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BALLGAME

by TheGodfather 

Posted: 15 January 2005
Word Count: 145


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The muscles in my young legs start to burn
as we walk up the stadium stairs.
I almost trip over a man's leg sticking out in the aisle.
I follow up the leg with my eyes till I see a fat man
whose lap is filled with snacks. The aroma wafts to my nostrils.
Hot dogs with mustard, nachos with jalapenos, a cinnamon-
covered pretzel.
He drips mustard from his hot dog onto his white shirt
and shuffles his feet, crushing peanut shells on the cement floor.
I hear a loud "Crack," and people start to stand up all around.
We turn and grab onto the rusted, metal handrail,
just in time to see the white sphere with red laces
"Crash" into the fat man's lap knocking over all his snacks.
He will be sad and probably pathetic
about the losing his food.
"Play ball!"






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Comments by other Members



gard at 20:33 on 15 January 2005  Report this post
Hi there Godfather

interesting write here. It is very descriptive and could almost be written in prose I thought. Yes junk food very addictive even though its horribly bad ha ha.

Only critique is the form I guess. It seemed to me that if you worked more on the form of this piece of work it could be more poetic? i.e. splitting into short sections etc, not sure what you think?



Should the last line have an extra word like "of" his food, not sure?

G

joanie at 22:53 on 15 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Godfather, until June of last year, when I saw my first baseball match, I wouldn't have understood this, but I can really SEE the scene! The description is spot-on; I love it.

Hot dogs with mustard, nachos with jalapenos, a cinnamon-
covered pretzel.
could only be America, couldn't it?

I enjoyed this.

joanie


roovacrag at 21:57 on 16 January 2005  Report this post
Goddie..Enjoyed this as it was more visual to me than words.
Great poem and one I will read over again.
(Wasn't the thought of your young legs that did it)

Well done.
xx Alice

Mr B. at 22:17 on 16 January 2005  Report this post
I don't understand baseball, but is it supposed to be quite a big deal when a spectator catches the ball - if that is the case then I liked the way the fat man's personal triumph of having many snacks is shattered by the ball's landing on his lap. If that's not the case - oops!
:)

Cheers,

Anthony

laurafraser at 10:36 on 17 January 2005  Report this post
godfather, i love the way you have woven a poem around this 'fat man' and yet all the time the reader is anticipating the game. a clear vivid character is created, one that can be seen eveywhere. there is a touch of cruel humour here yet mellowed by an equal splash of humanity. interesting piece. xlaura

Lawrenco at 21:34 on 18 January 2005  Report this post
I found this piece intriguing.I like the movement of "being there".Mixed in with your opinion giving it a commentary feel as well .
I wasn`t sure if white sphere with red laces is enough description to analise it`s a ball?


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