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A country lane
Posted: 28 February 2005
Word Count: 113
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As I rode down a narrow lane
with steep green sides of grass and bane,
canopies of laced green leaf
shaded all that lie beneath,
a sudden glimpse of something that
went to ground under the mat
of bramble, nettle and prickly gorse,
not the place for man nor horse.
No animal can flit this quick
can only be a country trick,
then red and brown it dropped to ground
wing tips square and body strong
it didn’t have a gentle song.
To activate this motivation,
came within from consternation
for the sight of movement low
instigated hatred, no!
a need to feed inherent to
a bird on high that likes the shrew.
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Comments by other Members
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 Hamburger Yogi & PBW at 05:21 on 01 March 2005
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A classical feel to this poem with a pastoral feel and a ponderous mood.
The metre was fine but some word choices bothered me. 'Lie' or 'lay'? crossed my mind. Also 'takes' for 'likes the shrew' seemed better.
Hamburger Yogi
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poemsgalore at 18:16 on 01 March 2005
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I too enjoyed the way this swept me along, just like a bird swooping down and taking me away as its prey. Loved the
steep green sides of grass and bane,
canopies of laced green leaf |
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Montog at 12:25 on 02 March 2005
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Thanks for the comments, I originally had takes the shrew and changed it to compliment the earlier mention of 'hatred'.Montog
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Don Gorgon at 23:45 on 02 March 2005
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I like this Montag. It definitely gave me the feel of 'a country lane' and I like country lanes. Nice works.
Thanks
Don
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Account Closed at 11:07 on 04 March 2005
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Shades of John Clare - very Romantic (in the genre sense)! I would be tempted to form stanzas though and also make a few grammar changes - how about:
"As I rode down a narrow lane
with steep green sides of grass and bane,
canopies of laced green leaf
shaded all that lies beneath,
a sudden glimpse of something that
went to ground under the mat (I'm not sure about the "that/mat" rhyme here, as it seems rather too modern and out of place with the rest of the vocabulary ...)
of bramble, nettle and prickly gorse,
not the place for man nor horse.
No animal can flit this quick
can only be a country trick, (I'd be tempted to remove the 1st 2 lines of this stanza and replace them with one line with an end word that rhymes with "ground" and then the 4 lines would be in keeping with the rest of the piece - apart from the proposed end two lines)
then red and brown it dropped to ground
wing tips square and body strong
it didn’t have a gentle song.
To activate this motivation,
came within from consternation
for the sight of movement low (you may need to be careful here as the word order is rather archaic - ie it should be "low movement")
instigated hatred, no!
a need to feed inherent to
a bird on high that likes the shrew."
I really like the nature feel here, as I've said, but I wasn't quite sure what the message was in the last 2 lines? No doubt this is my ignorance of nature!
Very thought-provoking stuff!
LoL
A
xxx
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Ticonderoga at 14:34 on 05 March 2005
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Agree with Holly - strong suggestion of Clare, but I also got a whiff of Walter De La Mare, and would have liked the piece to continue, and remain, in a slightly more mysterious vein with the actual nature of the creature in question remaining unrevealed. But that's just me! Fine piece.
Best,
Mike
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Montog at 13:18 on 09 March 2005
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Wow, great comments HollyB and Mike, I will take on board what you said as I pen the next verse and will also do some research into John Clare as I am not aware of his works.
As for the nature feel I think Its all about instinct as with any wild animal, they don't think about what they do, just naturally react within their environment and when their hungry they have to eat.
Cheers
Montog
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