Login   Sign Up 



 

Fangle and Dink Wait Up for Santa

by Jabulani 

Posted: 03 July 2003
Word Count: 296
Summary: I have been brewing an idea of a series of stories about an adventurous hamster...inspired by our own which has managed to escape his cage and go on the rampage regardless of what obstacles we put in his way. Here is my first go at an opener....aimed at 4-7 year olds.....will need good illustration


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


“Fangle…what is the one thing in all the world you would like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

“Dunno Dink. I didn’t know he brought presents for the likes of us; I mean hamsters and cats and all.”

Dink was a hamster with big ideas that sometimes got him into a lot of trouble. And Fangle was his best friend in all the world. The fact that Fangle was a cat did not worry Dink. He could tell right from the start that this was a cat with a warm heart. Sure enough, Fangle was a friend you could trust. A friend who always knew the right thing to say. And when Dink’s plans did not go quite the way he expected, Fangle was always there to make things right again.

Dink stared out the window blinking at the stars.
“If Santa did remember us though, what would you wish for?”

“Well now that’s a big question. I’d have to think about that. After all what do you give the cat who has everything? What would you ask for Dink?”

“Ah well, now that’s easy! I have already written to Santa and have told him there is only one little thing that I’d like for Christmas and that, my dear Fangle, is for you and I to take a ride in Santa’s sleigh.”

For a moment Fangle let this idea settle in his head and then with a sudden expression of both shock and delight he whistled
“ Blimey!”

“ Well of course I don’t know if he will or not. He’s too busy to write back. But don’t worry I’ve got a plan.”

Fangle and Dink drew closer and the little hamster hurried through the basic steps of what was to happen that very night.






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



Naomi at 21:11 on 03 July 2003  Report this post
I think this is a lovely start, as right from the first line there is something for the kids to identify with. This is because every kid will be thinking about what they would like for Christmas. However, for this age group, I would suggest clarifying who the characters are right at the beginning, with something like, 'Dink the adventurous hamster grinned and said...'
I think the line “If Santa did remember us though, what would you wish for?” could be expressed in a more straighforward way.
But these are details. The pace is lovely and kids (and me) will want to read more!

Jabulani at 22:42 on 03 July 2003  Report this post
Thank you so much....will look at it again with your suggestions and will now eagerly take the story forward.
Laura.

Anj at 19:41 on 06 July 2003  Report this post
I got an instant sense of the characters from the very start. Something about their dialogue - you drew them very clearly with very few words. I thought the third paragraph could be simplified a bit. And, sorry, I was a bit disappointed that they wanted a ride in Santa's sleigh - must just be me. Perhaps I've forgotten what it's like to be a child. But I loved the pace, you seemed to drop us at the very moment a real adventure was beginning.

Regards
Andrea

ChrisCharlton at 22:45 on 21 July 2003  Report this post
My daughter (7 years old) would love to read this - just up her street.

I liked the pace, though I thought some of the language might be a bit difficult for her - my daughter that is - I agree with Naomi's comment on the sentence with 'though', and would also wonder whether m daughter would understand 'blimey'. But what do I know?

Chris



scriptsplayed at 15:06 on 10 January 2004  Report this post
Lovely little story. I can imagine it being made into one of those cartoons or one of those plasticine models - for Children's daytime telly.

I'd like to comment on it in my usual 5 step feedback:

1. Premise: it is immediately clear what your purpose is with this story and, secondly, the friendship between the two animals (a relationship between these two small beasts is normally to be feared!) is heartwarming.

2. Structure: Because the story made me inquisitive, I was led into the tale and wanted to know more. You revealed it in a tender and easy manner way that children should be able relate to.

3. Characters: as I said above, the two characters in this tale are comfortable and loveable and I'd like to see further adventures for them.

4. Dialogue: you defined them pretty well, although I do think they need different mannerisms - i.e. the hamster should give the impression of speaking very fast and the cat should speak in a lazy way (which is in their nature). The thought of Frodo and Sam came to mind as I was reading.

5. Practical Considerations: you say you have this as an idea for a series of picture story books - have you thought about possibly sending it to CBBC in script format? Or approached some animation companies? I draw and paint pets (and I've done a couple of cats and a hampster!), so I can picture the characters in this vein.

I hope this helps in some small way and look forward to seeing it progress.
K


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .