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Four-Hour Journey
Posted: 20 June 2003
Word Count: 85
Summary: A journey home
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Four-Hour Journey
‘Come home quick’ the phone call said
So I headed to the station at once.
‘No trains tonight’ the sign said
‘Sorry for any inconvenience.’
And so, inconvenienced, I went back
To my halls to sleep.
Early that morning I boarded my train
Peterborough, King Cross, London Bridge,
Familiar sights as I sped south.
Home.
Off the train and over the bridge –
Too late.
‘He died in the night. There was nothing you could’ve done’
A four-hour journey,
Ten hours too late.
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Comments by other Members
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 scribbler121 at 14:52 on 20 June 2003
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WOW I really liked this it put me in mind of John Betjemen with a hint of Tony Harrison. I particularly liked the last couplet, the juxtaposition of the ten and four. There is a real sense of pace in the piece that both mirrors the urgency of the dilema, to get home, and the pace of the train. Nice One.
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Ioannou at 15:43 on 20 June 2003
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Lovely (your writing) and awful (subject). Regret set up in a short poem. Love, Maria.
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 Dalcaissan at 16:21 on 20 June 2003
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A really beautiful poem dealing with an incredibly sad situation. I think you really expressed the sense of powerlessness in not being able to make the journey due to the trains not running, while the sense of actually travelling was beautifully expressed in the second verse. I think the last two lines sum up the entire poem brilliantly.
Well done.
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llydstp at 17:24 on 20 June 2003
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James
Your profile says that you are too scared to show your poetry to friends and family. All I can say to that is: don't be.
This is a super from-the-heart poem. The last two lines are so clever.
Welcome to WriteWords.
Steve
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poemsgalore at 16:45 on 21 June 2003
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Excellent, loved the pace and sense of frustration throughout. And the last two lines sum it all up beautifully. Look forward to more.
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fevvers at 12:58 on 23 June 2003
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Hello James
Welcome to Write Words and especially welcome to our poetry group.
I agree with a lot that's been said, I especially like the title and the opening of the poem - both are very strong. I don't think you need the 2nd inconvenienced because we know that already and there is huge pathos in "And so I went back/ To my halls to sleep" - all of the frustration, the juxtaposing of Halls and Home, and the fear of not being able to make it is nicely understated in this line.
Have you read Sharon Olds poem about racing home to see her father before he died, I think it's called The Journey but I really can't be sure. You might find it interesting, it's from the collection The Father published in '92.
It would be lovely to see more of your writing.
Cheers
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JW at 14:46 on 23 June 2003
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Hello all,
Thankyou for the positive comments.
I wrote this poem in a ten minute burst and then stared at it for ages trying to decide what to do with the end of the first stanza - originally there was no second inconvenienced.
I put in the second inconvenienced because I felt in slowed the stanza down a little. I was trying to show a burst of activity at the start as I tried to get a train and then use the inconvenienced as a brick wall in the way of all my efforts - if that makes any sense.
Plus, inconvenienced is the longest word I can spell and I like to show off.
I don't believe I have read any Sharon Olds. I would be just my luck to finally write a decent poem and find out I've just unknowingly ripped her off.
Cheers and I post some more when I work out how to do it without paying for a full membership - I've just finished one about ants that I quite like.
James.
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fevvers at 15:02 on 23 June 2003
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Hi James
No don't worry, I don't suggest you've ripped Sharon off, I just thought you might like to read it that's all. Ownership and originality is an interesting thing when looking at art.
I understnd what you're saying about inconvenienced but it's actually quite a quick word for all its syllables - it's odd isn't it how some words just run quicker even with more syllables eg journey is a slow word but only two syllables, yet 'incontrovertable' actually has lots of short syllables (with a slower 'ver') that makes it sound quicker. If you want to emphasise the space, if you want to make the 'inconvenienced' more exaggerated you might think of brackets rather than commas but I think it would still read quite quickly.
I hope you don't mind my jottings, it's just things to get us thinking.
Cheers
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JW at 17:13 on 23 June 2003
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Hi Fevvers,
I know you weren't accusing me of plagurism (I have no idea if that's spelt correctly) I was just joking.
I see what you mean by inconvenienced being a quick word for all its syllables (maybe if I wrote it in Welsh...) but I hadn't really thought of it like that. I think I just liked the repetition and the rhythm.
I'm not sure about using brackets. It seems like a pointless compromise. I like the poem with inconvenienced in and out so maybe I should make it into a hologram so from one angle its there and from another its not.
Feel free to write what you like about the poem. Its my day off today and this is quite interesting - just don't be too mean, I'm quite a wimp really.
bye bye
James
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Lisa at 14:05 on 29 June 2003
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I have to say (sorry to disagree fevvers) but the second "inconvenieced" made me laugh. I like that feeling because you feel guilty when you realise you've found humour in a poem about a tragic event. Thought that was clever.
The best tragedies have an element of comedy in them (and vice versa)
I adore the last two lines. Would make a great piece of short poetry just on their own!
"Died in the night" and "nothing you could've done" felt a little obvious to me - a little cliche, perhaps. Unless you are a doctor rushing miles and miles (and I'm assuming you're not) those lines sound a little Holby City for me. What they are refering to is definitely needed, but maybe phrased a little differently?
As for the positioning of "inconvenienced", why not give it a line of its own?
Enjoyed reading this. Lovely peice of writing.
Lisa
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pene at 16:12 on 17 July 2003
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nothing I can add to what has been said already except that I really enjoyed this and would love to read some more of your stuff. You should share your work it is well worth reading, well done best wishes Pene
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trapezoiddave at 18:35 on 12 November 2004
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Just a quick one - have you considered taking out the first 'Too Late'? It kind of takes away from the impact of the final couplet for me. Other than that a very nice poem that hit me between the eyes like a sledgehammer.
Cheers
Dave
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Jo Lamby at 15:05 on 13 February 2005
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I think there is huge strength in "And so, inconvenienced, I went back" it speaks of reality of heart versus circumstance. And breaks up the rhythm into perfectly disjointed halts as it did in life.
Brilliant.
I'm sorry.
On death: Have you read "What is Dying" ? I see I'm not supposed to write it out here but perhaps you can find it ? It is worth seeking out. By Bishop Brent.
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shandypockets at 16:51 on 20 April 2005
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This is one of the best pieces I have read on here, and I think every word works perfectly. An incredibly touching read. Just great.
Paul
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