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Untitled as yet

by ki 

Posted: 22 June 2003
Word Count: 103
Summary: This is the first poem I've ever written, it came out of a couple of exercises. It's a first draft. Hope you like it.

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Here I was,
me, a living soul
standing outside my bedroom window
blissful, heartfelt. Then…
suddenly over to my window ­
And there it stood.

Here I was,
me a tender mortal
in the most amazing summer
the rays shone over me to
reveal a creature, living soul
sitting on the inside
of the window ledge just,
just glazing in delight
at me…

Then. Here I am,
for one moment I,
I just turn around and,
and to my sudden amazement it,
it was…

Then once again
here I am,
waiting for the living soul to ,
to return to me.

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Comments by other Members

fevvers at 19:02 on 22 June 2003  Report this post
Hello Ki

Thank you for posting up your poem.

This is very interesting and a wonderful first try at writing poetry.

I'm not too sure what it's about, but I love the images and the sense of a lost soul in a huge world. I also like the repetition, as if the speaker is whispering in the poem, or at least as if there is something in the poem that the speaker is unable to say.

Are you planning on re-drafting it. Where do you think it would go if you did?


fevvers at 19:04 on 22 June 2003  Report this post
And what about a title?

ki at 19:22 on 22 June 2003  Report this post
hi fevvers

thanx for your comment

i haven't thought of a title yet!


ki at 13:10 on 25 June 2003  Report this post

can someone please comment on my poem as i would like some advice on how to improve on it and what to improve on



olebut at 22:07 on 25 June 2003  Report this post
Ki I have emailed you on the message system

take care


Lisa at 13:55 on 29 June 2003  Report this post
I really like this poem - it's simplicity feels very pure. (If that doesn't sound too ponsey!)

"Here I Am" seems like an obvious title to me. Suggests both the writer and the creature.

Or "Waiting" might be a subtler title?

May I make some suggestions? The first stanza doesn't need the word "heartfelt". It works without it.

And the word creature seems to conjure up images of something very real but when you've used words like "it" the reader feels more of an air of mystery - it doesn't deny that the creature is real (such as a bug or a bird or a monster) nor does it confirm that it is anything more than a spirit or a playing of the light on the window. Perhaps a different word other than creature (such as "being", or "thing" or "figment" etc.) or no direct reference to giving it an identitiy may also be interesting?

I love the gentle, ethereal atmosphere of your writing. You should definitely do more, I'd love to read it.


fevvers at 18:32 on 03 July 2003  Report this post
Dear Ki

I agree with Lisa, I think you should do more, I'm sure we'd love to see it. I hope we haven't scared you off.

I'm not sure about Lisa's suggestions for titles, I can see the sense in them but I think this is one of those poems in which the title speaks volumes before the reader even gets to the poem. I think you'll find the title when you've discovered for yourself what the poem is about. I think it's one of those poems that's very difficult to 'enter into' as a writer coming back to it, but why don't you try thinking about what the creature looks like - this might not make it into the finished poem but it will give you something concrete to think about as you think about the title. I thought it was interesting you said it came out of some exercises - what kind of exercises? Which bit of the poem do you like the most?


fevvers at 18:34 on 03 July 2003  Report this post
Oh, by the way. You've not said about other people's work. We'd love to hear what you think. There's some good stuff up.

LONGJON at 09:09 on 04 July 2003  Report this post
Hello Ki,

An utterly simple poem ( and I mean that in the best possible way) no affectation, no studied attempts to be clever, no overweight adjectives.

Pretty darn good for first time up. Now comes the hardest part - poem # 2!

Good luck.

John P.

pene at 16:17 on 17 July 2003  Report this post
Sorry but I dont feel I have anything more that I can add to what has been said already, just wanted to say hi and keep writing!!! I believe the more you write the easier it will become cos I think you have a talent that you havnt really discovered yet??? Hope that makes sense??? Best wishes Pene

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