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On looking up to the heavens
Posted: 27 February 2005
Word Count: 67
Summary: An exercise on Poetry Seminar. I couldn't resist keeping to the restriction of the number of letters. I have counted spaces as a letter.
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Watching stars
on a dark ice evening;
diamond
carats
sit
suspended.
I am engulfed
in His magnificence.
Light
year
moments flit across my
mind, obliterating things
which daylight wants to show.
Dissolved in white glow,
illumination
soaks in
until my body shines with
celestial ore,
golden
tanned
gilt.
Remember
these evenings
when clouds may mar
all heaven's striving
to share its
beauty. I can sing with stars.
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Comments by other Members
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 Nell at 08:22 on 28 February 2005
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Hi joanie,
You must love restrictions to impose them when they're not asked for! Loved ...dark ice evening... ...Light year moments flit across my mind... ...I can sing with stars... the last so much more powerful than ...I can sing with the stars... Two small things - lie suspended felt oxymoronic and stopped me reading for a moment, and 'gilt' has the suggestion of superficiality and deception, being a a micro-thin layer of gold over silver. See what you think.
Nell.
<Added>
<Added>
Just to fix those italics.
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 joanie at 08:48 on 28 February 2005
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Thanks Nell. I have changed 'lie suspended' and am still working on the 'gilt'. I agree with you.
I'm still searching for a way to do it within the numbers of letters - I can't help it!
joanie
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 Mac AM at 09:11 on 28 February 2005
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Wow Joanie - hasn't this exercise produced some stunning work? I think having to work to such a strict format has produced a very good poem here - stripped of all the padding that one is often tmepted to put in.
If I had to change anything, I would possibly change mind to sky, so that light year moments flit across the sky. To my mind, it makes the moment more though provoking and focuses on hte sky, though of course that plays havoc with your ideas of the daytime worries and thoughts.
I enjoyed doing this execise - dis you?
Mac
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jewelsx at 16:48 on 08 March 2005
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I loved the first stanza, the whole poem was beautifully done.
jewelsx
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seanfarragher at 06:19 on 17 March 2005
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Radiance and explulsion of light. I felt the light as a tangible, physical phenomenon. You were there in that energy radiating every image. I wish the last stanza had the force of the first two, but this is an exercise, and what I want to say: risk taken; risk has a way of showing us the other side.
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