Login   Sign Up 



by DerekH 

Posted: 11 November 2004
Word Count: 17
Summary: Never tried this before. But, like flash fiction, I think there's something wonderful about a moment or feeling captured in so few words. I had to have a go...though I may have missed the point...

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

Night Fire

Night by a pot fire,
Smoke lifts the drowsy moth high,
Stars and embers glow.

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

joanie at 19:15 on 11 November 2004  Report this post
Derek, I think this is good! As far as I can see, you got it right. I love the image of the drowsy moth being carried up in the smoke, and also the way that you have tied in the sky and the fire in the first line and the last.

I enjoyed it.


anisoara at 21:08 on 11 November 2004  Report this post

I am not very knowledgeable about haiku, but I think yours is just lovely. You seem to have this facility for all forms. I envy you!


DerekH at 22:07 on 11 November 2004  Report this post
Thanks Joanie, Good to know I did it right. I might try some more...but I need to be inspired first. I feel like you can't do this from imagination...it has to be real. Maybe I'm wrong...I don't know much about it...but from now on I will look out for those moments.

Thanks again,


joanie at 22:11 on 11 November 2004  Report this post
Derek, I'm sure you are right. It has to come from a moment of inspiration, I think; something just stikes you. You have made me think of the haikus I have done and I think they all fall into that category!



DerekH at 22:11 on 11 November 2004  Report this post
Ani, I can't believe anyone would envy me...and I should envy you...but thank you very much for that compliment.
I've applied to join this group...why don't you have a go too?


roovacrag at 22:13 on 11 November 2004  Report this post
Derek.. Not up in Haiku..... Looks ok to me.

Try your hand at poetry
that I can help with thee
riddle and rhyme
just fine.

Not everyone can rhyme.
So try doing your own thing and I want a piece to see.

Give it a go mate............ at least you will get my comment........a few more will as well.

DerekH at 22:16 on 11 November 2004  Report this post
Poetry is always such a struggle for me... I've never written a poem I was happy with. I might give it a go...

laurafraser at 22:57 on 11 November 2004  Report this post
on the contary you have grabbed thhe point and kissed it right on the heart-powerfully explosive this one and a wonderful example of a brillant haiku

roovacrag at 22:59 on 11 November 2004  Report this post
It is easy,I can do it and I am an artist.
Sell the paintings....not the poems. ;-]


DerekH at 00:07 on 12 November 2004  Report this post
Thanks Laura, very kind of you to say. Yours and all the other comments have made me very happy :)


DerekH at 00:10 on 12 November 2004  Report this post
Alice, I'm an artist too...
It'll take me a while to come up with a poem, but I will try.

scottwil at 11:19 on 12 November 2004  Report this post
Interesting, Derek. I never comment on poetry, as I'm completely unqualified, but I usually dip into Haikus because I love the form; as you say, it's a little like flash fiction.
This is wonderfully evocative.
Let me pick out the lines I particularly liked:
"Night by a pot fire,
Smoke lifts the drowsy moth high,
Stars and embers glow."

You've conformed to the 5,7,5 but I remember reading somewhere that, strictly speaking, there needs to be a seasonal reference in the piece.

Or, is that
utter bollocks,
as usual?


DerekH at 11:34 on 12 November 2004  Report this post
Sion, thanks for looking, and I'm glad you liked it. I don't know much about Haiku myself...I'm trying to delve into it. From what I have found so far, from reading some ancient Haikus, the seasonal reference does seem to crop up a lot, but not always. I gather that a link to the natural world is important...but maybe that's not needed either...I dunno...there seems to be a whole host of varied rules and guides. I followed the 5,7,5 format since it seemed popular, but again I've noticed that it's not the only way...Amongst all the rules I found a variation that suggests a Haiku can be a piece that's said in one breath...which I like.

It really does interest me, but I'm as green as a newbie can be.


scottwil at 11:46 on 12 November 2004  Report this post
The single breath thing is a really nice idea, unless you're an ex-asbestos worker or, 150-a-day chain-smoker as many of the Salary-men appear to be these days.

There was a member called 'Seahorse' who posted this, a while ago, under the title Haikuku:

Kajagoogoo -
the Christmas disco
dancefloor empties

Demonstrating the potential for humour even in this minimalist format. I loved it. Still love it. Genius, I think.


DerekH at 12:15 on 12 November 2004  Report this post
Nice :). I like that! (Although 'Too Shy' was actually a classic, and perfectly constructed pop song :)

Are you gonna have a go Sion?


I found this one sat in-between Jack Kerouac's Zen mumblings...

"Hitchhiked a thousand miles
and brought you wine."

I like that...

Account Closed at 13:34 on 12 November 2004  Report this post
Derek, a definition of Haku taken from Mslexia: a 3-line poem 5-7-5 syllables. Traditionally includes one natural image and a revolutionary moment at the end. Use economy and plain language (no similes and metaphors) in a present moment. Ideally, it should bring a new understanding of reality.

I'll leave you poets to argue that one out!

DerekH at 13:41 on 12 November 2004  Report this post
Thanks for that, Elspeth. I'll leave the poets to argue it out too... I don't feel qualified to join in that debate.

Until we have the answer, I will continue making up the rules as I go along :).


Tuppence at 14:13 on 27 January 2005  Report this post
just joined haiku
i tend 2 write poems quite freely
this gives me some discipline
night fire reminds me of my cottage
open fire
open door & the moths came in
used 2 send letters 2 santa up the chimney
thank u i liked that

DerekH at 20:06 on 27 January 2005  Report this post
Thanks Gilly, Glad you liked it, and I liked your poetic comment :).


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .