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Broken

by pene 

Posted: 30 June 2003
Word Count: 19
Summary: not sure if this works? would appreciate any comments.


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You came into my life

we loved and laughed

You left...

my crushed heart tight

in your clenched fist.






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Comments by other Members



Lisa at 18:52 on 05 July 2003  Report this post
Loved the first three lines - felt it was taking me somewhere which unfortunately it didn't in the end.

I feel "broken heart" is a little cliche and "anger clenched fist" doesn't entirely work.

But I adore
"You came in to my life
we loved and laughed "

Just my thoughts but perhaps the feelings captured by the last two lines could be summed up differently or perhaps there need just a slight change of phrasing?

Gut reaction there - but I think it's leading to a great, succinct and moving poem.

I'm no expert and I love your other work - please take these comments as just ideas.

Lisa
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pene at 19:02 on 05 July 2003  Report this post
Hi Lisa thanks for your comments and I am glad you enjoy my work. I have tried a little alteration, what do you think?

You came into my life

we loved and laughed

You left...

My crushed heart tight

in your clenched fist.

best wishes Pene
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Lisa at 19:05 on 05 July 2003  Report this post
Wow - that was quick!

Made such a difference - I really like "in your clenched fist" and the alliteration of "loved" Laughed" and "left"

Lisa
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pene at 19:12 on 05 July 2003  Report this post
thanks Lisa I think I may change it now I too like it much better, what team work!!!
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Lisa at 19:19 on 05 July 2003  Report this post
By the way - I think "Land's End" is a wonderful piece of poetry.

Anyone reading this poem should check it out too, on Pene's profile or the Writer's Archive!

Lisa
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pene at 20:57 on 05 July 2003  Report this post
thanks Lisa I wonder if you have also seen Kernow? if you like Cornwall you may like that too.
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fevvers at 00:44 on 31 July 2003  Report this post
What did it used to read like?
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pene at 11:27 on 01 August 2003  Report this post
You came into my life
we loved and laughed
you left
my broken heart
in anger clenched fist
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