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MATERNAL EMBRACES

by Unity2 

Posted: 29 November 2004
Word Count: 95


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The sun has arisen
and much like a mother,
beckons the awakening of her children
with open arms,
welcoming those tired faces
every day like clockwork
giving the opportunities away
like trophies.
come and recieve from her.

Foolish bodies deny, and consume their
solemn prayers for prosperity
eliminating the divinity of hope,
extinguishing desire.

The sun arose today,
with a change in potential
and with a fluency so liquid,
that parched mouths now
rehydrate, revive.
Drink, and expand horizons
Dream and know that her mystery
is in motion.
All we have to do is try?.






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Comments by other Members



roovacrag at 17:35 on 30 November 2004  Report this post
Unity 2..this is a beautiful and well written poem.
Tender words and with such feeling.
All three stanza gave the power that makes a reader think and continue to read.

Well done.

Welcome to WW.

XX Alice

paul53 [for I am he] at 15:26 on 09 March 2005  Report this post
Forgive the lateness of this comment, but I only found this today thanks to Random Read. I see you have not posted any more since. That is a shame.

There is great potential in this piece, but you could say as much, or more, with fewer words. Let the reader fill in some of the blanks.
The last lines of both the first and last stanza could be deleted, strengthening both. More economy would make the piece more powerful, along the lines of:

The sun has arisen
like a mother beckoning her children
with open arms,
welcoming tired faces
each day like clockwork
giving opportunities away
like trophies.

Foolish bodies deny, consumming
solemn prayers for prosperity
eliminating the divinity of hope -
extinguishing desire.

The sun arose today,
a change in potential,
a fluency so liquid that
parched mouths rehydrate, revive.
Drink, expand your horizons
Dream and know that her
mystery is in motion.


This may not seem the same poem to you the author, but this is it with the distant reader filling in the pieces you have hinted at.


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