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EL CAMINO

by TheGodfather 

Posted: 27 January 2005
Word Count: 146


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He used to hum and humbly drone
and embrace the road
who would slip beneath him
as fast or slow as he pleased.
But now the scratches and dents
on his side panels scar his paint,
and the rust repaints the places
where the dark brown has chipped off
into the knee-high grass around him.
Years ago, he was a traveler,
roaming the Montana roads and Colorado peaks,
back when he'd make sure to stop
on the crest of a butte at evening
with whomever was driving him at the time
to watch the retiring sun
spill across the cool Wyoming hills.
He doesn't travel anymore.
The air has gone from his tires,
and the ruts where his tires rest
in the Iowa dirt comfort him,
and sparrows nest
in the cushions of his back seat
as he waits for the sun to set
on him.






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Comments by other Members



Brian Aird at 10:46 on 28 January 2005  Report this post
This is a great observation piece again as usual. A sympathetic description of an old car in gentle, calm tones; even restrained. Just enough character work to invite us to care, not so much that you needed to tell us how the car felt. That's left for the reader.

I loved the idea of the road passing under the car as fast as it liked and not the other way around. That showed us a lot about the car, without having to spell it out. Nice touch that. But does personifiying the road distract us from the car's character? Perhaps the reverse is true. How about building on the car/road relationship a little more? Just a thought.


I used to walk past a rusting TR7 for years. I imagined it's loving owner unwilling to part with it, in case they got round to fixing it. But it disappered the moment the council waved the collection fee for scrap cars!

But it always seemed like a stubborn icon of a bygone age (and a now defunct marque) to me.

Nice writing.


Brian




crowspark at 22:39 on 28 January 2005  Report this post
I enjoyed this a lot.

Love the easy grace of:

to watch the retiring sun
spill across the cool Wyoming hills.


A great image of the airless tyres and the sparrows nesting in the cushions.


jewelsx at 00:24 on 04 February 2005  Report this post
hi,

first off i love the subject metter. In only a few words you have conveyed such a complete picture.

I thought the poem ended really well because it brings it to a close with a very moving yet peaceful image.

really enjoyed it
jewelsx

gard at 23:48 on 05 February 2005  Report this post
Hi TheGF

I too like the subject matter, the tone and the gentle flow of this piece also the references to places. A very nice piece of work with a romantic flair. Sort of reminds me of hot summer scented evenings (not sure why...)

Would it be better to replace "that" or something instead of "who" in the line
who would slip beneath him


it is just that I almost expected a question when I read this line and had to re-read it to get the context. What do you think? Just a suggestion.

G

TheGodfather at 00:04 on 06 February 2005  Report this post
Gard,

You're actually the first person who mentioned that they noticed the 'who'. It was there on purpose, and I want to keep it there. It is my way of personifying the old car, of giving it characteristics and a journey similar to a man's. What do you think?

TheGodfather

Mr B. at 08:46 on 06 February 2005  Report this post
I liked it - reminded me of Easy Rider!
Just out of interest, why did you choose to make the car masculine? There seems to be a tendency of making them feminine. Of course, that might change the perception of the line
with whomever was driving him at the time
, but I wasn't really going for anything sexual. The idea of a beautiful woman growing older and dealing with it makes a more poignant statement than a man, in my opinion. Let the debate commence! :)

Cheers,

Anthony

TheGodfather at 05:34 on 14 February 2005  Report this post
Mr.B

I was wanting the car to be a masculine. I tried to weave some very sexual language throughout this. People didn't notice it I guess. Maybe upon further readings. Who knows. Thanks for reading.

TheGodfather


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