 Nell at 16:51 on 11 January 2005
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Joanie, love the sensuality of this and can picture all those things happening, surreal as some are. Especially like the first line, 'write my colour' and 'capture canvas fever from my smile'. Interesting how those MP words prompted commands from both your poem and mine - something to do with the verbs perhaps. Please don't discard the first poem, I think you should work on it. There's a strength that runs through, and I liked those lines fevvers picked out too, but it was past my bedtime when I posted and I was too tired to be specific!
Nell.
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 fevvers at 16:53 on 11 January 2005
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The last line is fabulous!
I liked this a lot, there's an excitement and energy about it that is all about being loved - and being surreal! I liked "Paint these lips a warm translucent circle,".
What I especially liked was how you start it - with a direction! Authoratative, but not overly forced. I would be careful of how many adjectives you use. Is this the first draft?
Well done.
Cheers
<Added>
What's also nice is how many internal rhymes and half rhymes are there - lovely.
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 joanie at 16:56 on 11 January 2005
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Thank you, Nell. Yes, I'm sure the verbs led the piece, as you suggest.
I have to say that I enjoyed doing this one; it's certainly a good exercise for getting the creative juices flowing.
I'll look again at my first one.
Thank you for your positive response and for suggesting the exercise!
joanie
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joanie at 17:03 on 11 January 2005
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Than you fevvers; I was replying to Nell as you were posting!
I'll have a look at the use of adjectives, but I'm not sure about re-drafting. I have to confess that I'm still feeling a bit restricted; I mean am I allowed to change it and add other words? Scary! That's a bit tongue-in-cheek really - I'll certainly try restructuring it a bit.
Thank you again for your prompt response and encouragement.
joanie
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 Elsie at 17:07 on 11 January 2005
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Joanie - I'm impressed how much sense you've made out of the words! Lots of lovely phrases - and a few words I recognise from my set! I think your ballerina sounds so cool.
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Mac AM at 17:36 on 11 January 2005
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Wow it is quite amazing how much scope there is for poems out of those littel boxes!
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joanie at 17:45 on 11 January 2005
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Thanks, Elsie and Mac. I don't actually have a box! I didn't even know what Magnetic Poetry was until a few days ago, but Nell posted some words from hers which I have used. The ballerina one was taken from a magazine article - I picked words at random. I found that I enjoyed it very much after some initial frustration.
joanie
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miffle at 18:45 on 12 January 2005
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Joanie, really enjoyed the poem posted at the top here. Felt like an embrace - almost lost track of the words I was so enjoying the rhythms.
My favourite lines 'pierce this concrete scupture with a kiss' and 'demand the universe become surreal' - the idea of the surreality of love reminded me of my 'We jumped...' poem and yours definitely holds an irresistible energy too.
Loved the sound of all the alliterative 'pt' 'p' 'i' through the piece. Wasn't sure about the 'velvet-soft embrace' perhaps a bit cliche (?) though indeed that is how the poem feels :-) and that said, i do like the half-rhyme (is it a half rhyme) of 'embrace' with 'kiss'.
Ballerina: liked the more concrete images here. Especially liked the idea of her being an 'incredible smoker in jeans' and the image of 'the dancing red muscle'. Wasn't sure that you needed some of the adverbs/ adjectives e.g. famously ? Or perhaps she is a 'Famous Ballerina'. NB An aside: are men who dance ballet called ballerinas too?
Take care, Nikki :-)
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joanie at 21:55 on 12 January 2005
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Nikki, thanks for your comments and observations - I do appreciate it. Yes, it was intended to be a half-rhyme.
The Ballerina one I wasn't at all happy with - it stands as an example of my 'workings' with magnetic Poetry, which was quite a new experience!
I don't know what male ballet dancers are called - simply that, I suppose!
Thanks for the reminder of 'We jumped' - I am just going to search for it amd re-read.
Many thanks again.
joanie
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gard at 01:27 on 15 January 2005
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joanie I really like the Ballerina one especially, its somewhat surreal but I found it had a a connection some lovely imagery with a gorgeous flow. Perhaps its becuase I used to do ballet (and loved it so much) when I was young, maybe it connected with me...well anyway, ....well done
G
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joanie at 11:18 on 15 January 2005
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Gard, thank you. I had written off the Ballerina and wasn't going to post it, but I'm glad I did now. Thanks for the encouragement.
joanie
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laurafraser at 08:18 on 18 January 2005
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joanie this iss beautiful as has been said the last line is beautiful-actually whole poem is quite stunning!
and like them both but in different ways-sorry cant be more specific-in rush! xlaura
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Tuppence at 13:25 on 22 January 2005
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i like both versions
different in their own right
2 seperate aspects
end of 1st poem is brilliant
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paul53 [for I am he] at 09:11 on 01 April 2005
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Joanie,
I'm not even going to comment on the second poem, because the first one stopped me in my tracks.
"Bring me ocean-blue electric passion" - well, I could highlight each line, and
"write my colour" - what a marvellous idea.
Honestly and without hyperbole, I wish I had written this - and that's something I don't say very often, except maybe about some T S Eliot.
Paul
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joanie at 10:03 on 01 April 2005
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Thank you Paul. I have to say that I would not have even thought about writing anything like this if it hadn't been for the exercise. They certainly unleash something!
Glad you enjoyed it.
joanie
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