Reflection
Posted: 16 June 2003 Word Count: 197
|
Font Size
|
|
Frozen in time, the photograph Tells a tale of faces framed forever; Eyes and smiles trapped for eternity, Attached to the vague traces of ageless faces.
We are such stuff as dreams are made on, And the flash of happiness, or click of time Fades to nothing; we live in a moment. This is that moment, sound or silence; life’s transience.
Listen. Listen to your heart, old tattoo Of existence, beating the same refrain over And over again. We live, wait, mutter breaths In this state of transience, filling the void eternal.
We can not read what is written in the wind, old temptress, Ageless, both life and death, the first and final Breath, chasing the intangible: the epilogue, The epitaph, the eulogy. All three
Somewhere in the sand, waiting for the turbulent sea To wash away the words that once expressed A life. But words are too crude, too crass, too cruel To survive the ebb and flow of time,
The tidal massacre of what was, what is, and What will be. I am Neptune on the Shore waging a war against space and time. I am Narcissus, reflected
In a photograph, forever framed and forlorn.
Comments by other Members
| |
James Graham at 20:39 on 18 June 2003
Report this post
|
Hi Adam - A new poem, at least as interesting as previous ones. I'm struck by the tone of this one, a tone of considerable assurance, giving the impression that these are thoughts which have been with you for a long time and are now crystallised. It's a genuinely philosophical poem touching on ideas of transience, the precariousness of the past and future, the uncertainty of language. Images of wind, sand and tides are very effective. The dual identity of Neptune and Narcissus at the end is a striking juxtaposition.
There were a few lines that for me were a little unsatisfactory, though the convincing tone of the poem as a whole almost 'excuses' them, makes them not matter too much. 'Tells a tale' - does a photograph tell a tale? Doesn't it suspend a tale? 'Attached to names and faces, people and places' seems a bit weak, gives the impression that you're filling up a line. Attached, maybe, to names that won't always be remembered, to places that seemed to have significance once but have lost or changed their significance. '...old tattoo/of existence' - 'existence' seems unnecessary, but I'm not sure how you would replace the word. '...old temptress/seductive in her appeal' - again, 'in her appeal' seems redundant. In fact, in this case I'm sure it is redundant. How about: 'old temptress,/seducer,........(another adjective)? This would make a trio of adjectives, and a pattern with the trio of nouns in the same stanza (epilogue etc) and with 'what was, what is, and what will be'. As I say, I think the poem just about carries these little glitches, but I'll leave them with you, to see what you think.
James.
|
|
| |
Adam at 22:18 on 18 June 2003
Report this post
|
James,
Thank you very much. It's nice to see the poem had the desired effect. On the whole, I agree with your observations on the glitches. In fact, I find them very useful as the poem is really a work in progress.
The trouble was, however, that I was working within a very unforgiving structure: the syllabic count of each stanza (8,10,9,12) increases by one each time (e.g. st1 is 8, st2 9, st3 10, etc) until the fourth verse when the process is reversed (14,13,12, etc). I hoped to reflect the ebb and flow (or rather flow and ebb)of life and transience; subconciously at least.
I will hopefully be revising the poem shortly, and will get back to you with mark two asap.
Thank you for your extremely constructive comments!
Adam
| |
James Graham at 20:25 on 19 June 2003
Report this post
|
I didn't think to count syllables! But of course this is an effect that should happen without the reader necessarily being aware of the technique. Possibly the flow and ebb effect could be achieved with not quite such a strict syllable count? Just a clear increase and decrease?
Look forward to Mark II.
James.
|
|
| |
Adam at 15:54 on 01 July 2003
Report this post
|
James,
I have finally had opportunity to revise the poem! I have altered line 4 and lines 13-14 with your advice in mind. I do, however, think that a photograph can tell a tale (the whole 'a picture's worth a thousand words' thing) and I quite like 'tattoo of existence'.
On the other points, however, I totally agree with you and have changed thm so that I think I have a far stronger poem. Please let me know what you think...
Cheers,
Adam
| |
Scott at 22:59 on 26 July 2003
Report this post
|
I've been reading your poems and they really get to me, you said you thought we were similar but I’m no poet, you are. However I think I can see what you are saying in the style, I mean sometimes I think about things so hard and look for the answers I will never find, I try to question the unknown and would have to be a genius to answer them but still the question burns me. To me your poems are the working of a mind trying to figure something out, soul searching for that answer that may never be found, I don't know if I am making sense to you or not, probably not.
I really liked this, a photo will last forever but you won't and your soul or essence will be around long after you taken your final rest and no longer even know anything exists any longer and so nothing does...I'm babbling but it was good
Scott
| |
| |