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Homecoming
Posted: 15 February 2005
Word Count: 92
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It was valentine’s day when we planted you in the ground
above the coffin of your sleeping lover
scattered you beneath the roots of a rosebush brought from your garden
it seemed apt.
You’d have enjoyed the joke of the nine of us, shivering
defiant with shovel and bucket, awkward in the laughter of the brittle grey afternoon
conscious that you should not have been there
but knowing it was now the only place for you to be.
Years later I return alone
wonder at the shoots and leaf buds
finally weep.
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Comments by other Members
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 Beanie Baby at 09:07 on 16 February 2005
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This is very moving and obviously comes from the heart. I wonder if perhaps the second line of the second stanza is a little too long? It effects the flow of the poem a little. Having said that, however, I can see that, everything you say in that stanza is vital to it - each line leading nicely into the next. Since the first and second stanzas are four lines and the third one is three lines, it might be as well to throw caution to the wind and make the second stanza five lines; perhaps breaking between 'defiant with shovel and bucket' and 'awkward in the laughter of the brittle grey afternoon'. These are of course only suggestions.
Nice read though, very rhytmnic.
Beanie
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engldolph at 12:54 on 16 February 2005
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Hi Souchong,
Enjoyed the tone and flow of this...
Enigmatic and a bit opaque (perhaps a nit too..perhaps not),
it talks to me of burying someone's ashes ...with their lover, rather than with their family.. a hint of a secret..
buried with a brittle defiance and not true mourning..
but as time passes, and shoots grow ...the real feeling of loss emerges..
the superficial love of valentine's making way for something deeper..
"finally weep" was a perfect last line.
...now tell me what it was really about :-)
Enjoyed
Mike
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 joanie at 16:41 on 16 February 2005
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Hi Souchong. This is very moving and very mysterious. I long to know who. It feels like you have condensed a whole lifetime's story into a few lines. (Very effectively!)
I enjoyed it.
joanie
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Souchong at 21:14 on 20 February 2005
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apologies for not being around this week.
thank you so much for the comments beanie, engl, joanie, laura, yogi. much much appreciated.
length of line in 2nd stanza: i do struggle with lineation. in this case it was actaully kind of deliberate though. for me that line is the fulcrum of the whole poem - poem sort of leads up to it and then away. shape on page etc. i do see that it could read awkwardly however. thanx for getting me to think about it again, beanie.
the poem is deliberately ambiguous - 'opaque' is nice description, engl. thanx. (btw what do you mean by 'nit' - wasnt sure.) is meant to work at different levels and kind of contains two life- stories. spot on, joanie.
the 'conscious that you should not have been there'
refers to the injustice of death, as well as the illicit nature of the relationship. in addition there are regulations which govern the proper disposal of ashes in cemetaries.
in addition to the original loss, there is a secondary loss by the end, when the narrator is alone. maybe has outlived the others, maybe quarrelled, or maybe just drifted apart.
dunno if any of this makes things any clearer? really do appreciate time and trouble taken to read and comment. cheers
souchong
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engldolph at 10:41 on 11 March 2005
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Hi Souch
sorry..."nit" was meant to be "bit"..
i like opaque pieces... but occasionally one or two simple words changes to help guide are needed to bring full effect I think...
Enjoyed re-reading..
best
Mike
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