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The car crash.

by Nelly 

Posted: 24 January 2005
Word Count: 978
Summary: A quick short story about the luck of David Rice.


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The Car Crash.

The Volvo S80 ploughed through the guard-rail and fell fifty feet onto the rocks below.

Its front end crumpled with the force of impact thrusting two-foot of metal back into the car. The windshield imploded, showering the insides with deadly slivers of glass. Both the driving wheel and dashboard compacted into one mangled mess. The rear side passenger door was savagely torn free from its hinges and the front two wheels were sent spinning out into the night.

The metal of the car groaned like the final cry of some wounded beast and it shuddered once then fell slowly onto its side.

After that all was silent for a while.

David Rice knew he was lucky to be alive. The drop alone should have liquefied his insides, it was the equivalent of jumping off a five story building. His chances of survival almost nothing, yet here he was, his face pressed into an airbag, still strapped firmly into the driver’s seat with nothing worse than cuts and scrapes to show from the fall.

David could smell smoke; an oily taste hung in the air. He grappled with the airbag and managed to push it to one side. The car was filling with dark fumes that burnt his throat and caused his eyes to water. David understood his time was limited, the smoke could kill him as surely as the fall. He had to get out.

He wasted precious seconds struggling with the door handle before in his shocked state he realised that the car lay on its side, pinning the door against the ground.

The engine caught fire; small flickers of yellow flame appeared from between the twisted metal.

David scrambled for the other side of the car but something pinned and held him back. His seat belt was still attached. Frantically he searched for the latch.

He began to cough from the smoke inhalation, each lung full now burning at his insides, his eyes were red raw and both streamed uncontrollably as he fumbled with the belt.

A rush of hot air and the fire spread to engulf the roof of the car. At once the heat became intolerable.

The shock of the fall gave way to an almost paralysing fear. To survive the fall only to be burnt alive, David’s mind reeled, he wanted to live!

The seat belt came undone. David kicked himself out from the driver’s seat and into the back, coughing violently as he went. Small drops of fire started to fall through the roof, burning into his face, his hair and his hands.

He started to feel weak and nauseous, he could feel his body beginning to slow. Dimly deep down inside he knew that he was losing consciousness, his brain was starved of oxygen and was in danger of passing out. If he did, he would die.

With a supreme effort of will David lifted himself out of the hole where the passenger door once was and threw himself from the car. There he remained coughing and spluttering until he could draw a single breath and his vision cleared sufficiently.

He wasn’t out of danger yet, if the fire hit the petrol tank the explosion could still snuff out his life. He had to move further away, get out of range from the blast radius.

David struggled back to his feet, but almost immediately was in danger of falling back over. He had to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Small steps were all he could manage.

He had staggered less than five yards when the car exploded. A great ball of orange flame erupted from the vehicle sending fragments of hot metal shooting hundreds of feet into the air. An invisible cushion of heat struck David from behind, filling perfectly the contour of his body, it lifted him effortlessly off the ground and threw him like a rag doll out over the rocks to where he landed sharply on his shoulder and lay still, twisted and broken.

The car continued to burn for a while sending plumes of thick black smoke up into the night, occasionally something would crack or pop like an old man muttering his displeasure at the world.

David really couldn’t believe that he was still alive. He lay exactly where he had fallen, looking up at the cliffs unwilling to move. This was more than luck he decided, this was bloody genius.

His right arm was completely numb and remained bent at a strange angle, he studied its shape beneath the leather of his jacket and noticed an odd lump sticking out at the elbow. His arm was completely broken but he couldn’t feel a thing.

He had no idea what else might be broken, his spine could be damaged, he might have head trauma, undoubtedly he was still in shock and lying out here in the night would be enough to succeed where the fall and the car had failed.

But what would be the chances of somebody else finding him? He would need more than luck he would need a miracle.

The left side of his jacket began to vibrate, then the faint music of Doctor Who floated eerily from out of the pocket. It must be his mobile phone he realised. Somebody was trying to contact him.

David never really believed in God before, there might have been a divine being looking out for him then again there might not. It hadn’t really seemed important.

It was now.

Risking movement David reached down and removed the phone from his pocket, he flipped it open with one practised swing and nervously placed it to his ear.

“Hello?” He whispered.

After a short pause he managed a smile and said. “Hi Mum. Yeah look I’m going to be a little late, you see there’s been an accident…”

END






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Comments by other Members



Jumbo at 14:21 on 24 January 2005  Report this post
Nelly

Nice story for the drivers amongst us!

Couple of typos.

...rear side... Did you mean ...near side...?

...to where he landed sharply on his shoulder and lay still, twisted and broke... Should that be ...broken...?

(Do DB4's have air bags?)

And I wonder if you should cut one of the direct references to God in the final paragraphs. Just a thought,

I like the description of the way in which David's apparent survival turns into panic as the fire takes hold. And the Dr Who ring-tone. Nice touch.

Hope this helps

jumbo



bjlangley at 15:45 on 24 January 2005  Report this post
Nelly, something very strange happened whilst reading this story - when reading the second paragraph that details the damage to the car, it reminded me of that Michael Burke TV show, 999 where people have incredible escapes from such tragedies. All of a sudden, I was reading it in his style. I guess that means you've made it sound convincing, and indeed with impact.

All the best,

Ben

Jim Beard at 16:31 on 24 January 2005  Report this post
Nelly

A great description of a car crash. After the first four para’s I thought that the storyline might be from a man looking down on what had just happened as he made his way to the next life. However, you kept the suspense going very well indeed.

I felt that you used David a lot which I found distracting, e.g. three consecutive paragraphs begin with his name and I think that the word be is missing from para four… ‘lucky to BE alive.’

I liked the nonchalant ending.

Regards

Jim


Nik Perring at 18:28 on 24 January 2005  Report this post
Good stuff Nelly. An entertaining read.
Best,
Nik

Becca at 19:08 on 24 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Neil,
Glad you didn't let him die, that would've been cruel. It's a great ad for mobile phones, I'd say. Does the story belong to a longer piece, or as part of a set of stories about David Rice's luck?
At the very end, in his condition, would he really talk to his mum like that? Wouldn't his first words be 'get someone?'
Becca.

Nelly at 22:08 on 24 January 2005  Report this post
Hi everyone,

Cheers for the great responses you have all given. I will take it all under review and see what I can manage.

DB4's dont have airbags, so it was a little artistic license to put one in and the same for the explosion but if it's good enough for the movies then it's good enough for me.

Cheers again

Neil.

Dee at 08:27 on 28 January 2005  Report this post
Neil,

The rear side passenger door
An Aston Martin DB4 only has two doors so I think simply ‘passenger door’ would be better.

hard unforgiving rocky ground
Adjective overload! Rocky is hard is unforgiving… and you’ve already told us the car fell onto rocks.

out from the driver’s seat and into the back
They don’t have a back, do they? And I’ve seen your comment about the airbag. I’m wondering why you specify a DB4. They’re not a car you see every day, so I’m wondering why? What’s the significance? If I owned a DB4 I’d be distraught at wrecking it – no matter how injured I was!

IMO, if you use something like an Aston Martin, you need to include it in the story more, in the sense that it means more to its owner than your average motor. If you don’t want to do that then I’d recommend you change it to an ordinary car so that it doesn’t detract from the main theme of the story, which is your MC surviving the crash.

Hope this helps. Was going to add more but I’m late for work!!!

Dee


Nelly at 11:29 on 28 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Dee,

Obviously I need to research my cars more before including them in short stories. Before writing the piece I ran a quick Google check for old cars and came up with the DB4. I thought it looked the type and so put it in.

The car I imagine though throughout, has to have four doors and so it would seem the DB4 is the wrong one for the job.

I'll run another check on the super highway of information and see what I can come up with.

I also agree with that sentence and I'll have a bit of a shifty to see what I can do.

Cheers

Neil.


<Added>

Although bizarrely after a second search I have found an old Aston Martin with a fitted airbag.

I've gone for a different type of car altogether. But feel like I've lost something by taking the DB4 out (lol).

Apparently it was a James Bond car...


Zigeroon at 15:51 on 28 January 2005  Report this post

Neil

Real cliff hanger, excuse the pun.

Should driving wheel be steering wheel?

Two foot of steel back into the car? Couldn't quite follow which bits of metal. Parts of the engine?

The continuous round of things stopping him getting out and then the explosion damaging even more was great, if pain and anguish can be great.

I thought the final straw was going to be the tide coming in and almost drowning him, fortunatley you spared him that!

Pacey story, Indiana Jones flavour. Enjoyed it.


Andrew

Dee at 18:49 on 28 January 2005  Report this post
Neil, sorry if my comments this morning seemed a bit negative. I was going to add more but realised I had three minutes to get out of the house – and I was still in bed!

James Bond had a DB5 in the films, although it was a DB3 in the books. Aston Martins are such special cars that, if you use one in a story, someone is bound to know whether you’ve got your facts right. I would sell my soul for an Aston Martin. In the next novel I’m planning, the MC drives a DB7 although, by the time the manuscript is finished, it might have to become a DB9!

Good luck with this.

Dee


Nelly at 12:06 on 29 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Zigeroon,

I'll change the wheel line around and with by two foot of metal I mean the whole thing becoming a compacted lump.

I had thought about the tide getting him as well but opted for the "mum" ending as I only intended this to about the 1000 word mark.

I can just imagine Harrison Ford doing that type of thing, maybe I should add a hat and whip?

Neil

crowspark at 14:27 on 29 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Neil, a great read. Don't panic, I know nothing of the Volvo S80 nor the peculiarities of its safety systems.

Lots of great drama and detail. A simple story, well. I liked the understatement at the end.

Great stuff.
Bill



scoops at 12:01 on 05 February 2005  Report this post
Hi Nelly, My heart sank a bit when I started reading this because I thought it was an exercise in description, but by the time I was halfway through I was gripped. A lot of what you are describing is fairly standard in the sense that there is a finite number of options once a car's rolled over, but you have made the action your own and that's really good. I think you should clip some of the sentences to give it more of a sense of immediacy, for example: The metal of the car groaned, a wounded beast's final cry, before shuddering and falling slowly onto its side. The ending was terrific: it was unexpected and I liked his laconic delivery in the wake of so much drama:-) Shyama

<Added>

Have just gone back over what others have written and see you changed the make of car... Does a DB7 have four doors? Just asking for when I can afford one:-)

Nelly at 17:52 on 06 February 2005  Report this post
Cheers for taking the time to review I'm glad you liked it. I'll have another look and see if I can reflect your comments into the piece.

I'll never look at an Aston Martin in the same way again.

lieslj at 08:55 on 28 March 2005  Report this post
Late to comment, I think this work does well for the short sentences you use in places and the snappy paragraphs.

I would still encourage you to do a more rigorous check on each adjective and every adverb. For my taste, there are still excessive qualifiers which don't serve the text optimally.

I imagine this would be publishable if you could be truly ruthless on that point.

Good luck. Do a rewrite and then send it out.

Liesl

Nelly at 21:44 on 09 May 2005  Report this post
An equally late response to your late response,

Thanks for reading it, I haven’t considered sending it out as such, but I'll take another look and see what I can manage.

Cheers Neil



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