoming the feel of Laura’s still hard nipples against her back, and her hand creeping onto her tit. For an indescribable moment the three of them remained locked in a frozen tableau. Then John began to move, oh, so slowly, thrusting into her, his eyes closed in concentration, his hands drawing her down onto him even further, penetrating her to the very core. Laura’s hands were busy with her tits and her bush, and Maddy began to writhe between them, increasing the friction on her already sensitized clitoris. She felt her orgasm rushing towards her as John increased the rhythm of his thrusts, and with her hair tossing around in unrestrained abandon and her cries of pleasure competing with the sound of the sea, Maddy came and came with a hitherto unknown force.

Crashing back into Laura’s arms, bathed in sweat, Maddy continued to shake from the after-affects of her orgasms. She was sufficiently conscious however, to voice her concerns about Peter again. “What about Peter? I feel so guilty…”

“Don’t feel guilty, my dear,” It was Peter himself, entering the bedroom carrying the promised bottle of champagne. “You were quite magnificent, and I didn’t miss a thing.” He nodded towards the outsize mirror. Maddy could make out a square of light within the mirror, and was confused until she registered that this was a door – and the door allowed enough light into the narrow room behind the mirror to show the outline of a tripod-mounted camera…

“So,” Maddy was frowning, “you were watching?”

“Filming, actually. As I said, magnificent. So, I think we all deserve some champagne, and I’ll find the rest of those delicious canapes we didn’t manage o finish earlier. And then, dear Laura,” here, he stretched down to give his wife a long and langourous kiss, “I think, you’re not quite finished, mmm?”

“Are you, er… going to join us, Peter?” Maddy asked with some trepidation.

“Oh no, I’m a watcher rather than a doer. Besides, three’s company, and four, on that bed, would very definitely be a crowd.”






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Comments by other Members



Nell at 11:21 on 04 July 2003  Report this post
Hi Stephanie,

It looks as though I am to be the first to comment on this. Do I dare? Courage - onwards, ever onwards!

I noted your comments in the summary - a story with some sex in it. O.K., but it really depends on what effect you want those erotic scenes to have on the reader - which is more important, the storyline and the characters, or the titillation?

I wouldn't usually read eroticism, except by accident, but here's my first reaction.

The only thing that I found kept detracting from the arousing effect was Laura's rather bossy interjections, and to a lesser extent John's comments. Quite honestly (forgive me for this) I wished they'd both shut up. They seemed to interrupt the flow somehow, and I found them off-putting. Perhaps though, the storyline needs Laura to behave in this way, perhaps others will find this adds to their pleasure.

Some may see this as porn, but in the context and as long as it's a necessary part of the story I think it's fine. Glad too that there were no oysters involved!

I think you did a pretty good job of walking the tightrope here - I don't think it's offensive in context (see above), and there's no gratuitous violence involved.

Now let's see what the guys think!

Best, Nell.

Ralph at 14:41 on 04 July 2003  Report this post
Hey Stephanie
I thought this was a superb opening chapter. You keep the reader waiting, but I think you have enough hints and plenty of mountinhg tension (oh, here we go again...sorry about the double entendre, everybody's at it aren't they....) to keep the interest going.
I didn't find the characters' interjections during sex to distracting, apart from Laura's "don't have to paint a picture for you..." maybe - that one jarred me a little from the flow of it.
I was curious as to Laura and Maddy's previous relationship (maybe just because this is where my interests happen to lie...oh, not again!). If you backtrack a little later on I think it works, but if it's not going to be explained I think it's leaves a bit too much mystery...
Just a couple of technical points. The first time you refer to Laura's genital area it's "her sex"... maybe it's just me. I know there's a severe lack of synonyms for this area, but that's one that really leaves me cold. The other is "the instantaneous reaction....her nipples springing to immediate attention" - I'm not sure you need both the adjectives here. I think one on it's own might continue what is otherwise a very beautiful flow your writing follows.
I hope this helps a little. I'm seriously impressed by this ....
Huggs
Ralph

Ralph at 14:43 on 04 July 2003  Report this post
Oh no - sorry, one more thing. I felt a little bit sorry for John...or is it true that men find foreplay less important??? Really not an expert :-/ (Blush)

Nell at 17:34 on 04 July 2003  Report this post
Ralph - please come out from behind your name and stop being a tease!

stephanieE at 12:35 on 05 July 2003  Report this post
Thanks Nell and Ralph for your comments - always useful to have alternative views.

Perhaps I should have explained that this is actually chapter twelve of the novel - so, yes, Maddy and Laura have 'previous' shall we say. (I'm not convinced that I've succeeded in writing a lesbian love scene convincingly, so that chapter needs more work before it gets aired anywhere). The novel describes Maddy coming to terms with her strong sex-drive, and the reconciliation of sex with relationships - something she struggles to do.

Nell - less talk more action? Mmm - in the context of Maddy being initiated into this threesome, I felt that she would probably need direction, but I will review the dialogue and see if it can be trimmed.

Ralph - names for female genitalia - it's a tricky one. I have agonsied over terminology, because so many words are just downright unpleasant (vagina must simply be one of the ugliest collection of letters in the language) and some don't translate internationally. (There's a great website that gives 147 different names for female genitalia, nearly all of them derogatory...). Actually, breasts is even more difficult (tits? melons? chest? bristols? baps?) and knickers too (Americans don't recognise knickers, so the accepted word is panties - ugh!). Sorry, perhaps more information than you needed. But I take your point and will see what I can do.

And as for John, well, in my experience, most men find foreplay an annoying delay to the main event (although fortunately not all men) and John's a fairly quiet character, so I think he'd probably just happily smile and get on with it...

Anyway, thanks for your comments, and glad to hear that I nearly managed to walk the tightrope...

Ralph at 12:51 on 05 July 2003  Report this post
As far as lesbian love scenes go, I don't know many examples of people getting that right, but the parts with Laura and Maddy here were perfect - it's not the main focus so you're right not to dwell on it too much, and you have a nice balance between this and John's presence which keeps it all together.
I'm guessing you've got your research covered, but if you need any examples of lesbian erotica or anything let me know what you're looking for and I'll see if I can find anything in the library :)
OK Nell. Sorry if this confused any one... I am a girl.

Huggs
Ralph

Nell at 15:54 on 05 July 2003  Report this post
Stephanie,

I think there was probably quite enough action - I just meant that for me the dialogue intruded somewhat...

And I said that you'd done a pretty good job of walking the tightrope - not that you'd fallen off...

As for the authenticity of the lesbian love scenes - I've no idea, but does it matter?

And Ralph, glad that's all straight then!

Becca at 19:30 on 05 July 2003  Report this post
Steph, I wondered why Maddy wouldn't know Peter was a watcher not a doer. But perhaps that comes clear elsewhere. I think this looks carefully and well constructed, and doesn't read like porn because it moves on and there aren't any overt use of adjectives to get the message across. Not that I've read porn, but imagine it to be written in a slightly out of control way. Have you read any porn? One typo maybe: 'only to ready to comply.' Good luck with this. What did you think of the interview with the writer of erotic works?

bluesky3d at 10:40 on 06 July 2003  Report this post
hi Steph,

Nell thought I should comment on this, so I have donned my Sunday Sport editor's cap.

It was great fun, and well written, thank you for posting this and it was refreshing to have something light-hearted.

I found it mildly erotic, however the main problem is that my critical writers eye has been so finely tuned by being on this web site for four weeks, that every minor thing in writing style now jumps out at me immediately I read it, and it stops me from enjoying the pure eroticism of it all. SO I blame Writewords for this and totally spolling my erotic pleasure!

However, it is true that erotic writing needs extremely careful use of words so as not to let the fantasy be adversely affected by stray images.

As we are both 'new' to writing, in as much as our careers were or are elsewhere, so I feel I may point out some things which I have learnt, mostly because others have pointed them out on here with regard to other people's writing (or my own) at various times.

Some phrases you might like to think about...

'playing tennis with a succession of charming, perfectly dentured friends,'
(sounds like people with false teeth?)

'accompanied by the best of Peter’s cellars'.
(sounds like accompanied by the best of Peter Sellars singing a song?)

'It was incredibly erotic having two such experienced lovers lavish this attention on her,'
(do you need to mention of the word 'erotic'? is it erotic to mention the word? maybe that one is just me?)

'He nodded towards the outsize mirror. Maddy could make out a square of light within the mirror, and was confused until she registered that this was a door – and the door allowed enough light into the narrow room behind the mirror to show the outline of a tripod-mounted camera…'
(mentions mirror three times in same sentence?)

'Maddy obediently kneaded Laura’s breasts,' (sounds like making bread?)

“Mmm. Wonder what that was about?” Maddy wondered, before reaching once more for her book. (wonder and wondered)

Maddy leant her head back against the side of the pool, and reached for Laura’s trim figure, remembering her heavy breasts and surprising strength. (would she have forgotten her breasts while she was there in the pool?)

'the two heads bent so industriously over her chest,' (conjours up image of industry and factories?)

These are small points I know as all in all it was full of vitality and fun, and I am looking forward to reading more in due course.


Andrew :o)



Sarah at 13:37 on 07 July 2003  Report this post
Hi Stepahnie....

Oh my... sitting at work, blushing slightly. I too am not a reader of erotica, but that was fun to read..

Becasue it's been brought up, I'll bring it up again: the intrasex dialogue of Laura. I liked it because while it did jar, it made the scene more authentic. Because sex is not this perfect flowing soft event, it's okay that Laura talks a little. It does take away from the 'mood' a little, but you would expect Maddy's first(?) threesome to be slightly jarring.

It was hard for me to put these people in a place, and age them, but when I realised this was chapter 12... I'm sure it's established somewhere else.

A few small things:
"I just popped round" A Canadian would say: "I just came over"

Also, at the pool at the beginning with John and he touches her leg, and she wonders what that was all about.... it's pretty obvious what that's all about, non? Perhaps she is very naive?

High street... where are they? Not in the States... no high street in the States.

stephanieE at 15:00 on 07 July 2003  Report this post
Becca, Andrew and Sarah
Thanks for taking the time to read this... particularly if you read it at work and were squirmingly aware of everyone passing and hoping they didn't stop to ask what you were up to!

All your comments are totally valid - I have to confess that I too felt that 'perfectly dentured friends' sounded rather odd, but it was what struck me most when I spent some time in the States: everyone has completely unrealistically perfect and white teeth. (Maybe I'm just jealous)

Thanks for picking up the transatlantic misnomers too - I need this sort of editor's eye to avoid dropping clangers.

Maddy is around 30, and yes, all their ages are made clear elsewhere.

I am re-assured that no-one has come back with 'bleeuurrgghh!' type comments - it's really tricky to know if the balance has been struck between sufficient graphic description to conjure up titillating images in the readers mind, and downright anatomical essays complete with squelchy noises (!!)

ANd yes, I did enjoy reading the interview with 'MS Valentine' although she scared me slightly with her fierce and single-minded determination to get herself publsihed. I guess that's what it takes these days...

These comments will really help as I try and knock the manuscript into shape - I have, rather excitingly, had a publisher express an interest in publication, so I'm aiming to submit the whole thing by the end of the month. Eeeeeek! can't decide whether to be pleased or terrified - perhaps a judicious mixture of the two.

Cheers - if you're prepared to do it, I could post another chapter...


Becca at 23:20 on 07 July 2003  Report this post
Congrats Steph, fingers all crossed, (that way they can't stray). I thought MS Valentine a tad 'scratchy' too.

Nell at 17:06 on 09 July 2003  Report this post
Stephanie,

Do post another chapter - maybe an early one so that we can get a little background on these characters.

And fingers and toes all crossed for you and the book!

stephanieE at 13:50 on 25 July 2003  Report this post
Just picking up all these comments as I do a final edit on my manuscript... Um... I'd like to post another chapter too if I can and then when I've finally sent the thing off, I'll post the synopsis and you can tell me whether you think the story is a complete no-hoper or not. Thanks for all the really constructive stuff that you've given me here.

starsailor at 13:21 on 02 August 2003  Report this post
Steph

I can only say, that as a man, I enjoyed it as well.

It would be very interesting to see where the story goes. As you said it would be a story with sex in it, rather than a collection of 'set-pieces', so it would be good to see how that developed, and affected the other parts of the story, and how the characters and relationships developed throughout the length of the story.

Also, it's true that men can't write erotica, I wouldn't have the first clue of how to start. I think that women can emphasise more.

Andy



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