Beanstalks and Lies

It’s time to put the record straight. For too long mention the words ‘Jack’ and ‘beanstalk’ in the same sentence and all you’ll end end up with is a pack of lies. I’m sick and tired of it, I really am. So, here it is what really happened. Prepare yourself, there are a few shocks along the way.

Things had been going fairly well for quite a while. From my goose that laid golden eggs to the harp that played for me whenever I so wished, life was good. Of course, all that changed when that theiving brat, Jack, turned up on my doorstep. The first thing I knew of it was when my housekeeper comes stomping her way into my room, fretting her little head off.
“Master, master! Some young scallywag’s had it off with them there harp!”
I bolted out of bed after him, causing a mini earthquake as I did so. Pushing the fallen chairs and broken ornaments out of the way, I made for the door.

When I got outside there was no sign of him. Now, here’s a great example of a lie against me. The papers clamied that I was going eat him, me! Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m a strict vegetarian. Sure, I could smell that he’d been around, a horrid mix of sweets, mud and cod liver oil. And yeah, I shouted a few things, but only to scare him. The very thought of putting flesh in my mouth makes my skin crawl. Give me a nice tofu curry any day of the week.

Troll Security Limited were contacted immediately, there was no way I was going to allow that to happen again. Despite their lack of height and faces that resemble a run in with a baseball bat, these guys are the best there is and I knew it was the only way I would feel secure. They couldn’t fit me in straight away but I booked them anyway. What else could I do? I wasn’t about to have my bread and butter nicked as well was I?

I took to sleeping next to the goose, always on alert. Well, apart from the several times I fell asleep that is and I had to eat right? Neither was I about to wet my undies either. Anyway, I come back from visiting the little giant’s room and there he was, bold as brass, running out the door with my bird squawking under his arm! Who did he think he was, Robin bleeding Hood? With a roar of fury I ran after him, he wasn’t going to get away this time.

When I got outside I spied him heading for the cliffs. What was he going to do, chuck himself off? What’s the point in stealing if you then go and top yourself? My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw him next, scrambling down a bloody brilliant beanstalk! It put my prize winning sunflowers to shame, I can tell you! A mane of curly hair disappeared through the clouds and I made my mind up there and then, there was no way on Giantopia that he was pulling the goose over my eyes. However, rage soon evaporated to being bloody knackered once I started the descent. I really should have been going the gym more,but you know how it is. You fork out a bleeding fortune in membership then never go, it’s the most accepted way of losing (or rather not) weight. Sweat was running down my back when I heard it; an awful booming, creaking sound. I grabbed on for dear life as the plant began to tilt. The little bleeder had only gone and chopped the thing down with me on it! With an almighty scream, that was apparently heard through eight counties, I headed south towards the ground.

Jack made out afterwards that he’d actually killed me, Jack the Giant Killer they were calling him. He got quite a few gigs out of it and a lucrative sponsership deal with Ye Olde Cola. He could definately never complain about being poor again, not that that stopped him thieving, mind. Turns out he got a real buzz from stealing and he ended up doing two years in the slammer for armed robbery.

And as for me? I spent a month in hospital recupirating from my injuries. They had to give me an entire ward to myself, there was no way I was going to fit in one of them little poxy beds. It wasn’t all doom and gloom though. I got a book deal and a chat show from it and am now in the top ten of highest earners! Now if I could just stop wasting it on birds I’d be set!