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Why Tick?

by goldenpath 

Posted: 16 February 2005
Word Count: 175
Summary: Hello everyone, new to the group but uploaded this one before but it got lost in the ether, was pleasantly surprised by the feedback, Thanks again Tuppence. It's about a lot of things, but basically about the lies we're fed daily, know it's a bit trite so I'm ready for your bullets, bring it on yeehaa!


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Cloaked and veiled in spiritual flaws
Forced to choose one of many doors
Battlefield games to settle old scores
Stained in fake blood from an unknown cause

Alive in a bubble hermetically sealed
Nurtured on power only half revealed
Sold down the river to drink until healed
Hooked on the line just before it is reeled

Growing so sick of deceit so well kept
Tired of truths never more than half met
Tears for the years of regret on regret
Since start of the race staked the ultimate bet

Physical touches once shunned and reviled
Painted vision on lips enigmatic smile
Worn as the hands flaking dust into piles
From ignorance to wisdom to ultimate style

Revolution of wheels regulated by cogs
Chants towering chorus perforating the fog
Stirred in the soup dark primordial bog
Finally toppled and thrown to the dogs

Liberation from bonds edged with silk trimmed in gold
Prodigal son welcomed back to the fold
Cross-fingered hands behind backs save our souls
Vivid eyes than once shone now dim blacker than coal






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Comments by other Members



paul53 [for I am he] at 15:59 on 26 February 2005  Report this post
A rich poem, full of promise.
I am not sure if you have tried reading it aloud to yourself, but it would benefit greatly from a second draft to help smooth the slightly uneven flow.


Account Closed at 09:27 on 13 March 2005  Report this post
A very rich source of ideas indeed - the 2nd and 3rd stanzas are particularly strong. I might question though whether in fact your rhyme scheme (solid though it is) is actually working against the ideas in the poem - as towards the end, I was so aware of the rhyme that the imagery/ideas were rather lost.

Have you thought of rewriting it by keeping in the wonderful imagery, but removing the rhyme? - just to see what it feels like?

A very interesting piece.

LoL

A
xxx


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