Next minute for sale, be quick, next 60 seconds or it’ll be gone, will swap for quickie or badly done egg, no timewasters, £2.

Frost-free fridge-freezer, fragile, French, in fragments due to frightening freemason fracturing front, free fromage-frais, phone Franco, also dog named George, free.

Robertson’s jam golly badges wanted by avid collector, also Bernard Manning joke books, phone 01222 333333, ask for Akim Nbuku.

Roof slates, drainpipes, plus 250-foot of glittering bought in error due to horrendous typo, £2

Little-known children’s toys, Bob the Builder’s Merchant, with special VAT haggling feature, Beyblades by Gillette, Careless Bears, will injure your child, hence £1.70

Garage sale, this Saturday, 33-ft home cinema, horsebox, tunnelling equipment, human remains, a grenadier, wolf cubs, kids’ nuclear-fission game, 34 tons of pomegranates, all must go, owing to extended hospital stay.

Lilies by Slazenger, ill-advised cross-branding project, also Adidas-bred wolfhounds, no reasonable offer refused, or swap for Pepsi car.

Registered pet-sitter, I will sit on your pet, £4

Large tin of fish, bought in error, will swap for Sony radio tuner.

Embarrassed silence, to hire, suit dinner party, office cocktails, small fault, slight throat-clearing, three-year guarantee to destroy your social life.

Dates, most of April, May, June, August still available, also late September, 5th October, Thanksgiving, available individually or in lucky bag, enclose s.a.e and large cheque to cover administration.