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Something Caught My Eye.
Posted: 09 March 2005
Word Count: 61
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Strands of meaningless threads
Hang loosely in the wind
The clouds have been replaced
By rootless weeping willows.
Twisting, I unzip myself
Released from a story
Like a snake, I slither to
Meditate on my aloneness.
I see leaves floating on the sea
Orphaned children sent to a myth
That is a chimerical truth
Like the rumbles from the core unseen
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 10:25 on 09 March 2005
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Hi Laura. Fantastic images; I love the first stanza and also
'I slither to
Meditate on my aloneness'.
Tell me why you have chosen 'the core unseen' rather than 'the unseen core'. Just interested!
I enjoyed the read.
joanie
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 poemsgalore at 18:16 on 09 March 2005
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I too liked this, but wondered could 'solitude' sound better than 'aloneness' or does it lose something by changing it?
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seanfarragher at 18:42 on 09 March 2005
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aloneness.
That one word does not flow in this poem that is beautiful and intense. Find another word for aloneness.
this poem is less complicated than others I have read, but it is not simple. Complexity is found in the layers of words the images imply. You don't need fifty images when a few work well.
This poem has resonance. The map of resonance is one means way to hold a poem together and give that holism a space to draw the reader to your words.
I just joined the poetry seminar. You can find some of my work there as well.
Looking forward to the letter
Sean
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joanie at 18:44 on 09 March 2005
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Solitude sounds to me to be a chosen state, as opposed to aloneness, which is something you can't help. Just a personal thing, I'm sure; it's just a feeling.
joanie
<Added>
Sean, you and I were posting at the same time. I hadn't read your comment about 'aloneness' when I wrote mine!
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Beanie Baby at 21:35 on 09 March 2005
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Hi Laura.
I'm with the others on 'aloneness' which sounds clumsy and unworthy. Having said that, though, I can see why it would be quite difficult to substitute it with another word. My thesaurus isn't much help; it doesn't feature 'aloneness' only 'alone' and it doesn't come up with any appropriate substitutes for 'solitude' either, I'm afraid!
I do like the poem though. My favourite line is 'Twisting, I unzip myself' - absolutely brilliant.
Thank you for anothger lovely read.
Beanie x
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seanfarragher at 22:22 on 09 March 2005
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You need an image not a word to replace aloneness
"bare skin" would work
but you can come up with something better
Sean
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seanfarragher at 22:22 on 09 March 2005
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You need an image not a word to replace aloneness
"bare skin" would work
but you can come up with something better
Sean
<Added>
You might try reading it to yourself without the word "unseen" at the end. This is the kind of stuff I like in a workshop when people are tuned into the other as these folks are -- being supportive is good.
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laurafraser at 23:06 on 09 March 2005
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god thank-you all of yyou for your fabulous comments, you really all have made great efforts to help me im porove this poem and i am very touched.
Joanie, poemsgalore Sean and Benie re the word aloneness yes i am aware that it sounds at odds with the rest of the poem but i wanted that. I think that sometimes being alone can be a very unnatural feeling with silence clanging around you. Joanie by using the wod aloneness i was neither referring to a chosen or unchosen state, simply that we are all alone, just as we are never alone because of the people all around us. I think that a persons emotions can never be fully transcribed accurately and so therefore o "meditate on aloneness" is a beautiful thing because for me it is a fundamental truth, in that for me i believe that all attatchment, (material and personal) comes as aresult of the concepts of the mind. Nothing or no one is attatched to anyone. Nothing or no one belongs to another...
Sean i am thank-you for suggestion but i am not sure "bare skin" correlates to what i am trying to say.
Really a big thank-yo to you all,
XLAura
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seanfarragher at 01:20 on 10 March 2005
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I wasn't suggesting that you use "bare skin" but an image. I love the poem. You build it as you hear it. Great work.
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Souchong at 15:05 on 13 March 2005
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liked this a lot laura. sorry not to have commented on stuff for a while. overly busy, alas.
i too honed in on
'Twisting, I unzip myself
Released from a story'
life as a narrative/story/myth. powerful theme. beautiful imagery.
i like 'aloneness'. it has a different meaning and feel from solitude. it also has a freshness which solitude sometimes lacks. nice to be given different perspectives and ideas though, isnt it. goodies to play with. i also think you could play with the ending, if you wanted. take words out. see if you like it. put 'em back. go minimalist. go maximalist. is lovely, fun part of creative process.
enjoy.
souchong
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