The Quiet Secret
Posted: 22 February 2003
Word Count: 76
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Great composers, singers and performers
know the Quiet Secret -
a quietness
so still
that to the breathing
it is inaudible.
When
a room of men and women
hold
their collective breath
to catch
the faint feathers of sound
falling
from the distant podium,
it's simply mystical.
The tender pizzicato;
the sotto voce -
fragile in the vast air.
The hum
of a thousand
afraid, attentive bodies,
stiller than they ever are,
glimpsing nothing from afar.
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Comments by other Members
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 Anna Reynolds at 18:29 on 22 February 2003
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you're a very versatile poet. the fragile, hushed tone of this appeals to me. I think you've also really caught the atmosphere and intensity of the room, the 'collective breath'.... lovely.
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 James Graham at 15:33 on 23 February 2003
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[post lost due to technical error - James if you can rewrite it that would be great! Sorry! WW Webmaster]
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 Agnieszka Ryk at 14:39 on 25 February 2003
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James - you've managed to pick out the two lines I was most unsure about! I had about ten versions of the last line and still find it not quite right. I would however miss the rhyme of the last 2 lines which for me forms a cadence to the poem rather nicely - shall have to find another way round it. And the simply mystical line also struck me as a bit corny - I like your suggestion that the mystery has already been conveyed!
I find it hard to do any rewriting - simplistically I'd like to just knock off the 'It's simple mystical' line and leave an unfinished sentence ('When a room...') I don't like, for example, simply 'A room full of people hold their.. etc) for me that loses some of the 'expectant' atmoshpere. What's your opinion on leaving sentences hanging?
Thanks again
A
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James Graham at 18:41 on 25 February 2003
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Agnieszka - I think 'stiller than they ever are' is so good that if you want to keep the rhyme you should reverse the lines: 'glimpsing nothing from afar/stiller than they ever are'. But instead of 'glimpsing nothing', why not try some alternatives (maybe none of mine are any good) - 'hearing something' or 'hearing....(some other, more striking, two-syllable word)' or 'seeing...' plus either of the above. Or some other phrase, two words with the same rhythm as 'glimpsing something' and keep 'from afar' for the rhyme. Even if this revised line is weaker than 'stiller than they ever are', it won't matter because the strong line comes last.
In the middle of the poem you could have (I think you've nearly settled on this anyway):
When
a room of men and women
catch
the faint feathers of sound
falling
from the distant podium,
tender
pizzicato, sotto voce,
fragile in the vast air.
In this, or something like this, the sentence is left hanging - appropriately because we're not talking about a completed action. The music doesn't lead to a cut-and-dried conclusion such as would be expressed in a 'principal clause'. The poem needn't (shouldn't) make any assertion. The sentence should hang in the air as the music does. The last five lines are grammatically not a sentence at all - again appropriately. The final rhyme counteracts this with a touch of certainty, but not the certainty of an assertion.
'Hum' bothers me a bit. Is it the 'charged' emotions of the audience? The word seems a little banal. It could be left out: 'A thousand/afraid, attentive bodies...' or try to replace 'hum'.
This is just on the point of being a very good poem. Another line I didn't mention last time is 'afraid, attentive bodies'. I won't do a microscopic analysis, but every one of these three words seems to me exactly right.
I hope you'll find some of this helpful. There's sometimes a line to be drawn in how much the group leader, or 'moderator' as they're sometimes called, should dissect a poem, and to what extent they should suggest alternative lines etc. I hope I haven't taken it too far.
Good wishes
James.
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Agnieszka Ryk at 12:32 on 09 March 2003
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Hi James
Don't worry, I love dissection! With your comments, I feel like I'm really learning some finer points of poetry - quite excellent!
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Agnieszka Ryk at 16:06 on 09 March 2003
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It's very difficult!!
I've made another attempt - on the whole I can't beat your suggestions I'm afraid! I struggled like mad to replace 'glimpsing nothing', but in the end just had to leave it out. I think what I have now is better, but still lacks something - perhaps a few more lines. Maybe in the next version... anyway, here it is:
The Quiet Secret
Great composers, singers and performers
know the Quiet Secret -
a quietness
so still
that to the breathing
it is inaudible.
When
a room of men and women
catch
the faint feathers of sound
falling
from the distant podium,
tender
pizzicato, sotto voce,
fragile in the vast air.
A thousand
afraid, attentive bodies,
stiller than they ever are.
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James Graham at 19:52 on 11 March 2003
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This is v.g. At first I agreed with you that there was still something missing, but coming back to the poem later and just reading it quickly through, I feel it works just as it is. Possibly you could still try out another second-last line, suggesting the audience are receiving a message/a confirmation/ reassurance/ secret word/ magic word/ response to their willing attention, etc. Just a hint of something like this in one line, rhyming with 'are'. Have you a rhyming dictionary? If not, there's probably one on the internet. (That is, if you need one at all!) If you needed more than one line, still let only the second last and last lines rhyme. Even so, after all that, I do think the poem stands as it is. Maybe what you should do now is leave it for a bit and come back to it. (I do this all the time because I often find it hard to revise right away.) Re-reading your own work after a few weeks, it sometimes hits you right away: either 'This is fine' or 'I think I know what it needs'.
All the best
James.
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James Graham at 20:14 on 11 March 2003
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P.S. My suggestions as to a second last line strike me five minutes later as a bit of a challenge! I meant of course only one of those things with the slashes between, but even one - in one line! It could just be anything that hints at what is happening to the audience, so long as it adds something to the poem. If that doesn't work out, let the poem stand as it is.
My last message seems to have got through in quadruplicate! That explains the blank postings - I deleted three of them.
James.
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Adam at 16:30 on 26 March 2003
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I like this. A very hushed, yet somehow enticing poem. It seems to speak volumes through its very silence. I have a poem posted with a similar initial concept: 'the eloquence of silence'. I'd like you to read it and tell me what you think; it's called 'Silent Poetry'. I think I prefer the quietude and structure of your poem and the unnerving silence which pervades it. Well done indeed!
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Hilary Custance at 10:10 on 24 April 2003
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Agniezska, this poem speaks me so directly I find it difficult to look at critically. The fact that I was unaware of the single word lines, tells you how well they are working here. I actually go with the second version because everything that matters is stll there. As I re-read this I am filled with a terrible temptation to tinker with it myself - this is simply because you have created something I identitfy with so closely, that I want to have written it. Cheers, Hilary
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Agnieszka Ryk at 14:13 on 24 April 2003
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Hilary - that's very interesting, thanks! It's great to see it from a whole new angle. I like the idea of not introducing the secret very much. I think it's time to sit back and let a new wave of inspiration for the poem come to me, before I start chiselling some more!
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Sarah at 15:44 on 02 June 2003
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This is a lovely poem. I'm no poet, so I won't analyse. It's soft, breathless, like you want, I think.
Sarah
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