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Blowin` In The Wind.

by laurafraser 

Posted: 23 February 2005
Word Count: 81
Summary: You can't be serious...

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Monogamy can sometimes make one quite sore,
Though best not reveal that to your lover du jour.
Instead smile and batter your eyelashes
Look demure, passive, like a thief about to steal a whole load of cashes
And know that tomorrow might bring a whole lot o’sorrow
Oh un-knot that furrow!
And no I am not joking,
Nor do I enjoy smoking
Instead like the wind with the leaves
I get a little peeved
If I’m only allowed to blow one.

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Comments by other Members

Ticonderoga at 14:33 on 24 February 2005  Report this post
Like this a lot; though I'd remove 'appear to' from the first line and 'it's' and 'to' on either side of 'best not' in line two. While that will change the meaning slightly, I just think it'll make the beginning a bit pithier and drag the reader straight in. Fine, darkly funny poem.



Beanie Baby at 14:59 on 24 February 2005  Report this post
Hi Laura.

I agree with Mike on the first couple of lines. 'Cashes'? Not sure about that - though I appreciate it helps the rhyme with 'lashes'. 'Tomorrow' 'Sorrow' and 'Furrow'? Not sure about that either - I'd be inclined to leave out the 'furrow' line because I think it spoils the flow a bit. Having said all that I really like it; it made me smile. Nice piece of work.

seanfarragher at 17:57 on 24 February 2005  Report this post
Hey I like this. Don't hold back. Let the reader have it between the eyes. The last line tells it all, but tease more before it, as you know, a tease can make the outcome more fluid and vastly more exciting. I love the voice of the poem. I really just want more.

Hamburger Yogi & PBW at 07:17 on 25 February 2005  Report this post
For me it works okay, mostly. Because of intertextuality (the relation of one poem to another with an author) I am not sure how to interpret 'only allowed to blow one'. (Perhaps I should not try!)

Hamburger Yogi

laurafraser at 10:41 on 25 February 2005  Report this post
Thank-you everybody for your comments and for reading:

Mike thanks for the tip-have applied them to poem and thank-you for making this poem 'pithier' (which i think it does).

Beanie, glad to make you smile-thats really its own intention, as was in a jovial cheeky mood and sat at my computer with naughtiness runnning in my mind and wanting to write something that might perhaps make someone giggle...thanks for the tip about cashes furrow etc, have conidered what you said but i think they add to the light/slightly mocking tone of poem so have decided to keep them

thanks sean, i agree with you abou the teasing element-in a trather lazy mood today and not able to play with this more in light of your comments but will do so when get chance
glad you like it

Hamburger Yogi-thanks know it has many faultss, but really was written in couple of minutes and never touched it up but might lkater-as enthsed by e/bodies comments as poem seemed so ridiculous to me and so very appreaciative that people have responded

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