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The Banjax Interview

by Ian Smith 100 

Posted: 09 February 2005
Word Count: 1106
Summary: Extreme dissatisfaction with public servants. It will spiral out of control.


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Hello.

Hi. Thanks for coming over.

Youíre welcome. I didnít know you lived in this district.

No one does, thatís why I live here.

You rang the Banjax office and spoke to me directly, and
I know you wanted to use this interview to set a few things straight after recent events.

You mean Reeves?

Yes I do. I mean, is this the best way, a music magazine?

You guys understand, and Iím a subscriber, so fire away.

Okay, so here we go, the tapeís running. Ö When did you first know about the special powers? Was it a sudden thing?

It wasnít until my neighbor drilled through the wall one Sunday evening when I was watching the ball game. Made me pretty angry that a man should drill through my wall when the ball game was on. I grabbed the red-hot bit and I held it firm between my fingers. Sent the guy spinning on the end of his own drill. I knew then. A feeling of good power, overwhelming goodness.

But when did first suspect you possessed special powers?

I knew something was different. I was down a lot. The doctors said depression. Shut my eyes and Iíd see disasters. Imagine that? No doctor could help me. This was before Prozac. Those intrusive thoughts were the special powers informing me. Itís not like in the films or comic books. They donít show half of it.

And what happened to Reeves set you back?

You mean the Curse of Superman?

I havenít heard it called that.

Well itís for real. I guess no one will want to play me in the movies now. Maybe thatís for the best. I was growing concerned. People were behaving as though he was me, as if Christopher Reeves, a Hollywood actor was me, which was fine, but being Superman, you know, no one knows what itís like, and I wanted the opportunity to tell people.

Youíre going to tell the world thereís a Kryptonite shortage?

Thatís exactly the kind of nonsense Iím concerned about. Iím just a regular guy with special powers. Thatís all. Thereís no Kryptonite. This isnít make believe.

Are you saying Reeves wasnít helping your image?

He was just a regular guy too. I mean, he might have had the looks. Thatís how people perceive Superman, but how do I look? Do I look like Superman? Be honest.

You look like Homer Simpson.

Okay fella, thatís not honest, thatís a little mean mind you have there. Iím saying Reeves looked the part, thatís all. Having superpowers isnít a rose petal bed. I hit on the twelve stage warning about the superpowers and I wanted someone to listen. Thereís only one Superman, and thatís me.

Okay Superman, fire away.

Well it goes like this: Stage one: Beware of moments of extreme distraction. Early signs. You want to snap out when it happens. Itís a road to mass expectation you can never live up to.

Thatís pretty clear. Letís hear the second stage Superman.

Stage two: Beware of flying dreams. Flying dreams indicate an overactive brain, and thatís unhealthy. If youíre imagining youíre waking close to the ceiling, get some help. It can only lead to long term damage.

Superman, Iíve wanted to ask you this for a long time. Which living person do you admire most?

Santa.

A mythical character?

Come on, youíre not saying you donít believe. Mythical is good. He really delivers and never disappoints, flies unseen, always one step ahead of the game, a contender. Heís achieved the ultimate: a critical audience that never expects too much.

How do you mean?

No one expects him to cover everywhere in one evening. The whole planet? Be serious. And he never does cover the whole planet.

Seems as though you want to have your cake and eat it.

Look, all I ever get is, ĎWhere was Superman? He let us downí Having special powers means Iíve got to use them, but overall, high expectations and any involvement means a huge risk with insurance and compensation. Can you imagine my insurance premiums? I have to work entirely undercover now, with my own people for protection.

Like Tupac?

Thatís a case in point.

Stage three please, Superman.

Stage three: Watch out if youíre always telling the other guy how to drive his car. The next thing is, you will be driving his car, and everyone elseís. Try to steer your own properly. That helps.

Do you have any regrets?

Not calling my lawyers sooner. I allowed them to brand me, comics, Hollywood, the whole outfit, itís gross. I needed space and time for my work to develop, not everyone pointing and saying, ĎIs it a bird? Is it a plane? No, itís Superman, but whereís his underpants?í

Can we have stage four please?

Sure. Stop having ideas youíre being called upon. Understanding messages in the foam in an empty beer glass is a bad sign. Get over it. Leave it to the experts.

Girlfriends?

Letís move on.

Stage five.

Having a face that causes trouble. If domestic disputes, road rage, supermarket fights, all seem to happen as you arrive, thatís bad luck. Thatís not special powers. Donít go there.

Stage six.

Stage six: Small flying experiences in elevators and escalators. These can cause small children to cry and have bad, bad dreams. Stop it, for the kidsí sake.

Could you have stopped it?

My mom, or should I say my creator, she said I should go for the travel market. What help is that? Thatís selling out.

Stage seven please.

Stage seven: Uncontrollable sneezing causing local damage. Itís surprisingly easy to explain. This means youíre well on the way, no turning back.

Would you like to turn back?

I was distracted and downhearted. I was physically shrinking. I had dreams of falling all the time. People barged me off the sidewalk. Getting service was impossible, but I pulled through.

Stage 8 please.

Eight is discovering amazing powers of concentration and then staring at objects until they explode. Donít do it.

And nine.

Stage nine: Gaining sudden, new, important friends. The president calls you. Boy, are you in trouble.

Ten.

Having thoughts about world domination. Donít act on them.

Is that why youíre a recluse?

I went bad, going on the streets picking fights. Thatís not good.

Eleven.

Extreme dissatisfaction with public servants. It will spiral out of control. Try to sort yourself out. Take flying lessons.

The twelve stages, do you want them published?

Oh sure. Print them all please. Itís a warning.

And now, Superman, the final stage please.

Okay ... I guess itís the phallus thing.






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Comments by other Members



bjlangley at 10:12 on 10 February 2005  Report this post
Hi Ian, this made me laugh, the interview style works well for the piece. I think you could have developed the stages a little more, as there's plenty of potential for laughs for them.

You know, they have now cast the new Superman...

All the best,

Ben

Ian Smith 100 at 14:17 on 18 February 2005  Report this post
Hi Ben,

Thanks. If I can think of something funny, the stages will develop. Easier said than done. Doh!

Ian

paul53 [for I am he] at 09:43 on 03 March 2005  Report this post
My time spent ploughing through Random Read is unearthing one little gem after another. Enjoyed this immensely. Well done.

Ian Smith 100 at 16:29 on 16 April 2005  Report this post
Thank you Paul53. I'm putting more on soon. IDS


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