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On a predatory tip

by lexi2807 

Posted: 07 March 2005
Word Count: 63
Summary: Jago is my son, my own little weapon of mass destruction!
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At my godly command from the top of the stairs he stops,
And looks.
Fear in his eyes, poised for the kill.
Will he pounce I wonder?

The seconds are hours as I wait.

He is weighing up his options I think.

He moves now like a cat as I leap to save my mobile from a fate worse than water damage: Jago.






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Comments by other Members



paul53 [for I am he] at 23:37 on 07 March 2005  Report this post
Welcome to WriteWords. There is good observation in this poem, and some fine choices of phrase.
Very brave requesting "Go on! I can take it!" but perhaps you are bold enough to want honest criticism to hone your craft. If so, this is the right place.
Finer points?
"Will he pounce?" seems enough;
"He is weighing his options." also.
Do not be afraid to be concise. Poetry is about choosing each word.
Please upload more, and if you can afford it, join full-time.
Best of luck.
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joanie at 18:44 on 08 March 2005  Report this post
Hi lexi. Welcome to WW. I know the feeling of this one! I like 'weighing up his options'. A very clear picture painted in a few words.

Write on!

joanie
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poemsgalore at 19:03 on 08 March 2005  Report this post
Hi Lexi

I enjoyed this, and liked the way you made Jago sound like a hunter stalking his prey. A well observed piece.
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roovacrag at 22:27 on 08 March 2005  Report this post
Lexi welcome to WW.
G lad you put go on I can take it.
Shows guts and not afaraid of the response.

I enjoyed this,anyone with children or grandchildren can see the dilemma about to erupt.
Well visualised.

Well done.

xx Alice
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lexi2807 at 07:11 on 09 March 2005  Report this post
Thank you all for your comments, I will certainly try to become a full member, this seems to be a good, supportive community.
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