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Followed

by Jubbly 

Posted: 09 December 2004
Word Count: 370
Summary: Just an experiment flash.


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Followed

The second timed it happened we marvelled at the coincidence.

“You bought our flat!” I said on seeing the couple huddled on the doorstep of our three-bedroom house.

They were expecting another child and had outgrown the flat, just like we had done, ten years earlier.

We exchanged and completed on our new home, a splendid five bed roomed house in Brighton, time to move out of London, get some sea air and left our Shadows in our past.

When the kids grew up and left for their own lives, we downsized, over twenty people came to view the house, no one put in the right offer.

It was a late Sunday morning, the garden looked lovely, hyacinths and white roses. The living room was strewn with newspapers and assorted supplements and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee added to the cosy ambience.


Ding Dong.

“Sorry to bother you, but we were just passing and saw the For Sale sign….

She covered her mouth with her hand muting her gasp.

Older, slightly stooped, the grey hair just beginning.

There they were again, our followers, intent on moving into our lives and becoming over familiar with our solicitor.

He was working from home now, just like me, they needed one of the rooms for a den, they were sick of London, yearned for some sea air. We laughed and shook hands and signed on the dotted.

My husband passed away and I decided to go back home, I’d grown up in a tiny village in Hampshire and felt drawn back to my roots.

I nearly didn’t bother putting the bungalow on the market, I knew what would happen and sure enough it did.

They looked slightly nervous this time, probably wondering if exterior forces were indeed at work.

You’d have thought over the years we’d have made friends, but something stops us from getting too intimate.

I don’t want to move again, I’m happy here. It’s small, a grandma’s fairytale cottage, and all mine.

I shall end my days here, but I can tell you one thing for sure, I daren’t reserve a plot in my local cemetery, I’ve always believed that a commitment such as that is for eternity.






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Comments by other Members



crowspark at 20:56 on 09 December 2004  Report this post
An engaging tale Jubbly. Fine writing. Very unlike you to give the game away so early on.
An enjoyable read.
typo - timed, should be time

Bill

ShayBoston at 20:59 on 09 December 2004  Report this post
Hi Julie,

A quaint, charming tale. It's the kind of real-life story you read about once in a while. Maybe it's an overlapping universe where these people are having the same lives at a time delay!

Shay


<Added>

Is this a record, three replies in as many minutes?!



Account Closed at 20:59 on 09 December 2004  Report this post
A great concept, Julie. It's true that sometimes you meet people who seem to be following your life pattern - but not your real estate purchases!

I wasn't sure if the bungalow was pre-or post- husband's passing away. Maybe a slight re-adjustment of those two lines would make it clearer (but maybe it's me being dense too) Nice ending (where was her husband buried? Wouldn't she be next to him?)

you could do with adding a few hyphens (my latest obsession):

five-bedroomed house

freshly-brewed coffee

over-familiar

Great flash

Elspeth

scottwil at 06:15 on 10 December 2004  Report this post
A wonderful unusual concept, Jubbly. I Liked it very much.

Great economical description. Lovely piece of flash.

There's a tense inconsistency here: '...a splendid five bed roomed house in Brighton, time to move out of London, get some sea air and left our Shadows in our past.'
I think it should be:
'...a splendid five bed roomed house in Brighton, time to move out of London, get some sea air and leave our Shadows in our past.'

Best
Sion




baroque at 06:28 on 10 December 2004  Report this post
Jubbly

I liked this piece, having just recently moved myself it gave thought provoking ideas of whats happening in the old place.

Claire

Jubbly at 07:29 on 10 December 2004  Report this post
Thanks everyone who commented on this. I'll go back and make those changes pronto. It's loosely based on the truth,it happened to my best friend twice.

Julie
x

Account Closed at 08:30 on 10 December 2004  Report this post
Spooky!

bjlangley at 10:53 on 10 December 2004  Report this post
Hi Julie, I find the idea of this piece rather creepy - I'd certainly be very worried if someone appeared to be following in my footsteps so closely. As such I thought the last line was excellent.

All the best,

Ben

DerekH at 10:57 on 10 December 2004  Report this post
Jubbly, you have a lovely smooth writing style. It adds a strangely warm feel to this spooky tale.

I couldn't help but look twice at "My husband passed away and I decided to go back home", though ... I think it's just the two things so close together.

I enjoyed it very much,

Derek.



Jardinery at 19:01 on 10 December 2004  Report this post
Hi Julie

nice concept and a nice light tone - 'sign on eth dotted..'

however that said i really felt more coudl be made of the idea something bigger, explored. andthe last few lines i felt were a bit liek a polemic almost - to me it didn't fit with the story.

very nice but i feel it's such a good idea and the tone so good that it deserves more development.

anisoara at 09:15 on 13 December 2004  Report this post
Jubbly,

A great idea, and a great piece. For me, the line that really makes the piece is this:

"You’d have thought over the years we’d have made friends, but something stops us from getting too intimate."

And the ending is just right.

To think you've got a lifetime in 370 words. (Or should I say four lifetimes?)

Ani




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