Garden Statues
Posted: 22 January 2005 Word Count: 142 Summary: Changing this one still, firstish draft, though re-worked it a bit. Crits welcome!
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Garden Statues
V2
Garden Statues
"Are you alive?" He asks "I am dead" I reply.
Uneasy sleeps the garden trees bare-boned and froze icicles cling primitive black ice-blizzard shrouded and dead, dead-wood.
Beneath us on the earth are giant burlesque hearts carved in the virtuous snow Drawn by gone-long ghostly day folks stouted love-lines now closer to faded and dead, dead-gone.
I wanted to ask if he feels but he always seems so cold.
V1 "Are you alive?" He asks "I am dead" I reply.
Uneasy sleeps the garden trees bare-boned and froze icicles cling primitive black ice-blizzard shrouded and dead, dead-wood.
But there burlesque hearts carved in the virtuous snow again and again grand visions from gone-long ghostly day folks stouted love-lines closer to faded and dead, dead-gone.
I wanted to ask if he feels but he always seems so cold.
Comments by other Members
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Lawrenco at 08:17 on 23 January 2005
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Hi G ,liked the emotional analogical expression between excitement and trepidition;hope your not held up for long!
We havent had snow here yet . But you know what they say if it happens in the state it happens here next .
Thanks for the warning!
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Mr B. at 09:56 on 25 January 2005
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Coldness...there is obviously a sense of physical cold, but there was also an emotional coldness. The two complemented each other and made an interestingly bleak piece.
Cheers,
Anthony
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TheGodfather at 17:43 on 29 January 2005
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Gina,
I loved the strong language and the harmony of the words. However, I am having a bit of trouble understanding exactly what is happening in this stanza
And giant burlesque hearts
carved in the virtuous snow
from gone-long ghostly day folks
stouted love-lines closer to faded
and dead, dead-gone. |
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Is this people? Statues? If it is statues, how are they talking? It's probably because it's early in the morning on a Saturday when I should be sleeping, but I was a bit lost.
Best regards,
TheGodfather
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gard at 14:04 on 31 January 2005
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hi Law, MrB godfather Hamburger
thanks for your comments.
Godfather, thanks for the critique. Yes perhaps its not so clear, I also agree I need to rework this a bit. The second stanza describes a series of very large (huge infact) hearts I saw that had been drawn in the snow (sort of valentine shaped hearts but very curvy too) following the pathway. The people who drew them (obviously playful perhaps in love) had gone before I arrived. But becuase the snow had started again the hearts were begining to fade away. I thought this was so sweet; the sun was shining, the day was icy and wintery and there were these lovely shapes in the snow (viewed from above from the fourth floor of a building. A sort of reminder of hope if you like. So I wanted to incorporate that into a poem. I suppose my write was meant to show the desolation of a love that has died. The hearts, symbols of love, something recognisable but absent from the statues (who are really people but set in the context of a statues in the garden) but in the end they too would fade. I suppose I wanted a parallel between the fading hearts and the fading love. I guess meaning rather bleakly; all hope is gone despite the longing and symbolism. Sorry its so bleak, its the weather ha ha!
Hope that helps!
G
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