[PLEASE NOTE: a ‘/’ indicates where one line is interrupted by the following line.]

[There is a terrible storm. We hear the sound of crashing waves and a boat being ripped to pieces by the violent twisting sea. We can hear screaming voices under the booming thunder. Then there is silence.]

[Lights up - It is a few days later and the sea is now calm. BOB is lying on a piece of driftwood somewhere in the middle of the Pacific. The sun beats down and he looks as though he is at death’s door. As he floats about aimlessly on his driftwood a SHARK swims up and starts to circle him.]

BOB [Exhausted] Go away, go away, [beat] leave me be.

[The SHARK still circles]

BOB Oh God, please have mercy on me, I’ve suffered enough. Not now, not like this, not after everything I’ve been through.

SHARK Morning.

BOB [He jumps to his feet in fear] Jesus!

SHARK What’s wrong?

BOB You’re a talking shark!

SHARK That’s right.

BOB Sharks don’t talk.

SHARK We save it for special occasions.

BOB Uh-huh.

[Pause]

Well, what do you want?

SHARK I was just passing. Thought I’d stop by for a chat.

BOB Well I’m not really in the talking mood I’m afraid.

SHARK I see.

BOB I’m waiting to die you see.

SHARK Yes quite.

BOB So I’d appreciate it if you would leave me to myself for a while.

SHARK Of course.

[Long silence. BOB just sits in the centre of his driftwood and the SHARK leans casually at the side.]

SHARK Do you come here often?

BOB What?

SHARK Is this your first time?

BOB You mean is this my first time stranded? What do you think?

SHARK There’s no need to be like that, I was just trying to be friendly.

BOB Well I don’t want you to be friendly, now shove off.

SHARK Oooooh! Well sorry for stopping by.

BOB I didn’t ask you to.

SHARK What’s your name?

BOB Look, Go away.

SHARK I was just curious.

BOB It’s Bob now bugger off.

SHARK Is that Russian?

BOB What?

SHARK NAUWBUGEROV, that sounds Russian.

BOB No, it’s not Russian. Don’t you have something better to do? I’m dying as it is, I don’t need you to bore me to death.

SHARK Not really. Gets a bit lonely out here to be honest. You don’t find many people to talk to. I swear, sometimes it’s enough to drive you mad.

BOB I know what you mean. I also thought I’d lose it, all the way out here on my own.

SHARK Well you are talking to a shark.

BOB That’s true. [Beat] I s’pose you’re gonna eat me now aren’t you.

SHARK No. Why would I do something like that?

BOB You’re a Shark.

SHARK [Sarcastically] Am I? Oh yes, that’s right.

BOB So…

SHARK I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m on a diet.

BOB Do sharks go on diets?

SHARK Overweight ones do.

BOB Oh, I see. So what now?

SHARK Well, you just sit here and wait.

BOB For what?

SHARK Rescue.

BOB Oh yeah.

SHARK How long have you been here?

BOB Not sure. A couple of days.

SHARK And what do you think of it so far?

BOB What?

SHARK Well, do you think you’ll come here again next year?

BOB What are you talking about?

SHARK Just trying to make conversation.

BOB Conversation? You think I’m in the mood for conversation? I AM GOING TO DIE?

SHARK Could be worse.

BOB Could be worse?

SHARK Well, it’s a nice day for it.

BOB A nice day for it? What the hell are you going on about? It’s nearly forty degrees; my skin is blistering, if I sneeze dust flies out of my nose, that’s assuming my nose doesn’t crack first. My clothes, [beat] my clothes were so wet from the perspiration earlier that I ended up sucking on them to get the moisture out which only resulted in me getting a mouthful of sea salt residue and made me feel so nauseas that I vomited up the little remaining fluid’s I had. The sun is beating down on me. My hair is dry and flaky, it itches like hell, my entire body itches, I want to scratch it but every time I do I break open another film of skin and lose yet more moisture. The sea breeze blows on my sores and ulcerations and it stings like hell. All I have is the hope that God will be kind to me and somehow get me out of this. Someone will notice I’m missing soon and a search party will have been sent out looking for me. It’s unlikely in this day and age with the technology they’ve got that they won’t be able to find me. One minute I think I’m going to die and the next I think I’ve seen a ship on the horizon or I hear a helicopter in the background, and then to top it all off, just when I think that everything’s going to be okay you turn up. I’m drifting aimlessly to I don’t know where and I don’t know for how long. And you tell me it’s a nice day for it!

SHARK Well it is. The sun is shinning, the sky is clear and the water [beat] yes the water is beautiful. Nice and warm. Clear too! I’d say there was about fifteen meters visibility in here today. Great for diving. Why not come on in for a while? Have a little swim, give it a try. What do y’say? You might like it.

BOB I might be delirious pal, I might be sitting here having a conversation with a Shark, but I ain’t that stupid. I’m not getting in there with you. You’ll eat me.

SHARK No I won’t.

BOB Then what are you hanging around for then?

SHARK Just thought you’d appreciate a bit of company, that’s all.

BOB Well I don’t. So piss off!

SHARK Suit yourself.

[SHARK starts to swim off]

BOB Hey. [Beat] Oi! Where are you going?

SHARK I got better things to do than to swim around here and be insulted.

BOB Come on, I didn’t mean it. I was just pulling your leg a bit.

SHARK I don’t have a leg.

BOB Your tail then.

SHARK See you later Bob.

BOB No, please. Wait. I’m just a bit agitated right now that’s all. Don’t leave me here on my own again. Please. Don’t go.

SHARK Look I’m sorry Bob, but there’s a whole ocean out there and I’m sure I can find something more interesting and less offensive. I mean you even had the audacity to think I would consider eating someone as bitter as you, PERLEASE! Good luck Bob, I hope you get rescued, I really do. Look I gotta get going.

BOB Just a few more minutes. Please.

[Pause]

I’ll make you a deal.

[SHARK stops]

SHARK What kind of deal?

[Pause]

BOB If I’m rescued I’ll push someone overboard for you as we leave.

SHARK I don’t need your charity.

BOB And if I die, I won’t hold a grudge if you eat me. You’ll get first pickings.

SHARK I told you Bob. I’m not interested in eating you and as I said before, I’m on a diet. Besides, don’t take this the wrong way but you are getting a bit, well how can I say this politely, [beat] erm, on the turn.

BOB That’s not my fault. I’ve been out here for two days without fresh water.

SHARK That’s no excuse.

BOB Come on.

SHARK Okay; Say I do hang around, and say you don’t get rescued, you won’t be upset if I didn’t eat you would you?

BOB What do you mean?

SHARK Well, I’ve got a bit of a reputation you see. I’d hate to be seen eating a mate after all.

BOB Really? You see me as a mate?

SHARK Well...

BOB Alright. So you don’t have to eat me if you don’t want to. Deal?

SHARK Deal!

[He swims back to him]

So then. How about that swim.

BOB I’d rather not.

SHARK You still don’t trust me do you.

[SHARK turns to swim away again]

BOB It’s not that.

SHARK No? Then what is it?

BOB I’m [beat] I’m not a very good swimmer.

SHARK Seaweed! Yes you are. I saw you splashing around when your boat capsized. Eight and ten meter waves. Any normal human being would have died, in fact all the others did, but you, you somehow got through.

BOB I was the only survivor?

SHARK Much to my disappointment.

BOB What’s that s’posed to mean?

SHARK Well, if you’d have just died there and then I wouldn’t think twice about eating you. But now [beat] well now it’s different isn’t it.

BOB And the others? Ben? Josh? Chris?

SHARK Drowned.

BOB Mark? Fliss? Steven?

SHARK Eaten, all of them.

BOB You ate all my friends!

SHARK Well No. Not all of them.

BOB What?

SHARK Some of them I didn’t fancy the look of.

BOB You ate my friends!

SHARK I ate SOME of your friends.

BOB You ate my friends.

SHARK No, I ate some, some of them Bob, not all of them. Don’t overreact.

BOB I don’t believe it.

SHARK Now calm down Bob. It’s really not important.

BOB Not important? Are you kidding me?

SHARK Well think how much money you’ll save at Christmas.

BOB What about the fact I’ll be getting less presents?

SHARK It’s a time for giving Bob.

BOB You ate them.

SHARK Let’s not look at it as though I ate them, but rather that I saved them.

BOB You saved them?

SHARK Well they would have drowned otherwise.

BOB So let them drown.

SHARK Well it’s a bit late now isn’t it.

BOB No wonder you’re so fat.

SHARK Yes, I did get a little bit carried away. A little feeding frenzy as it were.

BOB Well you’re not eating me.

SHARK Fine. As I said before, I don’t want to eat you.

BOB Oh I get it. I see. This is a guilt thing isn’t it.

SHARK I don’t know what you mean.

BOB You’re hanging around because you feel guilty for eating my mates.

SHARK Not at all.

BOB Unbelievable.

SHARK Look, if I could bring them back then I would but I can’t. I agree what I did was wrong but you’re not the only one who’s suffering.

BOB No?

SHARK I’ve got terrible indigestion. Why do you think I started this diet?

BOB My heart bleeds for you, it really does.

SHARK Let bygones be bygones. What d’you say?

BOB YOU ATE MY FRIENDS!

SHARK You lose a friend, you gain a friend.

BOB I lose a friend, you gain some pounds.

SHARK Life’s too short to be bitter.

[Pause]

BOB Bitter!? How would you feel if I ate your friends?

SHARK Happens all the time where I come from. I’ve even ate my brothers and sisters before I was born. It’s no big deal.

BOB Well it is to me.

SHARK Look they were going to die anyway.

BOB You can’t be sure of that.

SHARK Well do you see any other drift wood?

BOB No.

SHARK So?

[Beat]

BOB Alright, fair point. But I still think it was a bit mean.

SHARK I can’t help it. I’m an opportunist. [Beat] Friends?

BOB Let’s just say we’re not enemies.

SHARK Good enough for me, let’s have that swim. Hop on in!

[BOB starts to come off of his driftwood and dangles his legs in the water. SHARK grins, BOB suddenly changes his mind]

BOB Oh no. [He laughs to himself] I can’t believe it. I nearly fell for that.

SHARK What?

BOB Oh you’re clever. You’re clever Sharkie.

SHARK Bob, let’s not go through all this again. You can trust me now, you know that.

BOB No, no, no. I’ve been drifting here a little too long, but not so long that I’m going to fall for the old ‘come on in for a swim’ routine.

SHARK You know what Bob? You really disappoint me.

[BOB crawls back to the middle of his drift wood]

BOB You’ll get over it.

[Short pause]

SHARK So what now?

BOB Guess I’ll just sit here and wait.

SHARK To be rescued?

BOB Death, rescue. Which ever comes sooner.

SHARK I see.

[Pause]

Fancy a game of I-Spy?

BOB Go on then.

SHARK But you have to go easy on me as my eye-sight’s not that good.

BOB All right. You go first.

SHARK Ok. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with [beat] ‘S’.

BOB Erm, Sea?

SHARK Nope.

BOB Sun?

SHARK No.

BOB Err. Sky.

SHARK Damn.

BOB Right, my turn.

SHARK Right.

BOB I spy with my little eye, something beginning with, err, ‘S’.

SHARK Sky?

BOB No, we’ve had that.

SHARK Oh yeah. Erm, how about Sea?

BOB No.

SHARK Sun?

BOB Bang on the nose.

SHARK Ooh, don’t say that!

BOB Sorry I forgot.

SHARK Right, so my turn again.

BOB Indeed.

SHARK Okay, are you ready?

BOB Well I’m not planning on going anywhere.

SHARK Okay then. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with, ‘S’.

BOB Hmmm. ‘S’ again.

SHARK Yep.

BOB Sea.

SHARK Nope.

BOB Not sea?

SHARK Nope.

BOB It’s not one we’ve already had is it?

SHARK I don’t know, remind me.

BOB Well we had Sky and sun.

SHARK Oh no, no, it’s neither of those.

BOB Okay then. Erm. Seagull?

SHARK Nope.

BOB Seaweed?

SHARK Ooh, you’re so, SO, cold.

BOB Sea urchin?

SHARK Uh-uh.

BOB Sand, shirt, seahorse, seashell, seesaw?

SHARK Nope.

BOB I give up, what is it?

SHARK No, I’m not telling you.

BOB Go on.

SHARK No.

[Pause]

Alright I’ll tell you, but you’ll kick yourself when you realise you missed it.

BOB So surprise me.

SHARK Ship!

BOB [Jumps to his feet] What? Where??

SHARK [Laughing] Nah, just kidding.

BOB You complete and utter git!

SHARK You should have seen yourself [beat] Where??

BOB It’s not funny.

SHARK Where??

BOB Shut it!

SHARK Oh lighten up, it was just a little joke.

BOB It was not funny and it was bloody mean.

SHARK Come on, you’re not seriously mad at me are you? There’s not a lot else to do out here. I thought a little joke might brighten you up a bit.

[Silence]

Hey Bobby, don’t get all sulky on me. Come on. See the funny side.

BOB I’m gonna die aren’t I.

SHARK I said the funny side Bob.

BOB This is it. This is my hour.

SHARK Oh don’t be such a depressive. You’re not the best of company like this you know. [Beat] It can’t be all bad. What’s it they say? [beat] that’s it “Worse things happen at sea!” [Beat] actually that’s not so good when I think about it. Scratch that, erm “There’s plenty more fish in the sea?” [beat] no, that doesn’t work either. Alright, now, no hang on, I can do this. Err.. “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink!” Bugger. There’s gotta be something, how about / “When the going gets tough, the tough get stranded?”

BOB I doomed to die here, dehydrated and having spent my last dying seconds with an overweight, cliché filled, Great White.

SHARK Bull.

BOB Its true damn it! Why are you tormenting me like this?

SHARK No, I mean I’m not a Great White, I’m a Bull Shark. Great Whites are generally a lot larger.

BOB Well you’re big enough.

SHARK Well I’m not that overweight I’m just big finned.

BOB Lord take me now. Why do you forsake me with this foolish fat fish for a friend?

SHARK The other thing, of course, is that we Bull Sharks are more aggressive than the Great Whites.

BOB Fascinating I’m sure.

SHARK So I’d watch it if I were you.

BOB Why? What are you going to do? Talk me to death?

SHARK Look you’re just lucky I’m here on my own. If the rest of my shoal were here they’d have eaten you by now, but not me, oh no, I thought I’d give you a chance, I thought / I’d let you…

BOB Oh shut up.

[Brief silence]

SHARK How about another game of I-Spy.

[BOB sobs to himself]

Or a song maybe? I know a few sea shanties. What shall we do with the drunken sailor, what shall we do with the drunken sailor, what shall we do with the drunken sailor early in the morning? Throw him to the sharks and watch him get eaten, Throw him to the sharks and watch him get eaten, Throw him to the sharks and watch him get eaten, early in the morning, Hooray Bob tastes delicious, hooray Bob tastes delicious, hooray / Bob tastes delicious…

BOB You’re enjoying this aren’t you?

SHARK Just trying to cheer you up a bit, that’s all.

BOB If you really wanted to cheer me up then you could do something to help me get out of here. Find some happier solution other than offering to eat me when I’m dead.

SHARK What if I find you some land?

BOB Could you do that?

SHARK Of course I could do that. I’ve lived round here for nearly twenty years. I know this place like the back of my fin.

BOB Well that doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence considering that you can’t actually bend enough to see the back of your fin.

SHARK It’s an expression.

BOB Well it’s a pretty stupid one for a shark.

SHARK I’ll ignore that.

BOB No, It’s no use. It’s over.

SHARK Wait my dear friend, all is not lost.

BOB I wont get my hopes up but why’s that then?

SHARK I seem to recall a rather sizable piece of land located not too far from here.

BOB How sizable?

SHARK Oh it’s big. Yeah, a nice size.

BOB You’re kidding me again aren’t you.

SHARK No, straight up this time. If we start off now we’ll get there by sunset. And I’ll tell you what, if I get you there then there’s something you can do for me in return.

BOB What’s that?

SHARK Write our story my friend. Let the world hear about this forbidden friendship between man and man eater.

BOB You obviously never met Madonna.

SHARK Who?

BOB Never mind.

SHARK I want everyone to see the true side of our nature. We’re not just vicious, highly advanced, predatory creatures but we can also be cultured and caring. Spielberg ruined us. Put the balance right Bob. [beat] Think about it.

BOB Sunset on the beach.

SHARK Sand between your toes.

BOB A small campfire flickering at my side.

SHARK A lobster cooking on a split.

BOB The stars twinkling above us.

SHARK And the sounds of the sea slowly lapping the shore.

BOB Okay Sharkie, you’ve got a deal.

SHARK Excellent. Let’s get going.

BOB How far is it?

SHARK Only about a hundred and fifty miles maybe.

BOB What?

SHARK That’s alright; we’ll do it in less than six hours.

BOB You might but I won’t.

SHARK I’ll pull you along on my back.

BOB I won’t be able to breathe.

SHARK Oh yeah. I forgot about that.

BOB Nah forget it. You go on without me, I’m just going to sit here and die.

SHARK You’re beginning to be not much fun to be around again.

BOB Sorry Sharkie, but this really is the end.

SHARK Well how about that swim then. For old times’ sake.

BOB You’ll eat me.

SHARK I won’t.

BOB You will.

SHARK I won’t.

BOB You will I know.

SHARK I will not!

BOB Sharkie…!!

SHARK [Annoyed] Oh alright, alright. I will. I admit it. I’ll eat you. I’ll tear you limb from limb, rip out chunks of flesh, turn the water red with your blood and leave you to rot for a few days in my stomach with your friends. A sailor’s reunion as it were. There [beat] are you happy now?

BOB Now that wasn’t so hard was it.

SHARK So I’ve been straight with you now what d’you say?

BOB No.

SHARK Oh come on Bob. I’ve hung around and kept you company all this time, the least thing you could do is let me eat you.

BOB I don’t want to be eaten.

SHARK It’ll be fun.

BOB No it won’t.

SHARK Of course it will.

[Pause]

Look what’s the point of you just sitting there dehydrating and burning up from the inside when you can jump on in, have a bit of a swim, a little bit of excitement and adventure and then get eaten. You’ve never been eaten before have you?

BOB I guess not.

SHARK Well then. What are you waiting for?

BOB No.

SHARK This is your chance Bob, go out with a splash. Just think how much more popular you’ll be when you get to heaven. Everyone will want to hear about your dying seconds wrestling with a shark. Who’s going to give a shell if you just dehydrate? Well? Live a little and die, what are you so scared of?

BOB I’m scared of being eaten.

SHARK That’s what they all say. Look, you won’t even know it’s happened.

BOB Do you promise?

SHARK Have I ever lied to you?

BOB Constantly.

SHARK Well?

BOB Alright then, but let me have a little bit of a swim before you start okay?

SHARK Sure, sure.

BOB Right then. Here I come.

[BOB climbs off of the driftwood and into the water]

Oh you’re right, it is quite warm.

SHARK Told you.

[BOB screams]

What’s wrong?

BOB The salt [beat] it’s stinging.

SHARK You’ll get used to it.

BOB I don’t want to get used to it, this is agony.

SHARK Enjoying your swim?

BOB Shut up and eat me you bastard!

SHARK Oakily Doakily.

[BOB and SHARK dance. As they dance SHARK removes the occasional limb]

BOB You move very gracefully don’t you.

SHARK Thanks. You’re not too bad yourself.

BOB Ouch!

SHARK What?

BOB Careful with those teeth.

SHARK Sorry.

[They continue dancing the dance of death]

BOB How do I taste?

SHARK Okay.

BOB Just okay?

SHARK Well yeah, you’re alright.

BOB Well what’s wrong with me?

SHARK Nothing.

BOB Well if you’re not enjoying me then stop eating me.

SHARK its okay, I’ve had worse.

BOB Well thanks a lot.

SHARK Nothing personal.

BOB Well I’m glad to hear it.

SHARK You’re just a bit salty that’s all.

BOB You sod!

SHARK Bye Bob.

BOB Bye bye Sharkie.

[The sea turns red and soon only SHARK is on stage having now devoured BOB. He smacks his lips. There is the sound of boats and helicopters in the background. SHARK looks up and then swims off.]

[Fin]