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Ogden Messiah Synopsis/outline

by hopson67 

Posted: 01 March 2005
Word Count: 263


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Discrimination, bank-robbery, hitchhiking, and false divinity . . .



What appears at first to be a chance meeting between Jackson and an elderly professor develops into a very close relationship. Jackson, who is an analyst with
the F.B.I., experiences violence and fierce opposition on the road, during a vacation intended to be from Seattle, Washington to the end of State Highway 1,
Florida.

The two are driven together by circumstance, shared ideals and mutual respect, but their initial antipathy and entirely disparate lives create disharmony. Caught
in a brutal attack, Jackson is saved, and owes his life to Professor Jeremiah T. Brown.

By gaining the professor's confidence, Jackson discovers
a plan to redistribute a huge amount of government
funds, and his appreciation of the professor clashed
with his profession as a researcher for the F.B.I.
Meanwhile the Western Division Assistant Director at
the Seattle F.B.I. Headquarters, Mathew Fay, as a
break from his usual professional role, has taken on
the task of investigating the professor and his
strange behavior, in particular the fact that he holds up banks.

With the help of a computer hacker named Christopher
Williams III and a bureaucrat named Chance Harnisch
the professor comes close to carrying out his fantastic
plans. Things begin to unravel when the bank
holdup to cover the seed capital to pay a bribe goes
badly wrong. The F.B.I. skilfully manages to
substitute a fake virus., so that the main redistribution
of government funds will not go ahead. All is
not lost, however, and the final denouement is a
satisfying resolution to this amazing story.







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Comments by other Members



Dee at 19:27 on 01 March 2005  Report this post
Hi, Hopson, nice to see you back.

Didn’t you post a synopsis a few weeks ago? It had more detail than this, didn’t it?

What appears at first to be a chance meeting between Jackson and an elderly professor develops into a very close relationship.

This feels like we’re jumping in part-way through. My first reaction was ‘who is Jackson?’

Jackson, who is an analyst with the F.B.I., experiences violence and fierce opposition on the road, during a vacation intended to be from Seattle, Washington to the end of State Highway 1, Florida.

This sentence doesn’t make sense. OK, Jackson is an analyst with the F.B.I. (does he have a first name?)… I would have put that into the first sentence – and the professor’s name…

Jackson is an analyst with the F.B.I. What appears at first to be a chance meeting with the elderly professor Jeremiah T. Brown, develops into a very close relationship.

The rest of the sentence… a vacation intended to be from Seattle, Washington to the end of State Highway 1, Florida … I get the feeling you’ve cut something out and not replaced it.

All is not lost, however, and the final denouement is a satisfying resolution to this amazing story.

You have to say what the denouement and the resolution are. Spell it out. A synopsis should give the salient points of the story, including the way it wraps up at the end. The purpose is not to intrigue, but to show that you can pull it all together at the end. And don’t say it’s an amazing story. That sounds like you’re selling your work. Yes, I know you are… but it should speak for itself. A synopsis is simply a tool to show the agent/publisher that you have worked out the plot to a satisfying conclusion.

If I were you, I’d weave the two versions together. They both have good bits. Pick them out and combine them.

Hope this helps.

Dee


tom at 17:51 on 02 March 2005  Report this post
Hopson

I agree with what Dee has written. It's really important not to fall into the trap of trying to sell the book through promotion rather than just laying the story out.

All is not lost, however, and the final denouement is a satisfying resolution to this amazing story

It may be amazing and the finale may be satisfying but the publisher will need to see that - the craft of thriller writing is the provision of a satifying ending. Where writing is 'show not tell' I suspect synopsis are all 'tell'.

Cheers
Tom

Harry at 10:10 on 03 March 2005  Report this post
Hi Hobson.

It sounds like a great read, but I agree with Dee and Tom on the technical points.

Have you sent this out yet?

Best of luck with it.

Harry

Eussie at 01:29 on 05 March 2005  Report this post
Discrimination, bank-robbery, hitchhiking, and false divinity . . .

What kind of discrimination? I think I would like this sentence better with Bank-robbery, hitchhiking, and false divinity . . .



Sue H at 00:00 on 12 March 2005  Report this post
Like the others, I think this needs more detail. I certainly want to know more! You start with discrimination and false divinity but don't tell us what they are. It's such an intriguing start that I think you need to make sure it's all followed through. I want to know the satisfying resolution please. Sounds really interesting.

Sue

Mojo at 17:47 on 12 March 2005  Report this post
I have to admit that I was thoroughly confused by this, and if I was an agent or publisher it wouldn't give me much idea about what's going on. As has been said before, it does read more like a selling pitch than an explanatory outline. Perhaps you could introduce your two main characters - who they are and what they do, and then say what's going to happen to them. And as Dee points out, you really can't tease in a synopsis; you have no option but to give away the ending.

Julie

bigAL at 10:31 on 14 March 2005  Report this post
Hi,

Err I agree with everyone but I don't like to be influenced so I printed it off and now there's more ink than print on the page. I basically re-structured most of the sentences and re-puncated the whole thing.

And in summary...
Whilst this is an excellent idea, primarily focussing on 2 friends which always allows a very deep, involving story, I do have some concerns.
Many of the sentences are overly complex and would (in my opinion) be much clearer and stronger if simplified into single sentences. A few comound sentences are fine but this many was a little much for me.

If my criticisms are unhelpful, I will send you the rewritten version that it currently handwritten.

And if there is another version of this, I will happily read it and see if I can help. Don't lose faith. My synopsis is up and is also in the early stages. The first part is getting the main ideas down and you've done that well.

Good luck,
bigAL


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