|
|
 |
AN OFFICE WORKER`S DREAM
Posted: 08 December 2004
Word Count: 23
Summary: I'm sure you'll recognise this ...
|
Font Size
|
|
At 5pm I'll be reborn.
I'll escape the confines
of this chrysalis
and fly like a butterfly,
drenched in the colours
of freedom.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 kennyp at 17:50 on 08 December 2004
 Report this post
|
An excellent economy of words, that succinctly captures that daily brief elation of relief that the working day is over. Wishing it was Friday now!
Great stuff.
Kenny
| |
 joanie at 21:52 on 08 December 2004
Report this post
|
BB, I love this sort of thing - succinct and true. I like the butterfly image; it works well. colours of freedom is excellent.
I enjoyed this - good to read aloud too.
joanie
| |
 Don Gorgon at 23:59 on 12 December 2004
Report this post
|
Beanie Baby, it's great working isn't it! Great little poem, definitely one that I and most of the population can identify with. It is like feeling 'reborn' and 'free' once you get out of those doors, well captured. Nice one.
Thanks
Don
| |
 Mr B. at 14:46 on 30 December 2004
Report this post
|
And oh, how brief is that butterfly's flight! I liked pondering the various meanings of 'chrysalis'!
Nice one,
Anthony
| |
engldolph at 15:08 on 12 June 2005
Report this post
|
hi Beanie B,
Caught up with this one via Random read..
great metaphor for end of day freedom..I'm assuming you then reform the chrysalis each day and then each 5pm break-out?! or was this the final chucking of the job!?
You know, for even greater brevity you might even think of dropping the ...like a butterfly...
we already know what a chrysalis usually turns into..
of this chrysalis
and fly -
drenched in the colours
you could even, if you were being really bold and taking a leaf out of the writing philosophy of a poet like William Carlos Williams (reduce/reduce/reduce) even consider nixing the last line...you have already captured the freedom idea without spelling it out.. which would give you something like:
At 5pm I'll be reborn.
I'll escape the confines
of this chrysalis
and fly -
drenched in the colours.
maybe a bit minimilist for your ear..
enjoyed
Mike
| |
Beanie Baby at 16:12 on 01 July 2005
Report this post
|
Thanks, Mike. Was this poem a random read? Gosh! How exciting - I had no idea! Love the way you have reduced the whole thing down to the barest minumum - and as someone whose philosophy is also to reduce, reduce, reduce (hence my endless adoration of haiku) I think your version is twenty times better than mine! Thank you so much for your comments. They are very gratefully received!
Beanie. x
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
