Login   Sign Up 


Rhodesia 1975

by Jabulani 

Posted: 23 June 2003
Word Count: 97
Summary: This is in response to Anna's exercise of 'a childhood bed'.

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

Light-box and shadows. A room beyond a room. The African sun sends tiny dust devils dancing through the glare of a wide window. Lying here you can see the invisible shift and sparkle. Cool cotton bedspread, soothes and calms. Neat corners, tight tucks, keeping chaos out.
Thin veils hide the heavy darkness of night where terrorists wait with sharpened knives. The deep recesses harbour monstrous imaginations. You are safe so long as you don’t venture out. Dad is not home and mum sleeps awake. I keep the sheet over my head and the light on ‘til morning.

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

Anna Reynolds at 16:53 on 24 June 2003  Report this post
Thanks for posting this.

It's interesting how much of a narrative story you've packed in to 100 words. Which is the point of the exercise of course, to be economical, and to convey the visual, sensory, emotional and aural in a very small package. It also feels quite poetic- that's probably partly the alliteration. Can I be picky and suggest that you have a think about choosing words that don't alliterate, ie. begin with the same letter or sound? eg. dust devils dancing, keeping chaos, tight tucks... But the way you have built up the layers of imagery and metaphor work really well- light-box, the calmness of the cool cotton bedspread acting as a good counterpoint to the thin veils and terrorists. Also, you convey very accurately and emotively the sense of terror that night brings, and they very specific placing of this in a semi alient landscape.... lovely. Let's see if we get some more from other people, then we'll move onto the next part of the exercise.

Jabulani at 20:51 on 24 June 2003  Report this post
Thanks Anna,
This is great. I will have another look at it and try and move away from poetry mode a little more.

To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .